Tag Archive | depression

Seeking validation and suicide triggers


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PTSD


Just broken and every time I try to put the pieces together they fall right back apart like my heart is taped together with sellotape. 

There is no permanent fix. Just empty smiles and laughter waiting for my moment to be with you.

I take two step forwards only to take a further 100 back into heartache and despair.

Jumping, dancing, smiling and even having fun on occasion. 

Then when everyone leaves and its all quiet and I am alone; thats just it Im alone.

The flashbacks come back. Mum and aunty screaming, breaking, dying inside. The circus surrounding you as the police let them watch. 

Breaking the glass. Jade and Angel trying to protect me from the shards of glass. 

Seeing Tony lose his cool, he lost control for the first time ever!

Junior bleeding, him holding you. Trying to wake you. Trying to save you. 

Pamela trying to comfort me as I feel every ounce of me die on the inside as my body temperature drops. I feel as cold as you look. 

Katie’s face draining from blood, her hair going limp, the horror on her face.

And even after all that I still wait at the window on weekends for you to come over for a drink and catch up gossip. 

I still go to call you or text you before remembering you will never reply again.

People keep telling me I have PTSD. How could I not?

I was subjected to so much horror and it still isn’t over.

Its not over till I bring to justice everyone who did you and I wrong. 

But when will the nightmares stop? Im fed up of missing movie and tv series plots as I stare blankly at the screen replaying the horrors in my head over and over again.

Trying to get on my life with this void in me that I know will never be able to be filled. 

All my projects sit on the side as I await your encouragement but without you I just don’t care about enough to see things through. 

So far off from my peace. So unbalanced. So lost without you.