I hope your in “Heaven”



I wish you could feel just a milligram of my pain, nothing I do can take it away.

I want so much for there to be sunshine but all there is rain,

I keep pushing the negativity but it keeps coming back again and again. 

Why has the universe done this? Why do I feel this way?

Everyone telling me it will be better one day,

I lost my world how can I find it again?

I dont wish any mother, sibling, or family this pain. 

I try so hard to hide the hurt,

But all that does is make it worse. 

I’m so sick of the random crying,

But I cant help the fact on the inside im dying. 

I’m an autopilot like my life is the same,

But we all know it wont ever be again. 

I’m tired of the constant facade,

The whispers, the stares, the shame. 

Social media at its best or worst?

I cut them off before I scream and curse. 

They would love to see that, to them its all a show,

They dare laugh and gossip but only to my back though. 

Everyday I’m sad, everyday I’m empty, knowing you will never be replaced,

I hope your in heaven while I’m stuck in this place. 

I am trying Cerise, to be without you everyday,

But I cant do that unless you take this pain away. 


Rain forecast 


cerise & I

Unfortunately as the days elapse the reality is starting to settle in.

It is getting harder and harder to keep up this facade.

I smile, I laugh, I still make banter. All the while the darkness inside is feeding off the sorrow and grief I am really feeling.

I can’t stop the rain cloud from chasing me, from getting comfortable above my head, from the heavy downpour predicted.

I have a feeling there will be thunder and there will most definetly be lightening because I can’t contain this pain much longer.

The pain is bigger than me.
I am slowly drowning because the memory of how to swim escapes me.

Today Amarie caught me daydreaming. She looked so worried. She said “mummy are you ok?”, shouldn’t I be asking her that.

Everyone is talking Cerise. Everyone knows. School run is suffocating. I bump into random people who tell me “I’m sorry” I just want to run. Today I did. 

I keep thinking your the first person I always turn to when I start getting down but now…

It is settling in.

The weight of everyone else on my shoulders is physically and mentally crippling. But I cant show them Cerise, they all want me to be strong.

In the last two weeks the priest, the fineral director even the local shop vendor told me “you dont look a day over 21” I don’t feel 21 or even 31. I feel after all is said and done I will look and feel 101. 

Life is scary without you, its boring too. Who will finish our bucket list now. We were supposed to bungee jump, jump out of a plane, feed the homeless at Christmas and so much more.

Where do I go from here?

It is settling in and I feel so low. 

I dreamt about you…

I dreamt about you all night,Then I was awaken rudely by the morning light.

I dreamt that the past few weeks had all been a dream,

I dreamt that everything was not as it seemed. 

You came home and I screamed with delight,

Wrapped my arms around you and held you so tight.

Your beautiful eyes stared deep into my soul,

You were real because you felt so warm.

Your hair was different, you’d cut it again,

But I didn’t let that detail throw me in anyway.

I fought so hard to stay with you in the dream,

I didn’t want to wake up in reality.

A world without you, a world of pain and sorrow,

My world where I have no hope for tomorrow.

A life with a gaping hole in my heart where you used to be,

A life without my baby sister Cee.

Thank you (Protector)


My husband with our son

Thank you for protecting my heart,Thank you for reminding me the past belongs in the past,

Thank you for stopping me from inviting people in that are not welcome.

You always look out for me,

You always have enough rationale for the both of us,

You always clear the fog so that I can see clearly.

Thank you for reminding me who I am,

Thank you for reminding me what I deserve,

Thank you for being a barrier and my rock.

You always know what to say,

You always consider my feelings,

You always try to understand. 

Thank you for holding me hostage long enough for me to come to my senses,

Thank you for releasing me at just the right time,

Thank you for directing me towards the sun when I get lost in the darkness.

You always reinforce the walls in front of my heart when they crumble,

You always hold me back from the dangers,

You always save me from myself.

Thank you for being mine,

Thank you for loving me,

Thank you for being my best friend.

Goodbye sweet Angel

I don’t understand why the angels took you away

It’s causes me so much grief to know your mummy and daddy are in pain
They didn’t get to know you very long
They will carry you in their hearts forever. 
I hadn’t been lucky enough to meet you yet
Mummy wanted to be wrapped up in you first
Shedding tears over a baby I will now never get to meet
Never got to smell that sweet head
Hold your tiny body or see your face up close
I miss you even though I’ve only known you through a few images mummy shared
I wish I could bring you back because I know you have taken a part of mummy and daddy that they will never be able to get back or replace
I will never understand why some have to leave this earth so soon 
Mummy and daddy may never accept you are gone
You brought them so much joy and filled their hearts
I can only promise to try my best to take care of them while you are apart
They will see you again one day
You will be reunited
Until then my sweet baby A rest in peace 
Mummy and daddy love you, will never forget you and will remember you everyday. 
Can’t imagine how one of my closest friends must feel loosing her newborn son. I can’t stop crying. I feel such sorrow for her and her husband. 
I will never understand why things like this have to happen. They believe in God. Why did God do this to them?
I believe in the universe but they don’t deserve this. Everything happens for a reason, but what is the reasoning behind this!
I’m so angry and hurt. Is it weird I feel betrayed too?
Why has this happened? They were good people. Their son would have wanted for nothing ESPECIALLY LOVE! Why did he have to die? This is so heartbreaking. 
I have no idea how to help my friend. I have no words or actions other than to tell her I love her and offer lots of cuddles and kisses. 
Death comes to us all eventually I understand that part but I don’t understand why this little boy has been taken away from us. 
I’m so confused.  I’m so upset. I get angrier the more I think about it but I’m trying to keep calm, but her little baby. 
3 weeks and 4 days he was here. That’s all the time she got to stare into his beautiful face, eyes and soul before he passed. 
When she carried him for months she refused to make any complaints because she knew she was blessed to carry a healthy baby when others couldn’t. 
She had a plan. She asked for advice she thought she might need. She ignored opinions of others that didn’t matter. She was organised. She was prepared for it all. Not this. Who can prepare for this. 
I feel so down. It just hurts that she has to go through this. It’s not fair, it’s not. 
I wish I could magic it all away, I wish I could turn back time, talk to the man she says is in charge. 
Give him back, just give him back please he was his and her everything. 
Not fair.
I’m so sorry my love, so sorry this had to happen to you. 
My rock, one of the loves of my life. 
May he rest in peace and may you live in peace. 
I love you.