Grief is an old acquaintance…

Trying my best to move on with my life the best way I know how and in a way that would make my sister proud.
I’ve been surviving. I’ve cried less and laughed more than I did in the beginning of the aftermath of losing Cerise.
I’ve been taking my medication to keep my mood neutral if not lifted.
However grief to me personally is like an old acquaintance you can’t stand but keep bumping into on the street.
Grief is like “oh look who it is, and smiling no less; lets fix that”.
Grief is that not so nice friend you see a mile away and hope to avoid but cant so grit your teeth and bare them. Through clenched teeth you say “oh hello how nice to see you” when really your thinking “Fuck me! You again?!”
Just when I thought it was gone, just when I thought I was ok, just when I thought I was piecing my life back together; grief turns up with a sledge hammer to knock me right back down again.
23 years old, thats how old she would’ve been next month.
The pain doesn’t get any less, it doesn’t get smaller, lighter or easier to deal with. Sometimes on “good days”, “lucky days” the pain hides, burrows deep inside almost like it festers inside you building up the way anger does only it hurts far worse than anger. It waits until your alone, vulnerable, in solace. It creeps up on you; jumps out of the dark like the “boogeyman” and surprises you and whispers eerily in your ear “I’m back!”.
Then the tears start and suddenly your swimming in a sea of your own pain, drowning waiting for someone, anyone to help you but of course the one you really want can’t help you because they are already gone.
So you cry some more and wait until the wave passes, until even grief your not so nice friend; has had enough and scurries back to the dark place it came from.
Thats what I did last night. I cried myself to sleep as I yearned to plan my sister’s birthday with her like we used to. Yearned to see her smile again. Desperate to share a laugh with her again.
I cried. Took a deep breath and remembered this is my life now.
I must push on no matter what in the hopes that one day she and I will meet again.


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