Tag Archive | happiness

You will be tested repeatedly until you learn the lesson intended!


 I saw this post on Instagram. I love posts that make you think. 

This one spoke to me because something recently happened to me the weekend just gone that made my husband question me in a similar fashion to this post.

He was upset about what happened and asked me if I was angered or upset by this particular incident.

I will not be going into detail about what happened (I know so unlike me hahahaha) but I will say the reason I was unaffected by what happened.

I’ve reached a point in my life where most people and most situations can’t effect me negatively. Too much has happened in my life to let the negative actions and behaviour of others bring me down.

I know that I am responsible for my own happiness and in knowing this not only does it give me a great sense of strength it has helped me grow immensely.

Not so many years ago I would have let the situation make me angry, bitter, resentful but not anymore. I gave myself roughly 5 minutes maybe less to mourn the experience or to let out the anger then I put all the negative energy in a balloon and let it go (one of my favourite metaphors and favourite things to do when im angry). 

Once that balloon was gone, so where all the emotions inside it. It was that easy. Granted it wasn’t always that easy it took years of training but was certainly worth it.

Thankfully no longer the “victim” of my own circumstances or life, this “victor” always has a plan b and the weekend turned into the perfect weekend filled with such love, laughter and happiness that I forgot to write this post until I was reminded this morning by that very Instagram post.

Every day I’m tested by something or someone new and finally after years of losing, I’m winning! They say the universe will repeatedly put us in the same situation or will give us the same test over and over again until we finally learn the lesson intended.

Needless to say…lesson learnt!

Writing is my fortay…


I’m back because lets face it oral communication has never been a strength of mine and I’m more than ok with that.With writing I can express so much more of what I am feeling and connect to people better too. It is the second year of grief and to my surprise after listening to my much loved friends and strangers too, the grief has not gotten any easier. After research I found I am not alone in my feeling of increased sadness the second year on. 

The first year was in fact the easiest for me for the simple fact I lived in denial the whole year. My heart had over ridden my head the whole year refusing to let my sister go.

However the beginning of this year it finally hit home for me and the pain grew immensely. The pain grew so fast and so heavy I had to have my medication increased twice just to keep me neutral. The good news is now stable on my meds, I feel more like myself than I have since the whole grief started, I would go as far as saying I can’t remember the last time I felt this good.

Another huge help has been from the one only Divya. I’m so grateful that I have this girl by my side. No one will ever replace my sister but this weirdo comes pretty close, hahaha. The love I feel whether I am with her in person or just talking to her on the phone is so great I feel like my sister’s soul shines through her. I don’t remember the last time I have made such a good friend with someone so fast that has lasted past the awkward first hiccups of getting to know one another. I am so happy that despite the ones who left after my grief was too much for them, this girl is still around always bringing me sunshine on cloudy days.​

Divya & I

I am thankful for all my good friends who have survived the hurricane of emotions I have been on, in this journey of grief. It is hard to deal with and so hard to understand unless you have been through it yourself and even then it is different for everyone. 

My news years resolution December 2016 was to honor my sister the way she would have wanted by regaining the woman I was before I lost her. By living life to the fullest the way I did when she was still with me.

Since the beginning of this year I have been going out of my way visiting all the people dearest to me who had supported me through my grief but I had slowly withdrawn from as the grief started to weigh me down.​

Katie and I

I went out of my way to visit the friends that I dont normally get to see because they live far and I dont always have money or time, the list goes on. However in the spirit of me and my sisters favorite motto “life is short” I have been making my rounds up and down London and outside London spreading the love.

Nikko and I

My travelling has been successful in that I found what I was looking for. I was reminded that I enjoying making people happy. I enjoy making people laugh, smile and building them up. I had forgotten how much it makes me smile, how much it makes me feel like me. Most importantly I had forgotten how much love there still is for me even though my sister is no longer here. 

Lessons in Anger. 


I would like to think that all those people that hurt me were “psychotic bitches” but the real truth is they had all either been hurt or been through some really bad situations and instead of getting help and to the route of the problem they projected onto me instead. 
Some admirably admitted they had a problem, some even tried a little to get help and some were still in the ‘denial’ stage. 

My point is for a long time I would take on other peoples rage and think it was my fault, that I had done something wrong. I would go crazy trying to work out how and why these people would act like this. 

Not until I completed one of my own journey’s did I realise that people were on their on journey, their own path they were just so lost it built up into anger and rage that was released on any passer by. 

 

Still on my Journey

  
I try to always take something positive from a bad experience in order to keep my core strong. 

I learned more than anything from these people and situations that when I am angry and upset; too control it and vent it in a healthy form. Whether that be continuing my diary entries or confronting people at a better time, on even ground and when we are both even tempered.

Some people just can’t be happy for you


You and I can never be friends. 

You want to know why we can’t be friends? It’s as simple as “you will never be happy for me” I don’t hate you, the universe knows I want to but I won’t hate you because as one of my dear friends pointed out to me; sometimes some people just can’t be happy for others.
You know I used to blame myself for the failure of our once close bond. I actually used to think it was something I had done or perhaps just being me was what tore us apart. Now a grown women I can see you just don’t want to be happy for me. Yes that’s right it’s not you can’t, it’s you won’t and don’t because another simple fact; what doesn’t benefit you, what is not about you, you have no time or patience for.
I convinced myself that because I have always been vain I must in fact be extremely self centred but as you have constantly pointed out over the years I do nothing but put others before myself and before you.
The more I think about past situations, past disagreements, past comments it suddenly dawned on me how self centred you actually are!
If you are not self centred why do you always appear to listen to what I have to say, write, show you and then turn it around and reply with how whatever I’m talking about is somehow about you?
I could be telling you it’s a beautiful day today. Your telling me how you made it beautiful, because of course you either God or Mother Nature? Perhaps both because everything is you or you related right?
The strange thing is and maybe it’s also stupid on my part there has been plenty of times I have openly been proud of you. 
I didn’t realise to you, that we are in fact in your head in constant competition.
The way I saw things was I have my talents and you have yours, you see it as you have to be better than me all the time. I like attention I admit that, you however crave the attention. There’s nothing wrong with that either but does that mean you can’t ever share the limelight? Does that mean hurting people? Tearing them down just so you can shine?
You used to mean so many things to me but as we have grown and branched out I’ve become ashamed of the person you now are. I thought that everyone grew up and changed at some point. Not you. You grew but unfortunately you haven’t changed. You have become more bitter, judgemental, competitive, insecure. The worst part it doesn’t even end there.
Who are you? Do you even know? Your trying so hard to tear me down, act the victim and heroine all in one go so much that you’ve become lost and you don’t even see it. You had dreams but instead of following them you chose to follow me. Decided building a hate campaign against me would somehow get you noticed, make people see both of us for who we really are, make you feel better about yourself.
Has it made you feel better about yourself? Because surprise, surprise I’ve always shown my true colours and my true face, people have only started to see you for who and what you really are and guess what they are now judging you. Kind of ironic isn’t it? Let the judges be judged!
Hope you read this and turn your life around.
Hope this inspires and motivates you to do something other than wasting your life, trying to waste mine.
The thing is I would have loved to share all my glory and success with you right by my side where you actually belong but instead you chose this path of darkness and I got off that road a very long time ago so if you don’t choose to stray from the path your on you will end up alone.

Giving Thanks & Praise


For my last post of the year I want to take this chance to say thanks and show my love & appreciation to the people I love most.

This past year has seen many different twist and turns on my journey.

I’ve grown closer to people I didn’t think it was possible to get any closer too, and grown apart from people I thought I would be close to forever.

I’ve watched my friends grow and some change.

One of my best friends has not only been my constant source of light & strength but also my muse this whole year!
She is so strong even when she thinks and sometimes even believes she is actually weak, she is one of the strongest, most genuine and big hearted women I know and I am so proud to be her friend.
One of the things I most respect about her is how she can swallow her own pride, temporarily hide her pain and put others like me before herself because she cares that much, she loves that hard and knows what it means to be a true friend and goes above and beyond because of it.
Although she has had her own share of hardship, pain and problems; including unsuccessful IVF treatments she still embraced my pregnancy, listened to me moan, kept my spirits up and made sure she met my prince as soon as I got out of hospital.
She gave me hope when I wanted to give up and be hard on myself. She made me smile, laugh, be happy when I thought I couldn’t.
She is amazing!
I love you and for everything you have done for me, for us this year me and my family will be forever grateful.
Friends like you are hard to come by, big hearted people like you are rare to find.
I hope your turn will come soon. Your a wonderful friend. I admire so much about you.
When you finally become a mother I know that your child will be so blessed, loved, happy and content because you will be a brilliant mother.

I want to thank my friend who thought she would never find love. She is so brave as well as strong. You gave up your home, left the country, left your friends and family, left me, packed up your life and not only chased your dream but followed your heart.
You didn’t look back, didn’t listen to doubt, and look at you now! Happily married, crazy in love and planning a future while still balancing your career.
Determined to keep our friendship alive and strong you make sure we constantly keep in contact through every avenue; email, whatsapp, phone calls and even the post!
As if congratulations on the birth of my son wasn’t enough from across the seas, I returned home to a big delivery from postman pat. Baffled I opened it and cried to discover it was from you.
Further to that when you returned to London for a brief stint to visit friends and family you made sure to come and see me and my prince. The effort and determination was and still is admirable. This meant so much to me and was one of the highlights of my year.
You are one of my biggest supporters and dare I say ‘fans’ and although you lead a very busy lifestyle you set aside time to edit and proofread my book. Your amazing!
Thank you. I love you so much.

Thank you to the annoying friend of mine who forces her pastries and cakes on me. Visits me and the kids non stop because she loves the kids more than me!

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Thank you for being available to watch the children when I need to pop out, thank you for not being squeamish about changing dirty nappies, cooking me dinner and most of all chilling at my home and being so comfortable you treat it as your own!
I tease you all the time, but everyone knows the more I do it, equates the amount I love you…I guess haha.

Thank you Uxbridge crew(why I still call them that and they don’t even all live in Uxbridge, I don’t know lol) for everything you have done this year your support has been amazing and I hope I can somehow repay you all, my gratitude is immense words can’t describe how much I love you guys.

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A special thanks to my honorary sister Pachet Who is also across the seas. She is an inspirational woman that has taught me so many things, things she probably doesn’t even realise. She has taught me that being strong doesn’t always mean having no weaknesses, that family always come first, being an optimist will help you succeed, to follow my dream even if no one else is following you or supporting and most important she has taught me that my happiness is important, that I am important and special.
You have also taught me it’s good to believe in something and keep the faith. These are just a few things you have taught me.
I love you because as I have told you before you are not perfect but to me you are.

Thank you Mother Hubbard for being non judgemental, being perky, listening to my randomness, spending time with my family…buying Chinese my husband will love you forever now hahahaha, for introducing me to your beautiful children, speaking your mind, being open and honest. Your unlike anyone else I know but that’s brilliant and I love you for it even when you rant…to be fair we both take our turns hehe.

Last but not least…my SISTERS looooooooove you all except CERISE and TASHA they stink hahaha…I bought you deodorant for Christmas lol.
Seriously though without my sisters I don’t know how I would have smoothly transitioned through this year.

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They made life low stress if not stress free, made my kids spoilt with all the lavish gifts, made my husband feel at ease with their extra help, and most importantly got me dancing again!
They made me cry with laughter and joy, reminded me of who I am and who I’m not allowed to turn into and make me feel warm with love.
The times I’ve felt down and wanted to disappear but thoughts of my sisters have kept me so strong I’m still medication free!
Love you chickens and “do do” lol.

Oh and my husband…cha…loool…just because he likes to say “where am I?” There you go you have been mentioned hahaha

I’m thankful for all the love I have in my life. I’m happy my network is strong.

I hope everyone has a merry Christmas and I hope to see you all in the New Year!