Tag Archive | love

You will be tested repeatedly until you learn the lesson intended!


 I saw this post on Instagram. I love posts that make you think. 

This one spoke to me because something recently happened to me the weekend just gone that made my husband question me in a similar fashion to this post.

He was upset about what happened and asked me if I was angered or upset by this particular incident.

I will not be going into detail about what happened (I know so unlike me hahahaha) but I will say the reason I was unaffected by what happened.

I’ve reached a point in my life where most people and most situations can’t effect me negatively. Too much has happened in my life to let the negative actions and behaviour of others bring me down.

I know that I am responsible for my own happiness and in knowing this not only does it give me a great sense of strength it has helped me grow immensely.

Not so many years ago I would have let the situation make me angry, bitter, resentful but not anymore. I gave myself roughly 5 minutes maybe less to mourn the experience or to let out the anger then I put all the negative energy in a balloon and let it go (one of my favourite metaphors and favourite things to do when im angry). 

Once that balloon was gone, so where all the emotions inside it. It was that easy. Granted it wasn’t always that easy it took years of training but was certainly worth it.

Thankfully no longer the “victim” of my own circumstances or life, this “victor” always has a plan b and the weekend turned into the perfect weekend filled with such love, laughter and happiness that I forgot to write this post until I was reminded this morning by that very Instagram post.

Every day I’m tested by something or someone new and finally after years of losing, I’m winning! They say the universe will repeatedly put us in the same situation or will give us the same test over and over again until we finally learn the lesson intended.

Needless to say…lesson learnt!

Its always the one you least expect…


I am so grateful for the good friends that I have.
I can’t believe the anniversary of my sister passing is fast approaching and if it weren’t through the love and support of my closest friends and family I honestly wouldn’t have pushed through.

I am not going to lie some people have really surprised me. In the most beautiful and loving of ways.

For instance ‘My friend Chloe’.

Chloe & I

It has taken me quite sometime to call Chloe my friend. I have known her for more than 5 years now and we have always got along. We have always had a laugh. She has always been kind to me, we have hung out on many occasions, clubbed together, chilled together and even been on holiday together. Yet somehow I always found it hard to say the words “My friend” concerning Chloe.


The reason being I met her through one of my sisters. So whenever I would lovingly speak of her I would always describe her or even introduce her as “my sisters friend’. I have even done it numerous times here on my blog.

Chloe, My sister Cheryl & I


However it suddenly hit me one afternoon while I was reflecting on the past year of events that Chloe is one of my closest friends. She isn’t just my sister’s friend, she is a genuine friend of mine.I guess with everything I have been through especially with ‘so-called friends’ it was hard to admit what was right before me the whole time.

What made things even more apparent is how much Chloe has been here for me not just this past year but always.

Cerise & Chloe


Although Cerise and I knew Chloe was Cheryl’s best friend we would joke she was in fact Cerise’s best friend as them two were always seen to be chatting incessantly like they were in their own world together, had the most “selfies” together and always ignored the rest of the group when we were out. But I was never jealous of Cerise and Chloe because, Chloe’s sister Amy is “my wife” and we have our thing (lol).

Me & Amy


However as I was reflecting on this past year and the blur of faces that have come and gone with empty promises and gestures, Chloe has remained true not only to her word and to me but to herself and I love that quality in her.

Chloe & Cerise


Although like the rest of the world she has her own problems, her own life to deal with she has made a remarkable balance of juggling being a friend to me, an aunt to my children and all the other roles she so graciously carries out when she is not with me.

My daughter and Chloe. one of the many occassions she has taken her out for the day.


So many people said they would be here for me when Cerise left this earth but not many acted upon those words. I am not judging or pointing fingers.

Chloe & my son. One of their many bonding sessions.


I know for whatever reasons it has probably not been possible to act on the promises made. I am just making it a point to address who has been here. I don’t know if they meant well and forgot, was offering sympathetic words for the sake of it or just down right broke their promise all I know is before Chloe even said anything she had already contributed to paying for Cerise’s funeral, made me horrible food (she can’t cook! Kidding!!) but she made me multiple dishes when I could barely look after myself let alone my family when everything was still so raw, she would constantly check in with me via text messages or late night phone conversations; the best part not in an invasive or forceful way, she took my children out regularly and became a sounding board for my daughter who had lost her best friend in Cerise and desperately needed another “cool adult chick/Aunty” to look up too, helped me with school runs, treated me to lunches, (thankfully because she cant cook! Sorry I am joking…kinda ahahaha) unknowingly reminded me of who I am and who I still can be .

These are just a few of the things she has done for me and yet only recently had it occurred to me that she is one of my very special friends. Not just my sister’s friend she is my friend also.

Cerise, me & Chloe


I don’t know why but she was one of the people that surprised me, she was one of the people I least expected to step up in my time of immense pain. Yet here she is and here she has always been it just unfortunately took my sister’s passing to realise that.


I love you so much Chloe that I am now holding back tears as i finish up this piece. I wanted to write this to let you know I am so grateful for everything you have done since Cerise left and I am so happy you are in my life.


I am so blessed to call you MY friend.

I am so happy to have you in my children’s life. I am so glad that I and they can depend on you. I am so happy you have never lied to me, judged me or treated me less than I deserve.

I want to thank you despite not being myself, being broken and all over the place with my roller coaster emotions, medication changes, down days, tears and tantrums that you are still hear, still MY friend, still true, still beautiful, still keeping your promise still helping to hold me and my family together through your love and light.

You are truly an angel.


Even if our friendship doesn’t last forever I will never forget everything you have done for me and my family.

Karptie, Chloe & Cerise


I also want to say a special thank you to Isis who I invited out on a night out with my mum and her friend last night. We danced the night away. Although Isis is my God-Sister we have never really spent anytime together as adults.

Me & Isis


She is another beautiful, strong, woman who has been there for me through everything I have been unfortunately going through and it surprised me also in the most beautiful way.

She too has been going through her own inner turmoil yet not at any point did she let that stop her from checking on me, seeing if I was OK, making promises that she has undoubtedly kept by being there whenever I have needed an ear or shoulder.

She is remarkable in so many ways I can only hope our friendship and bond increase over time and I can somehow repay her for all she has inadvertently helped me with.

I would also like to thank Etta one of “Cerise’s friends” who again is someone who has constantly been here for me since losing Cerise. Never pushing for information, never judging me but always being open and honest enough to make me feel at ease.

Day with Etta and kids


She invited me into her family home, I met her children, she met mine and I truly adore her.

Always a snapchat or whatsapp away she never ignores me and always handles me and my feelings with care.

Etta and I


Another person who has helped me in so many ways without her even realising.

There are so many of these people in my life that only now as clarity kicks in and the anniversary of Cerise’s passing arrives; that I am truly grateful for.

Mummy, Dad, Eroll, Vadz, Jasmine, Janice (insert eye roll lol), Katie, Bilen, Laura, Carol, Simone, Shayna, Jaymi, Caz, Jodan, Angel, Juicy Lucie, Div, Vidya, Priya, Kaye Lena-Louise, Ari Metos, Christal, Jada, Shinel, Claire…the list goes on.

So many of you that I can’t even mention because this post would turn into a list of names as long as the ones at the beginning of the bible lol. 

Hopefully you all know who you are. I know it may sound stupid to you guys but I am the kind of person that has to show and verbalise her gratitude because life is too short not too. To let you all go on wondering “Was she grateful?’, “Does she know I am her friend?” “Is she okay?”.

I am the kind of person that thrives off making other people happy by spreading my love and light as far and as long as possible.

I need my people, my support system, my friends, my family to know how and why I feel the way I do; and for me as most of you know even though to a select few I can verbalise it orally, my platform is through written word. So thank you I love you all.

Another Sunday..


So thats your birthday done, mothers day too. How much more pain can this family endure?

There were celebrations on your birthday even though it pained me to attend I tried my very best to smile and join in because I know how much you hate to see me cry.

Everyone assures me that things will get better but how do they know that?

 Because they lost someone and it was sad and now they feel better?

Well good for them but everyone grieves differently and everyone is effected differently.

Whenever I get a piercing I scream and sometimes you might catch a tear. Piercings hurt me. When I get tattoos done they feel so relaxing I love the sensations of the needles shading my skin. You ask anyone else if they feel like this guaranteed you will get a variety of different answers. 

We are all alike but all so different so I don’t want to hear it gets better.

I have years (I can only assume) to live without you. When will it get better? Next week? Next year? In a few years?

I don’t think it will ever get better. Divya already told me it won’t and I accept that. It has been 6 years for her and she is still in pain. I will live my life of course I have to but inside I will always feel alone in my heart; missing you.
Mothers day was so morbid for every text and message mum got I felt such sorrow. “Happy Mother’s Day” how could she possibly be happy on such a day. I kept thinking wow she is celebrating mothers day with one less child I can’t imagine the pain she must be feeling.

Mum keeps telling me she feels like she has let us all down with you being gone. I feel it too. I was your oldest sister. I would have gladly dy died for you and still would. I was the eldest I should have been able to protect you, save you. Although I have never been in a single fight in my life so far I would have gladly got physical for you. Hurt someone, kill even; for you. But I didn’t. I wasn’t there and I have to carry that around with me every second of every day. 

We talked about you. About what you would be doing on Mother’s Day. We stayed in the living room and every time I turned my head towards your bedroom my heart ached. 

I wanted to see you in there. Soundly sleeping like the lazy bum you were. But instead your sleeping in heaven.

Mother’s day was crap. I waited for the postman to delivery my big card from you but of course it never arrived. 

I should have been happy with my babies, our babies but every time I looked at them I missed you more because you should have been with us. You should have been here giving Amarie piggy backs down the corridor of our flat screaming loudly being the big kid you were. You should have been chasing Sj around making him smile his big wide grin and looking at you funny I don’t think he ever saw you as normal, your weirdo. 
It’s Sunday again and I am crying my eyes and heart out because its yet another Sunday without you here in my bed watching cartoons and horrors with me. I still haven’t watched the little mermaid since you have gone. Its just too painful. I realise I cant be a big kid anymore. I am forced to be the adult I am because I have no excuses now. I have to be a grown up. 

 

Tasha, Me, Cheryl & You

 
I went out this weekend it was hard hearing your songs in the club. I had a lump in my throat each time. However Cheryl & Tasha were with me. I make sure to keep our sister pact going because they are keeping me stronger than they realise. 

 

Cheryl, Me, You, Tasha; group shots are weird without you

 
The first night we went out I cried all my make up off trying to get ready. I cried because when I thought I was ready I suddenly wanted to phone you and ask if your face was on yet and if you were on the way to mine. Looking at my reflection I wanted to smash the mirror. I hate looking at myself without you by my side. Hate looking at myself without you picking on me for my “old skool” clothes choices and “picky hair”.

 

Me & You

 
If my friend hadn’t pulled me together on the phone I wouldn’t have just stayed home crying, I would have just attempted to end my life right there and then. But she let me cry and then she gave me a boost and started again. I reapplied my make up and waited for our sisters to turn up then all was just about ok again. 

 The second night I went out I couldn’t stay in and get ready by myself for a repeat performance so I went to a friend’s and got ready there with a few glasses of wine and “girl talk” I was alot more relaxed and ready to meet our sisters, for our other sister Vad’s Birthday. 

This time I enjoyed myself even more.  

you were dancing with me in spirit

 

Even more of your tunes were played but this time you were there with me so I was fine. Something about being more relaxed and opened to your energy before leaving for the club meant I felt you when I was dancing again. There were tears on a break from the dance floor, they were brief and brought me down for a moment until I met you back upstairs inside the club on the dancefloor. 

12 Years a Slave


  For 12 years I have been a slave to you. Have cooked, cleaned, taken care of you, had your children. In return what have you given me? 
You have given me love, understanding, support but most importantly to me you have given me friendship. 

You have literally been one of the longest and best friends I have ever had and I am grateful to you for that. From our first date, marriage commitment, to the delivery room you have always held my hand both physically and emotionally.

As independent as I am, as much pride as I have, even with how big headed I am or may seem I am not ashamed, afraid or embarrassed to humble myself and say without you I honestly do not know where I would be or who I would be without you. They say ‘every man needs the love of a good woman’, well personally I know from experience it works both ways. Every woman needs the love of a good man. 

I am proud to be your wife, your partner in life and partner in crime. I happily clean your home, make you dinner, care for our children and most importantly do everything to keep you happy because you have given me such a great life.

Sure your not perfect and we have had our difficulties but we have grown together and worked through them because our foundation has always been strong and we have always been on the same page when it comes to the love we have for each other.

I’ve loved you for what seems a lifetime and I will continue to do so for the rest of our lives together as we promised that day we exchanged vows. 

Love is easy, comes naturally. Relationships are hard work but luckily for us we are both hard workers when it comes to this family and this relationship.

12 years a slave to the love and respect I have for you. My husband, my hero, my best friend.

Every choice we have made, everything we have been through, everything we have seen I would gladly do again to be with you and share this life we have together.

To another 12 years. I love you xx

Passion (what is mine?)


 

I was recently asked what it is that I love, what my greatest passion is. For a moment I thought this was going to be easy to answer but on deeper thought I realised I was fresh out of answers and fresh out of passion.

I mean besides the obvious being I am passionate about being a mum, a good wife, daughter, sibling and friend I can’t think what I am passionate about beyond those things.

I used to be passionate about writing. I still love to write but for the past 10 years it’s been more therapeutic than creative or something I do to fulfil a passion.

I am passionate about myself and not wasting the time I have on this earth, or wasting the talent and current skills I have.

I’m at a new crossroads in my life now searching for the next big thing, my next big love.

I’m not sure where to start, how to start but I’m excited!

I’m a go getter and I’m going to get a new passion!

Who’s with me? Let’s do it!