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Insomnia


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Me and my prince x

One of the symptoms of my depression is insomnia.
Recently I miscalculated the amount of tablets (anti depressants) I had left. Since Monday I have been without medication.

It is amazing yet heartbreaking how reliant I have become on my medication. As soon as I go one night without “popping a pill” for that night and the following day I will not be able to sleep until I get “my next fix”.

I almost feel like a drug addict. Anti depressants can become highly addictive.
I have been feeling so good on them these recent months that I feel I can come off them now, although sadly I understand the reality and that is when I feel this way I still have a little further to go.

There are many downsides to being an insomniac as you can probably imagine. Its almost 3am as I write this very post and I am very much awake.

However the upside? Surprisingly for me personally there is an upside and that is that my son, my mini hero, my prince is wide awake with me.

We share such a bond him and I. Ever since I became an insomniac its like he did too; of course he isn’t really an insomniac, almost 3 years old he has a natural energy all children have.
On nights (or mornings) like this he keeps me company. Huddled on the sofa quietly watching his YT KIDS on his kindle while I watch Netflix well into the wee hours.
Every time I look at him I feel blessed to call him my son and on nights like this even more so because he is so well behaved.

Times like this going into day 3 without medication I try my best to be positive and look on the bright side, its not hard though with a baby boy like mine and it helps my medication will be ready to collect finally later today.

You will be tested repeatedly until you learn the lesson intended!


 I saw this post on Instagram. I love posts that make you think. 

This one spoke to me because something recently happened to me the weekend just gone that made my husband question me in a similar fashion to this post.

He was upset about what happened and asked me if I was angered or upset by this particular incident.

I will not be going into detail about what happened (I know so unlike me hahahaha) but I will say the reason I was unaffected by what happened.

I’ve reached a point in my life where most people and most situations can’t effect me negatively. Too much has happened in my life to let the negative actions and behaviour of others bring me down.

I know that I am responsible for my own happiness and in knowing this not only does it give me a great sense of strength it has helped me grow immensely.

Not so many years ago I would have let the situation make me angry, bitter, resentful but not anymore. I gave myself roughly 5 minutes maybe less to mourn the experience or to let out the anger then I put all the negative energy in a balloon and let it go (one of my favourite metaphors and favourite things to do when im angry). 

Once that balloon was gone, so where all the emotions inside it. It was that easy. Granted it wasn’t always that easy it took years of training but was certainly worth it.

Thankfully no longer the “victim” of my own circumstances or life, this “victor” always has a plan b and the weekend turned into the perfect weekend filled with such love, laughter and happiness that I forgot to write this post until I was reminded this morning by that very Instagram post.

Every day I’m tested by something or someone new and finally after years of losing, I’m winning! They say the universe will repeatedly put us in the same situation or will give us the same test over and over again until we finally learn the lesson intended.

Needless to say…lesson learnt!