Tag Archive | strength

Writing is my fortay…


I’m back because lets face it oral communication has never been a strength of mine and I’m more than ok with that.With writing I can express so much more of what I am feeling and connect to people better too. It is the second year of grief and to my surprise after listening to my much loved friends and strangers too, the grief has not gotten any easier. After research I found I am not alone in my feeling of increased sadness the second year on. 

The first year was in fact the easiest for me for the simple fact I lived in denial the whole year. My heart had over ridden my head the whole year refusing to let my sister go.

However the beginning of this year it finally hit home for me and the pain grew immensely. The pain grew so fast and so heavy I had to have my medication increased twice just to keep me neutral. The good news is now stable on my meds, I feel more like myself than I have since the whole grief started, I would go as far as saying I can’t remember the last time I felt this good.

Another huge help has been from the one only Divya. I’m so grateful that I have this girl by my side. No one will ever replace my sister but this weirdo comes pretty close, hahaha. The love I feel whether I am with her in person or just talking to her on the phone is so great I feel like my sister’s soul shines through her. I don’t remember the last time I have made such a good friend with someone so fast that has lasted past the awkward first hiccups of getting to know one another. I am so happy that despite the ones who left after my grief was too much for them, this girl is still around always bringing me sunshine on cloudy days.​

Divya & I

I am thankful for all my good friends who have survived the hurricane of emotions I have been on, in this journey of grief. It is hard to deal with and so hard to understand unless you have been through it yourself and even then it is different for everyone. 

My news years resolution December 2016 was to honor my sister the way she would have wanted by regaining the woman I was before I lost her. By living life to the fullest the way I did when she was still with me.

Since the beginning of this year I have been going out of my way visiting all the people dearest to me who had supported me through my grief but I had slowly withdrawn from as the grief started to weigh me down.​

Katie and I

I went out of my way to visit the friends that I dont normally get to see because they live far and I dont always have money or time, the list goes on. However in the spirit of me and my sisters favorite motto “life is short” I have been making my rounds up and down London and outside London spreading the love.

Nikko and I

My travelling has been successful in that I found what I was looking for. I was reminded that I enjoying making people happy. I enjoy making people laugh, smile and building them up. I had forgotten how much it makes me smile, how much it makes me feel like me. Most importantly I had forgotten how much love there still is for me even though my sister is no longer here. 

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Olive Branch


Have you ever offered someone an olive branch only to have them reject it?I want to say that I dont know why I even bother but the truth is having learnt alot about myself and who I am over these past couple of years I know exactly why I do the things I do.

I’m open, honest and kind hearted and it goes under appreciated by people that have opposite traits to my own.
This olive branch was pretty big, and “Person A” we shall call them, looked at it, sniffed it, even gave it a small bite but being the coward they are threw it back at me as if just the offer alone had burnt them.
If I wasn’t comfortable in who I was and who I continue to become I met be offended, run away and cry. Instead I just want to reach out with both hands, grab this person and give them a good shaking! Not to punish mind you but to remind this person they are bigger, better and stronger than they could ever imagine if only they would open their eyes, heart and let down the ridiculous wall that has been up for God knows how long.
Life is short. You keep missing opportunities and the thing is we both know you regret it each time.
Put your Forest Gump Nike’s on and get ready to run, hell get ready for the chase because unlike Jenny I wont wait till it’s too late to turn up on your doorstep. I am an air sign, I am gone with the wind.
So its now or never butterfly.
You remember that poem I wrote you? The most important line was “I loved you then, I love you now, I will love you forever”

Reflections


8 months into 2014.
I wanted to write this 6 months in but then as you all know my little prince arrived.
So far so good.
I still live on a rollercoaster of highs and lows but the dips are not only few and far between but less severe I am finding.
A big part of this is being more open about my condition and letting the people who truly know me and love me, help!
Unfortunately I learned some people no matter how hard I wanted them to understand and how hard I wanted to believe they understood they didn’t and wouldn’t because honestly they were too selfish, and funny enough I realise now that is absolutely fine because not everyone I meet is going to be kind, caring or understanding.
However the people who have stood by me are absolutely amazing! They make me feel “normal” whatever that word means. Despite the NHS pushing drugs on me I have not accepted any medications for my condition because my friends and family provide the strongest drug there is; LOVE.
They all have provided me with everything a woman could possibly want and need. They have helped me emotionally, mentally, physically, financially.

30th Birthday in Birmingham with my girls x

30th Birthday in Birmingham with my girls x

They have partied with me like a single girl, advised me when I was lost and fed up, comforted me when I was sad, threw me a baby shower when I didn’t know where to start and made my new addition feel so loved he never stops smiling.
I mention all this because although I have always known I have been blessed I didn’t really see it because my depression, toxic people I used to have around me and drama had blinded me.

Baby Shower x

Baby Shower x

This year I have finally seen my life for what it is.
Ex friends would always comment on how popular I was because I had so many friends. I would shrug it off and tell them stop comparing my life to theirs and that as long as you have one good friend it’s all you need.
This year I realised yes I am popular and yes I do have a lot of friends and support. So much so I think the midwives, health visitors, social services and psychiatrist’s are disappointed. They are disappointed because they can’t say they ‘helped’, disappointed because they know I don’t need Sertraline and I won’t take it anyway, disappointed I’m not as ‘crazy’ as I look on paper, disappointed I have support from my husband, friends and family so much that I don’t need “professional help”.

Assessment

Assessment

They were secretly hoping they could pump me full of drugs and shut the case but unfortunately I’m far more complicated and stronger than ever this year and all the professionals have to put the head down in shame and walk away cause they can’t reach quota with this chick!
I’ve also learned chasing butterflies only make them flutter away further. I’m not a hunter I’m a mother of two and a wife, I don’t have time or the energy to chase butterflies let alone people.
It used to bother me when certain people pushed me away but these days I have extra responsibilities and after tending to those, I only have energy for the creatures who have time and energy for me. My good friends go out of their way to contact me, make sure I am well and constantly communicate with me and I love and appreciate that so much. There was a time I admit I wouldn’t realise how much these people would go out of their way for me because I was too busy chasing butterflies or worse lions, tigers and leopards.

Feisty Leopard x

Feisty Leopard x

The lions & tigers I have walked away from or was previously ripped to shreds by are now long gone. So I missed one particularly feisty leopard and I was her weak prey for thinking of her but hey I’m only human and now since recently I have come to realise its time I stop thinking of her as so high up in the animal kingdom and for her to move down in the hierarchy that is my heart.
The traumatic experiences I had to go through last year that left me in a lot of emotional pain and dare I say extremely bitter has left the building.
It occurred to me the people in my life that I had once loved very dearly clearly didn’t feel the same way about me let alone know me and that’s why they chose to hurt me.

I thought I had lost so much but I was looking at things the wrong way round…the mirror will do that distort your image and turn it backwards. The people who hurt me lost a hell of a lot…me.

I thought I was so angry back in beginning but what made it all slip away earlier this year was the realisation that I needn’t be. I apologised for whatever had happened in certain circumstances and then I made peace with myself. The people who hurt me are very different from me and we do not mix well. We have different values, opinions and religions and that’s ok.

I also learned that for some of them their pride is so big they will never apologise because they refuse to see the error of their ways and this was brought to light when one of them felt to preach to me how much of a bigger and better person they are compared to me which is again fine as I am so comfortable in myself I didn’t need to retaliate or prove anything.
I realised that after certain things have been said and done there is no going back and I am grateful because it’s a big and hard lesson I will never forget and it gives me strength.
I’m happy to have found real love and happy endings do exist and this has given me hope.
This year so far has had its downfalls of course because this is life after all but mainly there has been so many highs and I am so happy and grateful to the universe for such happiness. I love my life, my friends, my family, the trees…(yes I’m a total hippie lol) me I’m doing just fine.

 

Peace.Love.Positivity xxx

Another day, another battle


photoForgiveness is not hard only when you make it hard.
I try so hard to not let it get to me and get me down but let’s face it, fighting manic depression is often a loosing battle.
Takes so much energy to keep up this pretence every second of the day.
Smiling, laughing and interacting.
All I want to do is cry. Hold my heavy head in my hands and cry.
I reached out only to get rejection.
I wasn’t expecting anything so then to be rejected like this hurts.
I thought the dust had settled and although things weren’t ever going to go back to what they were. I hoped for forgiveness.
It’s all my fault really.
Weakness! That’s what has triggered today’s episode of self-doubt, self-hatred and loathing.
I keep thinking if I hold my head tight enough the racing thoughts will come to a halt but of course that’s not working.
Horrible, horrible thoughts.
Stop pitying yourself Carley, pick yourself up before you fall to deep.
Sign number one uncontrollable, inconsolable crying. Cry it out and be done with it!
Sign number two thoughts racing so fast and hard you’re not sure which is your own and which is that of your demons. You get lost and start projectile vomiting your words.
Weak. I’m weak.
I thought I knew better but I can never control this stupid big heart of mine. It keeps jumping out on my sleeve for all to see and for all to damage.
Stop it! Stop that sadness right now.
Aries is not worth it. Maybe 4-5 years ago but not anymore.
Don’t let her keep pulling that trigger.
She’s bitter.


It’s my fault. I turned her that way.
No! She needs to take responsibility for her actions for once!
Ahhhh my mind is coming apart.
Help me.
Breathe.
Keep typing.
Distract yourself by letting the words flow and the keys take over.
Don’t let her do this to you.
Don’t let your mind twist and amp the situation.
You are in control.
Huff.
My face is wet…oh the tears have started again.
Head down.