Wanted: Some appreciation! 

Sometimes I feel as though being a woman and being under appreciated go hand in hand.I clean, I cook, I scrub, I wash, I fold, I work, I cuddle, I kiss, I sleep (sometimes) and then the process starts all over again the next day, and the next day, and the next week, the following month and the year after that.

Would it kill you to randomly say “thanks for that”,”I appreciate that”, “well done!”, “good job!”

Even when I am tired, my back is aching, my head is aching, my soul is screaming for some R&R I carry on, I push through,  I keep moving forward.

The straw that broke the camels back, that phrase comes to mind when you look at me perplexed at why I am crying again, why my mind starts breaking, why I whisk myself away on last minute “me time weekends”. What you analyse as “OTT Behavior” is just a woman fed up, pushed to the edge, a woman deserving of appreciation that you have yet again failed to produce.

Women have become so good at witholding, so good at silence, and finally at accepting that our validation only need come from ourselves, love starts with ourselves and you know what so does appreciation!

Why do we do the things we do for the people who are either clueless, stupid or plain ignorant (or all three) to our needs?

Its no secret I love women, women are strong, women are beautiful,  we are magic.

However you get women tearing other women down a whole lot now and I’m starting to wonder did it all begin with the under appreciation we get from just being born female?

Just thoughts on a lazy Sunday….

You will be tested repeatedly until you learn the lesson intended!

 I saw this post on Instagram. I love posts that make you think. 

This one spoke to me because something recently happened to me the weekend just gone that made my husband question me in a similar fashion to this post.

He was upset about what happened and asked me if I was angered or upset by this particular incident.

I will not be going into detail about what happened (I know so unlike me hahahaha) but I will say the reason I was unaffected by what happened.

I’ve reached a point in my life where most people and most situations can’t effect me negatively. Too much has happened in my life to let the negative actions and behaviour of others bring me down.

I know that I am responsible for my own happiness and in knowing this not only does it give me a great sense of strength it has helped me grow immensely.

Not so many years ago I would have let the situation make me angry, bitter, resentful but not anymore. I gave myself roughly 5 minutes maybe less to mourn the experience or to let out the anger then I put all the negative energy in a balloon and let it go (one of my favourite metaphors and favourite things to do when im angry). 

Once that balloon was gone, so where all the emotions inside it. It was that easy. Granted it wasn’t always that easy it took years of training but was certainly worth it.

Thankfully no longer the “victim” of my own circumstances or life, this “victor” always has a plan b and the weekend turned into the perfect weekend filled with such love, laughter and happiness that I forgot to write this post until I was reminded this morning by that very Instagram post.

Every day I’m tested by something or someone new and finally after years of losing, I’m winning! They say the universe will repeatedly put us in the same situation or will give us the same test over and over again until we finally learn the lesson intended.

Needless to say…lesson learnt!

Its always the one you least expect…

I am so grateful for the good friends that I have.
I can’t believe the anniversary of my sister passing is fast approaching and if it weren’t through the love and support of my closest friends and family I honestly wouldn’t have pushed through.

I am not going to lie some people have really surprised me. In the most beautiful and loving of ways.

For instance ‘My friend Chloe’.

Chloe & I

It has taken me quite sometime to call Chloe my friend. I have known her for more than 5 years now and we have always got along. We have always had a laugh. She has always been kind to me, we have hung out on many occasions, clubbed together, chilled together and even been on holiday together. Yet somehow I always found it hard to say the words “My friend” concerning Chloe.

The reason being I met her through one of my sisters. So whenever I would lovingly speak of her I would always describe her or even introduce her as “my sisters friend’. I have even done it numerous times here on my blog.

Chloe, My sister Cheryl & I

However it suddenly hit me one afternoon while I was reflecting on the past year of events that Chloe is one of my closest friends. She isn’t just my sister’s friend, she is a genuine friend of mine.I guess with everything I have been through especially with ‘so-called friends’ it was hard to admit what was right before me the whole time.

What made things even more apparent is how much Chloe has been here for me not just this past year but always.

Cerise & Chloe

Although Cerise and I knew Chloe was Cheryl’s best friend we would joke she was in fact Cerise’s best friend as them two were always seen to be chatting incessantly like they were in their own world together, had the most “selfies” together and always ignored the rest of the group when we were out. But I was never jealous of Cerise and Chloe because, Chloe’s sister Amy is “my wife” and we have our thing (lol).

Me & Amy

However as I was reflecting on this past year and the blur of faces that have come and gone with empty promises and gestures, Chloe has remained true not only to her word and to me but to herself and I love that quality in her.

Chloe & Cerise

Although like the rest of the world she has her own problems, her own life to deal with she has made a remarkable balance of juggling being a friend to me, an aunt to my children and all the other roles she so graciously carries out when she is not with me.

My daughter and Chloe. one of the many occassions she has taken her out for the day.

So many people said they would be here for me when Cerise left this earth but not many acted upon those words. I am not judging or pointing fingers.

Chloe & my son. One of their many bonding sessions.

I know for whatever reasons it has probably not been possible to act on the promises made. I am just making it a point to address who has been here. I don’t know if they meant well and forgot, was offering sympathetic words for the sake of it or just down right broke their promise all I know is before Chloe even said anything she had already contributed to paying for Cerise’s funeral, made me horrible food (she can’t cook! Kidding!!) but she made me multiple dishes when I could barely look after myself let alone my family when everything was still so raw, she would constantly check in with me via text messages or late night phone conversations; the best part not in an invasive or forceful way, she took my children out regularly and became a sounding board for my daughter who had lost her best friend in Cerise and desperately needed another “cool adult chick/Aunty” to look up too, helped me with school runs, treated me to lunches, (thankfully because she cant cook! Sorry I am joking…kinda ahahaha) unknowingly reminded me of who I am and who I still can be .

These are just a few of the things she has done for me and yet only recently had it occurred to me that she is one of my very special friends. Not just my sister’s friend she is my friend also.

Cerise, me & Chloe

I don’t know why but she was one of the people that surprised me, she was one of the people I least expected to step up in my time of immense pain. Yet here she is and here she has always been it just unfortunately took my sister’s passing to realise that.

I love you so much Chloe that I am now holding back tears as i finish up this piece. I wanted to write this to let you know I am so grateful for everything you have done since Cerise left and I am so happy you are in my life.

I am so blessed to call you MY friend.

I am so happy to have you in my children’s life. I am so glad that I and they can depend on you. I am so happy you have never lied to me, judged me or treated me less than I deserve.

I want to thank you despite not being myself, being broken and all over the place with my roller coaster emotions, medication changes, down days, tears and tantrums that you are still hear, still MY friend, still true, still beautiful, still keeping your promise still helping to hold me and my family together through your love and light.

You are truly an angel.

Even if our friendship doesn’t last forever I will never forget everything you have done for me and my family.

Karptie, Chloe & Cerise

I also want to say a special thank you to Isis who I invited out on a night out with my mum and her friend last night. We danced the night away. Although Isis is my God-Sister we have never really spent anytime together as adults.

Me & Isis

She is another beautiful, strong, woman who has been there for me through everything I have been unfortunately going through and it surprised me also in the most beautiful way.

She too has been going through her own inner turmoil yet not at any point did she let that stop her from checking on me, seeing if I was OK, making promises that she has undoubtedly kept by being there whenever I have needed an ear or shoulder.

She is remarkable in so many ways I can only hope our friendship and bond increase over time and I can somehow repay her for all she has inadvertently helped me with.

I would also like to thank Etta one of “Cerise’s friends” who again is someone who has constantly been here for me since losing Cerise. Never pushing for information, never judging me but always being open and honest enough to make me feel at ease.

Day with Etta and kids

She invited me into her family home, I met her children, she met mine and I truly adore her.

Always a snapchat or whatsapp away she never ignores me and always handles me and my feelings with care.

Etta and I

Another person who has helped me in so many ways without her even realising.

There are so many of these people in my life that only now as clarity kicks in and the anniversary of Cerise’s passing arrives; that I am truly grateful for.

Mummy, Dad, Eroll, Vadz, Jasmine, Janice (insert eye roll lol), Katie, Bilen, Laura, Carol, Simone, Shayna, Jaymi, Caz, Jodan, Angel, Juicy Lucie, Div, Vidya, Priya, Kaye Lena-Louise, Ari Metos, Christal, Jada, Shinel, Claire…the list goes on.

So many of you that I can’t even mention because this post would turn into a list of names as long as the ones at the beginning of the bible lol. 

Hopefully you all know who you are. I know it may sound stupid to you guys but I am the kind of person that has to show and verbalise her gratitude because life is too short not too. To let you all go on wondering “Was she grateful?’, “Does she know I am her friend?” “Is she okay?”.

I am the kind of person that thrives off making other people happy by spreading my love and light as far and as long as possible.

I need my people, my support system, my friends, my family to know how and why I feel the way I do; and for me as most of you know even though to a select few I can verbalise it orally, my platform is through written word. So thank you I love you all.

I apologise

Sometimes I will admit I can become so tired of myself. Sick of myself in fact. I look in the mirror and see this weak, pathetic and needy woman looking back at me and I hate her. 

The people that treat me the worse I treat the kindest and for what?

I apologise to the people I feel I have hurt because I can’t carry that heaviness in my heart every day. The burden is too heavy and it poisons me every second of everyday that I do. 

To the woman who I pushed away once I could tell she had, had enough of my grief. The same women who could no longer deal with a depressed friend. The woman who was in it for only the good times and only a quota of bad. 

I apologised. 

I told her sorry I showed her my depressive state. I apologised for bringing her down with my misery. Apologised for pushing her away. 

She kindly carried on with her initial response and not only ignored my gesture but blocked me from her life all over again. Nice huh?

To the woman I helped give birth to her first born child. To the mother of the child I stayed awake hours caring for her colic child being gentle, sweet and patient as possible. To the woman whom I warned via her partner about people trying to harm her. 

To the woman I would leave my own family for to accompany her on nights she needed or wanted me. 

The same woman who called me a “terrible mother, terrible friend, terrible person and immature”. 

I apologised. 

I told her I was sorry I hurt her by not following her every instruction. I was sorry that I assumed she trusted me just because I was caring for her new born child. 

I apologised for being a terrible person. 

To which she not only blocked me from her life in way of a reply but then tried to convince others including my own friends that I intentionally inflicted emotional trauma on her and I am a great deceiver. Then to add the “cherry on top” said she wished me the best of luck in life? At which I became confused at who was deceiving who. 

To the distant friend who kicked me out of her home the weekend I came to stay. The same friend who did not care if I got hit by a car outside her home or if I walked miles in circles to try and find my way home from such a far away place that I did not know. 

The same person who looked me in my eyes while I cried desperate tears and pleaded with to resolve our argument. 

I apologised. 

I apologised for not being a mind reader. I apologised for not doing what she had wanted, when she had wanted. I apologised for not explaining myself properly. I apologised for all our misunderstandings. 

Why am I like this?

Why am I nice to people who clearly not only can’t stand me, think I am worthless and treat me accordingly?

They say “kill em with kindness” but its killing me; not them. 

I used to think the only option was to do the opposite and be more like them. Be nasty. Be bitchy. 

I have it in me and yet I choose not to. 


I am not them. They are not me. 

At the end of the day I have to live with myself for the rest of my life. I want to be able to look back on my life and say I at least tried to be a good, loving and caring person. 

I can only hope that being these things are rewarded. 

I look at all these people now and see them getting on not a care in the world about what they did to me. Some I know for a fact still enjoy the fact they stepped on me and pray I am still broken as a result of what they did; yes some of them take pride in who they are and what they have done especially if it is horrible. 

For all of those who supported me the other day in regards to my contemplation on Karma, I thank you again although I am still contemplating it. 

I realise now Karma or not I am lucky in the sense that these people who treat me this way have given me the biggest gift of all by staying away because they are not the sort of people I ever want back in my life. Throwing apologies back in my face as if they are better, bigger and more maturer than me? Yet to me it seems they are the very opposite especially how they let their pride control them. 

I may look weak. 

Sometimes I may even feel weak especially for my apologising nature. However I have so many good friends, family, love and light that the reflection I see is only ever temporary like a small stone making a ripple in the sea. 

Some of the things I miss…

I miss sitting next to you on the sofa. I miss the energy and love we shared. Sitting there sometimes in silence, most times crying with laughter. 
I miss staring at you and thinking when did my ugly ducking heavy baby sister turn into a beautiful swan? You were never ugly though. Never could be. 
I miss cooking pizza’s with you. If it weren’t burnt, it weren’t done right remember that? Hahahaha. 

I miss watching random and pointless documentaries with you when we were up way past our bed times. Member the sausage one? We learned about what “connective tissue” is and how sausage isn’t just made of the “good part of the pig”? Then we had sausages for breakfast and told mum all about it and laughed because we didn’t care what it was made of we loved sausages. Mum and I still do. 

I miss repeating your name to you over and over just to get on your nerves. 

I miss you telling me to shut up and being fake mad at me because no matter how hard you tried you could never be mad at me, you always thought I was so funny. 

I miss you brushing my hair when you were little. I miss brushing yours. 

I miss our cuddles. You always held me so tight from toddler to teenage your hugs had so much love in them. 

I miss going shopping with you. I hate shopping. But with you it was always great because we didn’t ever have much time. 

You’d tell me to meet you at 12:00pm I’d be on time and you had only just got out of bed. 

By 2:00pm you’d only just start putting on your face. By 3:00pm you were hungry so we would go to eat. By 4:30pm you’d be ready to shop by 5:00pm you would be ready to give up shopping and go home for a nap? It was always a waste of time hahahaha but I didn’t care I just loved spending time with you so would follow you home anyway. 

I miss hearing you sing along to bashment I never understood what they were saying because I always said I’m more British than you. Hahahaha. 

I miss the weird spots on your feet. I used to tease you and ask why you had liver spots on your feet. I would grab your long clown feet and tickle them you kicking me to stop and screaming with laughter. 

I miss those clown feet. Why were your feet so damn long. Size 8 shoes same as mums. She still borrows your shoes. 

I still miss you every single day. Its even worse when I try not to. But how can I not miss such a huge part of my life. A huge part of me. 

I Love you Cerise xxx