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Writing is my fortay…


I’m back because lets face it oral communication has never been a strength of mine and I’m more than ok with that.With writing I can express so much more of what I am feeling and connect to people better too. It is the second year of grief and to my surprise after listening to my much loved friends and strangers too, the grief has not gotten any easier. After research I found I am not alone in my feeling of increased sadness the second year on. 

The first year was in fact the easiest for me for the simple fact I lived in denial the whole year. My heart had over ridden my head the whole year refusing to let my sister go.

However the beginning of this year it finally hit home for me and the pain grew immensely. The pain grew so fast and so heavy I had to have my medication increased twice just to keep me neutral. The good news is now stable on my meds, I feel more like myself than I have since the whole grief started, I would go as far as saying I can’t remember the last time I felt this good.

Another huge help has been from the one only Divya. I’m so grateful that I have this girl by my side. No one will ever replace my sister but this weirdo comes pretty close, hahaha. The love I feel whether I am with her in person or just talking to her on the phone is so great I feel like my sister’s soul shines through her. I don’t remember the last time I have made such a good friend with someone so fast that has lasted past the awkward first hiccups of getting to know one another. I am so happy that despite the ones who left after my grief was too much for them, this girl is still around always bringing me sunshine on cloudy days.​

Divya & I

I am thankful for all my good friends who have survived the hurricane of emotions I have been on, in this journey of grief. It is hard to deal with and so hard to understand unless you have been through it yourself and even then it is different for everyone. 

My news years resolution December 2016 was to honor my sister the way she would have wanted by regaining the woman I was before I lost her. By living life to the fullest the way I did when she was still with me.

Since the beginning of this year I have been going out of my way visiting all the people dearest to me who had supported me through my grief but I had slowly withdrawn from as the grief started to weigh me down.​

Katie and I

I went out of my way to visit the friends that I dont normally get to see because they live far and I dont always have money or time, the list goes on. However in the spirit of me and my sisters favorite motto “life is short” I have been making my rounds up and down London and outside London spreading the love.

Nikko and I

My travelling has been successful in that I found what I was looking for. I was reminded that I enjoying making people happy. I enjoy making people laugh, smile and building them up. I had forgotten how much it makes me smile, how much it makes me feel like me. Most importantly I had forgotten how much love there still is for me even though my sister is no longer here. 

Its always the one you least expect…


I am so grateful for the good friends that I have.
I can’t believe the anniversary of my sister passing is fast approaching and if it weren’t through the love and support of my closest friends and family I honestly wouldn’t have pushed through.

I am not going to lie some people have really surprised me. In the most beautiful and loving of ways.

For instance ‘My friend Chloe’.

Chloe & I

It has taken me quite sometime to call Chloe my friend. I have known her for more than 5 years now and we have always got along. We have always had a laugh. She has always been kind to me, we have hung out on many occasions, clubbed together, chilled together and even been on holiday together. Yet somehow I always found it hard to say the words “My friend” concerning Chloe.


The reason being I met her through one of my sisters. So whenever I would lovingly speak of her I would always describe her or even introduce her as “my sisters friend’. I have even done it numerous times here on my blog.

Chloe, My sister Cheryl & I


However it suddenly hit me one afternoon while I was reflecting on the past year of events that Chloe is one of my closest friends. She isn’t just my sister’s friend, she is a genuine friend of mine.I guess with everything I have been through especially with ‘so-called friends’ it was hard to admit what was right before me the whole time.

What made things even more apparent is how much Chloe has been here for me not just this past year but always.

Cerise & Chloe


Although Cerise and I knew Chloe was Cheryl’s best friend we would joke she was in fact Cerise’s best friend as them two were always seen to be chatting incessantly like they were in their own world together, had the most “selfies” together and always ignored the rest of the group when we were out. But I was never jealous of Cerise and Chloe because, Chloe’s sister Amy is “my wife” and we have our thing (lol).

Me & Amy


However as I was reflecting on this past year and the blur of faces that have come and gone with empty promises and gestures, Chloe has remained true not only to her word and to me but to herself and I love that quality in her.

Chloe & Cerise


Although like the rest of the world she has her own problems, her own life to deal with she has made a remarkable balance of juggling being a friend to me, an aunt to my children and all the other roles she so graciously carries out when she is not with me.

My daughter and Chloe. one of the many occassions she has taken her out for the day.


So many people said they would be here for me when Cerise left this earth but not many acted upon those words. I am not judging or pointing fingers.

Chloe & my son. One of their many bonding sessions.


I know for whatever reasons it has probably not been possible to act on the promises made. I am just making it a point to address who has been here. I don’t know if they meant well and forgot, was offering sympathetic words for the sake of it or just down right broke their promise all I know is before Chloe even said anything she had already contributed to paying for Cerise’s funeral, made me horrible food (she can’t cook! Kidding!!) but she made me multiple dishes when I could barely look after myself let alone my family when everything was still so raw, she would constantly check in with me via text messages or late night phone conversations; the best part not in an invasive or forceful way, she took my children out regularly and became a sounding board for my daughter who had lost her best friend in Cerise and desperately needed another “cool adult chick/Aunty” to look up too, helped me with school runs, treated me to lunches, (thankfully because she cant cook! Sorry I am joking…kinda ahahaha) unknowingly reminded me of who I am and who I still can be .

These are just a few of the things she has done for me and yet only recently had it occurred to me that she is one of my very special friends. Not just my sister’s friend she is my friend also.

Cerise, me & Chloe


I don’t know why but she was one of the people that surprised me, she was one of the people I least expected to step up in my time of immense pain. Yet here she is and here she has always been it just unfortunately took my sister’s passing to realise that.


I love you so much Chloe that I am now holding back tears as i finish up this piece. I wanted to write this to let you know I am so grateful for everything you have done since Cerise left and I am so happy you are in my life.


I am so blessed to call you MY friend.

I am so happy to have you in my children’s life. I am so glad that I and they can depend on you. I am so happy you have never lied to me, judged me or treated me less than I deserve.

I want to thank you despite not being myself, being broken and all over the place with my roller coaster emotions, medication changes, down days, tears and tantrums that you are still hear, still MY friend, still true, still beautiful, still keeping your promise still helping to hold me and my family together through your love and light.

You are truly an angel.


Even if our friendship doesn’t last forever I will never forget everything you have done for me and my family.

Karptie, Chloe & Cerise


I also want to say a special thank you to Isis who I invited out on a night out with my mum and her friend last night. We danced the night away. Although Isis is my God-Sister we have never really spent anytime together as adults.

Me & Isis


She is another beautiful, strong, woman who has been there for me through everything I have been unfortunately going through and it surprised me also in the most beautiful way.

She too has been going through her own inner turmoil yet not at any point did she let that stop her from checking on me, seeing if I was OK, making promises that she has undoubtedly kept by being there whenever I have needed an ear or shoulder.

She is remarkable in so many ways I can only hope our friendship and bond increase over time and I can somehow repay her for all she has inadvertently helped me with.

I would also like to thank Etta one of “Cerise’s friends” who again is someone who has constantly been here for me since losing Cerise. Never pushing for information, never judging me but always being open and honest enough to make me feel at ease.

Day with Etta and kids


She invited me into her family home, I met her children, she met mine and I truly adore her.

Always a snapchat or whatsapp away she never ignores me and always handles me and my feelings with care.

Etta and I


Another person who has helped me in so many ways without her even realising.

There are so many of these people in my life that only now as clarity kicks in and the anniversary of Cerise’s passing arrives; that I am truly grateful for.

Mummy, Dad, Eroll, Vadz, Jasmine, Janice (insert eye roll lol), Katie, Bilen, Laura, Carol, Simone, Shayna, Jaymi, Caz, Jodan, Angel, Juicy Lucie, Div, Vidya, Priya, Kaye Lena-Louise, Ari Metos, Christal, Jada, Shinel, Claire…the list goes on.

So many of you that I can’t even mention because this post would turn into a list of names as long as the ones at the beginning of the bible lol. 

Hopefully you all know who you are. I know it may sound stupid to you guys but I am the kind of person that has to show and verbalise her gratitude because life is too short not too. To let you all go on wondering “Was she grateful?’, “Does she know I am her friend?” “Is she okay?”.

I am the kind of person that thrives off making other people happy by spreading my love and light as far and as long as possible.

I need my people, my support system, my friends, my family to know how and why I feel the way I do; and for me as most of you know even though to a select few I can verbalise it orally, my platform is through written word. So thank you I love you all.

I apologise


Sometimes I will admit I can become so tired of myself. Sick of myself in fact. I look in the mirror and see this weak, pathetic and needy woman looking back at me and I hate her. 

The people that treat me the worse I treat the kindest and for what?

I apologise to the people I feel I have hurt because I can’t carry that heaviness in my heart every day. The burden is too heavy and it poisons me every second of everyday that I do. 

To the woman who I pushed away once I could tell she had, had enough of my grief. The same women who could no longer deal with a depressed friend. The woman who was in it for only the good times and only a quota of bad. 

I apologised. 

I told her sorry I showed her my depressive state. I apologised for bringing her down with my misery. Apologised for pushing her away. 

She kindly carried on with her initial response and not only ignored my gesture but blocked me from her life all over again. Nice huh?

To the woman I helped give birth to her first born child. To the mother of the child I stayed awake hours caring for her colic child being gentle, sweet and patient as possible. To the woman whom I warned via her partner about people trying to harm her. 

To the woman I would leave my own family for to accompany her on nights she needed or wanted me. 

The same woman who called me a “terrible mother, terrible friend, terrible person and immature”. 

I apologised. 

I told her I was sorry I hurt her by not following her every instruction. I was sorry that I assumed she trusted me just because I was caring for her new born child. 

I apologised for being a terrible person. 

To which she not only blocked me from her life in way of a reply but then tried to convince others including my own friends that I intentionally inflicted emotional trauma on her and I am a great deceiver. Then to add the “cherry on top” said she wished me the best of luck in life? At which I became confused at who was deceiving who. 

To the distant friend who kicked me out of her home the weekend I came to stay. The same friend who did not care if I got hit by a car outside her home or if I walked miles in circles to try and find my way home from such a far away place that I did not know. 

The same person who looked me in my eyes while I cried desperate tears and pleaded with to resolve our argument. 

I apologised. 

I apologised for not being a mind reader. I apologised for not doing what she had wanted, when she had wanted. I apologised for not explaining myself properly. I apologised for all our misunderstandings. 

Why am I like this?

Why am I nice to people who clearly not only can’t stand me, think I am worthless and treat me accordingly?

They say “kill em with kindness” but its killing me; not them. 

I used to think the only option was to do the opposite and be more like them. Be nasty. Be bitchy. 

I have it in me and yet I choose not to. 

Why?

I am not them. They are not me. 

At the end of the day I have to live with myself for the rest of my life. I want to be able to look back on my life and say I at least tried to be a good, loving and caring person. 

I can only hope that being these things are rewarded. 

I look at all these people now and see them getting on not a care in the world about what they did to me. Some I know for a fact still enjoy the fact they stepped on me and pray I am still broken as a result of what they did; yes some of them take pride in who they are and what they have done especially if it is horrible. 

For all of those who supported me the other day in regards to my contemplation on Karma, I thank you again although I am still contemplating it. 

I realise now Karma or not I am lucky in the sense that these people who treat me this way have given me the biggest gift of all by staying away because they are not the sort of people I ever want back in my life. Throwing apologies back in my face as if they are better, bigger and more maturer than me? Yet to me it seems they are the very opposite especially how they let their pride control them. 

I may look weak. 

Sometimes I may even feel weak especially for my apologising nature. However I have so many good friends, family, love and light that the reflection I see is only ever temporary like a small stone making a ripple in the sea. 

I am still waiting…


My mind refuses to acknowledge your passing. My body accepts it because I can not physically hug you anymore, touch you lovingly, playfully. My mind is ripping apart trying to process the information but it just wont stick. I tell my brain that you are no longer here. It registers for a moment and then not? It just wont accept it. 

My mind rejects the even mere thought of you not being here. My mind is confused. My mind won’t give up. I am in this constant battle.

“Cerise is gone” I tell myself but my brain tells me “Look out the window, wait a little longer she is coming home”.

I am insane. I must be insane. What is wrong with me?

It is getting harder and harder to stay here, to stay in one piece. Nothing is important to me anymore, no one is important. Just you.

I want to go over mums house and hit you in the head to wake you up, or plank on you when your trying to sleep and get rest for work because you know how I like to annoy the hell out of you.

Hell.

I am still in Hell while you look down on me from Heaven.

Feel good? Your officially the bigger sister looking down on me.

It hurts all the time. So much pain. One extreme to the other. Its either extreme pain that is so unbearable that even focusing on trying to breathe is a chore or nothing; just complete numbness with a fake smile on top.

I cant deal.

These last few days have been rough.

Fighting for you. Liaising with people trying to get things done while all the while I am battling my demons within.

I know I am loved. I know I have people but in those deep darkest moments when I am alone I have to fight everything inside me not to give up and join you.

What is this life without you? Nothing.

I know I should be grateful I have so many blessings; so many things to live for but I can’t.

Loosing you is loosing everything. 

The grief is so much. It gets heavier everyday. Its beating me down. Pulling me apart. Dragging me. Burning me. Sucking the life and soul out of me.

I want to be the same but I am not. I won’t be.

I hate you. Why couldn’t you have been the miracle? Why couldn’t you have lived? I hate me. Why couldn’t I save your life.

I hate the universe. Why did the universe do this to me. Why did the Universe take you away from me? Why? Why? Why? Endless “Why’s”

I cried on the bus again all the way from Asda to home. Man Asda without you is getting really depressing. I cried on my neighbours shoulder when I got home. Then I cried some more when she left and screamed, and moaned and contemplated suicide.

Sj cried too. He hates seeing mummy cry. I hate having him see mummy cry too.

What is the point in getting answers? Juicy was right when she said it is not going to bring you back. What is the point in staying here anyway? We are all going to die some day you proved that, so why wait? I live for you, but living for you is lonely and painful. Why should I be here if I don’t have to be?

Your still echoing in my head. Whispers when I make tea, whispers when I dance, whispers and that contagious laughter when I look in the mirror.

Remember when we were sad or bored even, we used to have fake laughing competitions. Who could do the most ridiculous, loudest and annoying laugh. Every time we played we never got far because our mood would lift and soon enough we were laughing for real.

Remember how shaun used to shake his head because he just didn’t get it, he thought we were being weird. We were weird. I am weird. Weird and alone.

Hey guess what? The tears have stopped. 

I couldn’t stop crying and screaming for thinking about you. When I started this post I was letting tears roll onto the keyboard. 

I was lost and hurting so much then Jaymi told me to write. Now I am almost numb again with a little tingle of warmth for remembering our dumb antics in the laughing competitions.

No doubt the tears will be back again later but for now there is calm.

And breathe.

Thanks Jaymi.

I love you Cerise.

Merry Christmas?


Silence.
Everything and everyone is so quiet now. The rush, panic and noise has all died down.

They say that when someone passes its not who is there before the funeral, or during, its after.

It has been a 2 weeks since you were left to sleep eternally.

Booty and mum have visited you. I am still afraid to go alone. 

The incessant calls, texts and emails have finally stopped. I’m almost happy about it but at the same time annoyed people dare act a certain way leading up to your funeral and then after zip?! It is shocking.

My circle hasn’t changed aka “The usual suspects” they have always been here and thankfully always will be. Janice is still bringing over her home-cooked meals and pastries. You know I will milk her for all she got to give haha, good old Jan. 

Its Christmas Eve Day and it feels like any other day, well almost. Its more just a sad, gloomy day and the British weather is so fitting.

  
Thanks to all the love you left behind, I paid the Funeral Director today with all the generous donations. 

The people I do run into and are unfortunate enough to speak to still don’t know what to say so instead you know what they dare say to me? “Merry Christmas” or “Have a good Christmas”.

Are they serious?

It is Christmas Eve and I woke up alone; without you. 

I woke up and made tea instead of caking on the make up while listening to you waste my damn hot water with your your 2 hour long showers.

I woke up and walked to the kitchen alone instead of jumping on the sofa bed to wake you up because it is Christmas and time to party.

Every year this is the one thing our family get most excited about even more so than the kids because lets face it we are the kids!

I stirred in my milk thinking you should be drinking rum and I should be drinking vodka, we love using christmas eve as an excuse to start drinking “because its Christmas”.

  
Thank the universe (as we both used to love saying) for your chloe, my amy and our sisters who spoil our babies every year because this year I couldn’t even bring myself to shop for one present, not even christmas food. Its just a normal day to me now so what is the point?

What have I got to look forward to? You brought all the good presents anyway?

It is a hard day, going to be a hard evening and tomorrow I will be a wreck having to wake yet again without you.

Without you…Soca won’t sound the same, drinks don’t taste the same, dancing doesn’t feel as good. But I am going to carry on. I have to. You wont let me stop.

You keep pushing me, your my annoying sister like that.

Ever since you went away my landline which has no power keeps on ringing. I know it is you. I miss you too and want you home. I know that is why you are ringing. I know you feel my pain and want to take it away.

  
Christmas will never be the same again without you.

Amarie still cries, its hardest on her this Christmas. What is Christmas to her without games with Aunty C? It’s not the same with me I am just her mum, you were the cool one.

The day is as grey as my mood and I don’t think it is letting up anytime soon.

No one knows, no one understands. I am just that girl with the dead sister now.

Just alone in my heart at Christmas. Waiting for my best friend, my baby sister to come home.

All I want for Christmas is you.