Tag Archive | friendship

Writing is my fortay…


I’m back because lets face it oral communication has never been a strength of mine and I’m more than ok with that.With writing I can express so much more of what I am feeling and connect to people better too. It is the second year of grief and to my surprise after listening to my much loved friends and strangers too, the grief has not gotten any easier. After research I found I am not alone in my feeling of increased sadness the second year on. 

The first year was in fact the easiest for me for the simple fact I lived in denial the whole year. My heart had over ridden my head the whole year refusing to let my sister go.

However the beginning of this year it finally hit home for me and the pain grew immensely. The pain grew so fast and so heavy I had to have my medication increased twice just to keep me neutral. The good news is now stable on my meds, I feel more like myself than I have since the whole grief started, I would go as far as saying I can’t remember the last time I felt this good.

Another huge help has been from the one only Divya. I’m so grateful that I have this girl by my side. No one will ever replace my sister but this weirdo comes pretty close, hahaha. The love I feel whether I am with her in person or just talking to her on the phone is so great I feel like my sister’s soul shines through her. I don’t remember the last time I have made such a good friend with someone so fast that has lasted past the awkward first hiccups of getting to know one another. I am so happy that despite the ones who left after my grief was too much for them, this girl is still around always bringing me sunshine on cloudy days.​

Divya & I

I am thankful for all my good friends who have survived the hurricane of emotions I have been on, in this journey of grief. It is hard to deal with and so hard to understand unless you have been through it yourself and even then it is different for everyone. 

My news years resolution December 2016 was to honor my sister the way she would have wanted by regaining the woman I was before I lost her. By living life to the fullest the way I did when she was still with me.

Since the beginning of this year I have been going out of my way visiting all the people dearest to me who had supported me through my grief but I had slowly withdrawn from as the grief started to weigh me down.​

Katie and I

I went out of my way to visit the friends that I dont normally get to see because they live far and I dont always have money or time, the list goes on. However in the spirit of me and my sisters favorite motto “life is short” I have been making my rounds up and down London and outside London spreading the love.

Nikko and I

My travelling has been successful in that I found what I was looking for. I was reminded that I enjoying making people happy. I enjoy making people laugh, smile and building them up. I had forgotten how much it makes me smile, how much it makes me feel like me. Most importantly I had forgotten how much love there still is for me even though my sister is no longer here. 

Heaven (Cerise & Heena) sent me an Angel


I met someone and I am convinced you gift wrapped her and sent her especially for me.We met on facebook and connected instantly!

She is absolutely amazing.

She initially sent me a poem that helped me most days to deal with the pain of missing you everyday. 

Then from time to time she would message to see how I was doing.

She is so warm and open its two of her best qualities.

She shared her own experience of loss and we bonded even further.

Soon enough we were messaging every other night, well into the night. 

When we message it is like the whole world falls away and its just me and her sharing our losses but building each other, making each other stronger.

I can be completely honest with her, she knows almost everything about me already because she is one of those people that does not judge, preach or condescend. 

 

Cerise & Heena pushed us together

 I think I am in love.

It has been a long time since I met someone new, someone beautiful inside and out. 

I’ve been living with C-PTSD for almost 3 years now but starting a new friendship with this woman my condition wasn’t even an issue because she makes me feel so comfortable. 

She glows. Despite her pain she glows so bright and she motivates me to keep going.

She is a chatterbox but she always lets me speak and never speaks over me.

You know the best thing about her that actually reminds me of you? She laughs at my dumb jokes! She actually thinks that I am hilarious. She gets it Cerise, she gets me!

You did this didn’t you? Admit you sent her to me. You and her sister? You two met in Heaven saw how alone we felt, discussed and made a plan. You guys pushed us together. 

You sent this sweet woman to stop the crazy thoughts I have, stop the worry, stop the self-destruction. 

Is it crazy that being with her is like being with you. She is a complete nutter, and absolutely crazy. She makes me laugh.

I feel so relaxed around her.

My whole body and being just slumped in her presence when we finally met in person. I cried too. Imagine that! Crying in front of this person that I had only just met.

It didn’t feel like that though. She is one of those people that I feel as if I have known my whole life.

I knew you your whole life. 

When I cried I could see her welling up too but she didn’t let her emotion over shadow mine. 

She let me cry. She didn’t look at me funny or say something inappropriate she just let me cry, say my piece and then when it was over we moved on had a drink and went back to laughing.

She has this energy that reminds me of my own when I am at 100%

I don’t know if it is her or you or maybe both but she always texts me at the right time to see how I am doing. Every time I start slipping she texts me and I am back in that bubble with her feeling lifted. 

Thank you for sending her to me. I know you couldn’t bare to watch me and feel me be all alone without you.

Grateful for three words…


Today you opened up your heart wider than you ever have to me and I am grateful.

You took a leap of faith and placed your burdens on me and I felt your relief as the corners of your mouth turned up slightly when you tried to hide a little smile.

You are going to be okay my friend because I am here for you now like I have always been and as long as you keep me close I will always remain by your side where I belong.

Many have made the mistake of throwing my love away and then missing it, when it is gone because they didn’t know a great thing until it was gone. Don’t be that friend.

I will listen. I will hold you. I will stroke your hair. I will curse with you. I will laugh with you. I will cry with you. I will be what you need me to be until you are ready to be you all by yourself again. 

What you told me today. What you said. You will never understand how happy it made me feel deep down inside because I myself have been hurting from a pain so deep that I thought no one could fill that void again. In that one sentence not only did you fill that void, you restored faith back into me.

I don’t know if you still read my articles, I don’t know if my words still provide you with strength but let me tell you something; today you gave me strength. You gave me the strength in my ongoing silent battle I do not openly advertise but do share but not everyone sees if they do not bother to read between the lines like you and I. 

Stefanie; Thank you. Your words today. Three little words you shared with me today I don’t think you realise what they were but they gave me life. They said so much about our friendship and I appreciate them, I appreciate you and I appreciate our conversation today. 

Thank you (Protector)


 

My husband with our son

 
Thank you for protecting my heart,Thank you for reminding me the past belongs in the past,

Thank you for stopping me from inviting people in that are not welcome.

You always look out for me,

You always have enough rationale for the both of us,

You always clear the fog so that I can see clearly.

Thank you for reminding me who I am,

Thank you for reminding me what I deserve,

Thank you for being a barrier and my rock.

You always know what to say,

You always consider my feelings,

You always try to understand. 

Thank you for holding me hostage long enough for me to come to my senses,

Thank you for releasing me at just the right time,

Thank you for directing me towards the sun when I get lost in the darkness.

You always reinforce the walls in front of my heart when they crumble,

You always hold me back from the dangers,

You always save me from myself.

Thank you for being mine,

Thank you for loving me,

Thank you for being my best friend.

Building Bridges


  
I felt inspired to actually stop being so prideful and contact my Mother-in-Law to tell her I do not hate her despite everything that has happened and she responded with such a lovely message that left me feeling so lovely, warm and fuzzy inside that I just had to share it with you guys. 

Is this not the sweetest thing? Bless her. I did say way back when in one old angry post about the MIL that we did actually share and bond once upon a time, because we were friends for 8 and a half years up until 2 years ago.

I really apreciated this message. I don’t know where we will go from here as I still have trust issues with all that broke my heart and as I told her she played her part in that but I was really thankful for this loving message and the loving message she sent after this one once I replied with a thank you. 

I may not feel the same about her as I did when we were close but since this warmed my heart who knows.

I even made peace with Geraldine and Aaron. Although I have had no word from Aaron and won’t hold my breathe I have heard from the Icequeen herself and what she says is always a joint effort. 

Life really does just keep moving.

Forgiveness feels good. I have been embracing it for about a year now and it honestly does grow you to higher levels.