Tag Archive | life

You will be tested repeatedly until you learn the lesson intended!


 I saw this post on Instagram. I love posts that make you think. 

This one spoke to me because something recently happened to me the weekend just gone that made my husband question me in a similar fashion to this post.

He was upset about what happened and asked me if I was angered or upset by this particular incident.

I will not be going into detail about what happened (I know so unlike me hahahaha) but I will say the reason I was unaffected by what happened.

I’ve reached a point in my life where most people and most situations can’t effect me negatively. Too much has happened in my life to let the negative actions and behaviour of others bring me down.

I know that I am responsible for my own happiness and in knowing this not only does it give me a great sense of strength it has helped me grow immensely.

Not so many years ago I would have let the situation make me angry, bitter, resentful but not anymore. I gave myself roughly 5 minutes maybe less to mourn the experience or to let out the anger then I put all the negative energy in a balloon and let it go (one of my favourite metaphors and favourite things to do when im angry). 

Once that balloon was gone, so where all the emotions inside it. It was that easy. Granted it wasn’t always that easy it took years of training but was certainly worth it.

Thankfully no longer the “victim” of my own circumstances or life, this “victor” always has a plan b and the weekend turned into the perfect weekend filled with such love, laughter and happiness that I forgot to write this post until I was reminded this morning by that very Instagram post.

Every day I’m tested by something or someone new and finally after years of losing, I’m winning! They say the universe will repeatedly put us in the same situation or will give us the same test over and over again until we finally learn the lesson intended.

Needless to say…lesson learnt!

Gone forever…RIP Baby Sister


Another morning. I wake up and realise this is my life now? I look out the window and cars whirr by, the trees sway, the hustle and bustle still goes on. I could have sworn that the world would have stopped by now.I want to look out the window and see the apocalypse has finally arrived. 
People keep telling me “remember all the good times” as if thats enough. You were only 21 years old there wasn’t enough good memories, I need more. 

 

Cerise and I laughing through the pain. (I was recovering from PR in this pic my body was burning and in pain but she kept me laughing)

 
Amarie is confused and just wants you back. Sj will never understand. They are too young to have lost you.
Mum is trying hard not to lose her mind. The way she grips here hands its almost like she is physically trying to hold it in place. 

 

Cerise & Mummy

 
Me. I hate you. You left me all alone. Practically every time I saw your big bug eyes, big lips, over grown giant, mudblood self I would squeeze you and tell you despite your obvious deformities, ok your obvious beauty that I envied so much that I loved you and could never live without you.

 

Cerise & I

 
How dare you not hold on? How dare you not fight? How dare you save me over and over again to eventually leave me, before me, too young, too quick.
Life is not fair. We can all say that and not truly understand what that means until something like this happens. 
People keep telling me I am in shock that it will soon wear off. How?

How can I EVER accept that you are gone now and NEVER coming back.
Look at the mess you have left behind! I actually hate you so much right now because I loved you so hard all your life. 
All your life. That alone sounds ridiculous. What life? 21 years? Thats not life. Thats a preview. 
People want to tell me that God took you home. 

They don’t know and understand we are non believers.

We used to believe in the universe. I can’t even believe in that anymore. 

What did I do that was so wrong that the universe had to take you away from me?

What did Katy do?

Are you watching us right now? Have you seen Katie? She is almost unrecognisable. 

She is broken. It looks as if sellotape is holding her together. Fragile. 

Katie & Cerise

Have you seen our sisters? Tasha cried! Cheryl cried! Like you they NEVER cry! They cried and what was left of my heart crumbled and fell to pieces. 

 

Tasha, Cheryl, Cerise and I

 
Shaun wouldn’t want me to mention him but at this point theres not a lot I care about ‘airs and graces’ Shaun is fragile too. He is trying his best to be my husband but he lost his best friend. His sister in law. His partner in crime. 
I will never understand this. No book, google search, therapist, sign; nothing will give me clarity or understanding. 
When you saw the light or whatever it was you should have run away from it with all your strength. 
If I knew when you waved goodbye from your car that was the last time I was going to see you I would have jumped in and chained myself to you and never let you go. 
All I can hear is that stupid song you always listened to in your car ‘No air’ I say stupid because I never quite understood it. Now I do because I can’t breathe without you.
I loved you so much. 

Reflections


8 months into 2014.
I wanted to write this 6 months in but then as you all know my little prince arrived.
So far so good.
I still live on a rollercoaster of highs and lows but the dips are not only few and far between but less severe I am finding.
A big part of this is being more open about my condition and letting the people who truly know me and love me, help!
Unfortunately I learned some people no matter how hard I wanted them to understand and how hard I wanted to believe they understood they didn’t and wouldn’t because honestly they were too selfish, and funny enough I realise now that is absolutely fine because not everyone I meet is going to be kind, caring or understanding.
However the people who have stood by me are absolutely amazing! They make me feel “normal” whatever that word means. Despite the NHS pushing drugs on me I have not accepted any medications for my condition because my friends and family provide the strongest drug there is; LOVE.
They all have provided me with everything a woman could possibly want and need. They have helped me emotionally, mentally, physically, financially.

30th Birthday in Birmingham with my girls x

30th Birthday in Birmingham with my girls x

They have partied with me like a single girl, advised me when I was lost and fed up, comforted me when I was sad, threw me a baby shower when I didn’t know where to start and made my new addition feel so loved he never stops smiling.
I mention all this because although I have always known I have been blessed I didn’t really see it because my depression, toxic people I used to have around me and drama had blinded me.

Baby Shower x

Baby Shower x

This year I have finally seen my life for what it is.
Ex friends would always comment on how popular I was because I had so many friends. I would shrug it off and tell them stop comparing my life to theirs and that as long as you have one good friend it’s all you need.
This year I realised yes I am popular and yes I do have a lot of friends and support. So much so I think the midwives, health visitors, social services and psychiatrist’s are disappointed. They are disappointed because they can’t say they ‘helped’, disappointed because they know I don’t need Sertraline and I won’t take it anyway, disappointed I’m not as ‘crazy’ as I look on paper, disappointed I have support from my husband, friends and family so much that I don’t need “professional help”.

Assessment

Assessment

They were secretly hoping they could pump me full of drugs and shut the case but unfortunately I’m far more complicated and stronger than ever this year and all the professionals have to put the head down in shame and walk away cause they can’t reach quota with this chick!
I’ve also learned chasing butterflies only make them flutter away further. I’m not a hunter I’m a mother of two and a wife, I don’t have time or the energy to chase butterflies let alone people.
It used to bother me when certain people pushed me away but these days I have extra responsibilities and after tending to those, I only have energy for the creatures who have time and energy for me. My good friends go out of their way to contact me, make sure I am well and constantly communicate with me and I love and appreciate that so much. There was a time I admit I wouldn’t realise how much these people would go out of their way for me because I was too busy chasing butterflies or worse lions, tigers and leopards.

Feisty Leopard x

Feisty Leopard x

The lions & tigers I have walked away from or was previously ripped to shreds by are now long gone. So I missed one particularly feisty leopard and I was her weak prey for thinking of her but hey I’m only human and now since recently I have come to realise its time I stop thinking of her as so high up in the animal kingdom and for her to move down in the hierarchy that is my heart.
The traumatic experiences I had to go through last year that left me in a lot of emotional pain and dare I say extremely bitter has left the building.
It occurred to me the people in my life that I had once loved very dearly clearly didn’t feel the same way about me let alone know me and that’s why they chose to hurt me.

I thought I had lost so much but I was looking at things the wrong way round…the mirror will do that distort your image and turn it backwards. The people who hurt me lost a hell of a lot…me.

I thought I was so angry back in beginning but what made it all slip away earlier this year was the realisation that I needn’t be. I apologised for whatever had happened in certain circumstances and then I made peace with myself. The people who hurt me are very different from me and we do not mix well. We have different values, opinions and religions and that’s ok.

I also learned that for some of them their pride is so big they will never apologise because they refuse to see the error of their ways and this was brought to light when one of them felt to preach to me how much of a bigger and better person they are compared to me which is again fine as I am so comfortable in myself I didn’t need to retaliate or prove anything.
I realised that after certain things have been said and done there is no going back and I am grateful because it’s a big and hard lesson I will never forget and it gives me strength.
I’m happy to have found real love and happy endings do exist and this has given me hope.
This year so far has had its downfalls of course because this is life after all but mainly there has been so many highs and I am so happy and grateful to the universe for such happiness. I love my life, my friends, my family, the trees…(yes I’m a total hippie lol) me I’m doing just fine.

 

Peace.Love.Positivity xxx

Finding balance in motherhood


Two children is twice as hard as one.
Obvious right?
Not to me.
I’ve cared for many children over the years including multiple at the same time. Although tiring but always fun, it came naturally and so easy for me.
The thing is childminding and caring for your own are very different. At the end of a long day or session you can give other children back to their parents when babysitting.
Well I have two children now and the difference is incredible as well as amazing.

image

I love spending time with my family so much that it’s often hard to physically and mentally pull myself away.
I can’t get enough of family time.

image

However I’ve always said I don’t want to be one of those women that become so consumed in family life they miss out on so much more.
It’s important to me to keep my relationships with my friends healthy by speaking to them or meeting up with them regularly.
I want to continue working hard to ensure all my business ventures become and remain a success.
When my kids are worn out for the day, the house is clean, the chores are done and my husband is satisfied with grub in his belly I want to be free to do whatever I want to do.
I am free. Then I look at my family and smile as my heart fills with so much love for them. I think to myself do I really need to be anything more than a mother and wife?
That’s were the conflict starts.
I don’t want to neglect my family for a cheap night out with friends. However I don’t want to lose that close bond with all my friends that have been there for me and have done so much…(and sometimes a cheap night out or in is just what we all need to solidify that bond).
I don’t want to immerse myself in so much work I’m too tired to play hide & seek or peek-a-boo.

image

I also don’t want to miss out on my friends growing and changing and having their own babies or fulfilling other chapters of their life.
Balance.
It’s all about balance and that’s what I’m trying to do. There’s only one of me and everyone expects so much.
My friends want their party girl, agony aunt and entertainer.
My family want “family time” which includes but doesn’t limit itself to; movies, day trips, games, cuddles (there’s lots of cuddles) etc.

image

I want it all.
Loosing myself to just one thing is a big no no!
Embracing life and all it has to offer is a big YES!