Me and my prince x

One of the symptoms of my depression is insomnia.
Recently I miscalculated the amount of tablets (anti depressants) I had left. Since Monday I have been without medication.

It is amazing yet heartbreaking how reliant I have become on my medication. As soon as I go one night without “popping a pill” for that night and the following day I will not be able to sleep until I get “my next fix”.

I almost feel like a drug addict. Anti depressants can become highly addictive.
I have been feeling so good on them these recent months that I feel I can come off them now, although sadly I understand the reality and that is when I feel this way I still have a little further to go.

There are many downsides to being an insomniac as you can probably imagine. Its almost 3am as I write this very post and I am very much awake.

However the upside? Surprisingly for me personally there is an upside and that is that my son, my mini hero, my prince is wide awake with me.

We share such a bond him and I. Ever since I became an insomniac its like he did too; of course he isn’t really an insomniac, almost 3 years old he has a natural energy all children have.
On nights (or mornings) like this he keeps me company. Huddled on the sofa quietly watching his YT KIDS on his kindle while I watch Netflix well into the wee hours.
Every time I look at him I feel blessed to call him my son and on nights like this even more so because he is so well behaved.

Times like this going into day 3 without medication I try my best to be positive and look on the bright side, its not hard though with a baby boy like mine and it helps my medication will be ready to collect finally later today.

Writing is my fortay…

I’m back because lets face it oral communication has never been a strength of mine and I’m more than ok with that.With writing I can express so much more of what I am feeling and connect to people better too. It is the second year of grief and to my surprise after listening to my much loved friends and strangers too, the grief has not gotten any easier. After research I found I am not alone in my feeling of increased sadness the second year on. 

The first year was in fact the easiest for me for the simple fact I lived in denial the whole year. My heart had over ridden my head the whole year refusing to let my sister go.

However the beginning of this year it finally hit home for me and the pain grew immensely. The pain grew so fast and so heavy I had to have my medication increased twice just to keep me neutral. The good news is now stable on my meds, I feel more like myself than I have since the whole grief started, I would go as far as saying I can’t remember the last time I felt this good.

Another huge help has been from the one only Divya. I’m so grateful that I have this girl by my side. No one will ever replace my sister but this weirdo comes pretty close, hahaha. The love I feel whether I am with her in person or just talking to her on the phone is so great I feel like my sister’s soul shines through her. I don’t remember the last time I have made such a good friend with someone so fast that has lasted past the awkward first hiccups of getting to know one another. I am so happy that despite the ones who left after my grief was too much for them, this girl is still around always bringing me sunshine on cloudy days.​

Divya & I

I am thankful for all my good friends who have survived the hurricane of emotions I have been on, in this journey of grief. It is hard to deal with and so hard to understand unless you have been through it yourself and even then it is different for everyone. 

My news years resolution December 2016 was to honor my sister the way she would have wanted by regaining the woman I was before I lost her. By living life to the fullest the way I did when she was still with me.

Since the beginning of this year I have been going out of my way visiting all the people dearest to me who had supported me through my grief but I had slowly withdrawn from as the grief started to weigh me down.​

Katie and I

I went out of my way to visit the friends that I dont normally get to see because they live far and I dont always have money or time, the list goes on. However in the spirit of me and my sisters favorite motto “life is short” I have been making my rounds up and down London and outside London spreading the love.

Nikko and I

My travelling has been successful in that I found what I was looking for. I was reminded that I enjoying making people happy. I enjoy making people laugh, smile and building them up. I had forgotten how much it makes me smile, how much it makes me feel like me. Most importantly I had forgotten how much love there still is for me even though my sister is no longer here. 

Grief is an old acquaintance…

Trying my best to move on with my life the best way I know how and in a way that would make my sister proud.
I’ve been surviving. I’ve cried less and laughed more than I did in the beginning of the aftermath of losing Cerise.
I’ve been taking my medication to keep my mood neutral if not lifted.
However grief to me personally is like an old acquaintance you can’t stand but keep bumping into on the street.
Grief is like “oh look who it is, and smiling no less; lets fix that”.
Grief is that not so nice friend you see a mile away and hope to avoid but cant so grit your teeth and bare them. Through clenched teeth you say “oh hello how nice to see you” when really your thinking “Fuck me! You again?!”
Just when I thought it was gone, just when I thought I was ok, just when I thought I was piecing my life back together; grief turns up with a sledge hammer to knock me right back down again.
23 years old, thats how old she would’ve been next month.
The pain doesn’t get any less, it doesn’t get smaller, lighter or easier to deal with. Sometimes on “good days”, “lucky days” the pain hides, burrows deep inside almost like it festers inside you building up the way anger does only it hurts far worse than anger. It waits until your alone, vulnerable, in solace. It creeps up on you; jumps out of the dark like the “boogeyman” and surprises you and whispers eerily in your ear “I’m back!”.
Then the tears start and suddenly your swimming in a sea of your own pain, drowning waiting for someone, anyone to help you but of course the one you really want can’t help you because they are already gone.
So you cry some more and wait until the wave passes, until even grief your not so nice friend; has had enough and scurries back to the dark place it came from.
Thats what I did last night. I cried myself to sleep as I yearned to plan my sister’s birthday with her like we used to. Yearned to see her smile again. Desperate to share a laugh with her again.
I cried. Took a deep breath and remembered this is my life now.
I must push on no matter what in the hopes that one day she and I will meet again.