Waking up in an anxiety attack most mornings seem to be my regular way of waking these days.
Tight chest, tight throat, trying hard to breathe yet at the same time wanting to give up and give in because maybe just maybe if I let to and give in I could be with you.
Ahhhh these tears each morning seem to be my form of a shower each morning too that go hand in hand with the anxiety, PTSD and racing thoughts.
It is catching up with me, and weighing heavy on my heart.
In just 10 days time it will be the anniversary of the last time we danced together, to “hotling bling” at Club K in Hounslow.
It was halloween and although Katie and I complained about our surroundings and your choice of club we had such a good time, we always did with you.
I remember when we were ready to go, but I stamped my foot like the brat I am and said “were not going until we dance to hotline bling!” It was still new then and “all the rage”. You laughed at my childish ways as usual and said “ok”.
When it came on we smiled and joked around trying to copy the moves from video.
Just as it was ending your Chloe turned up but you sadly hugged her goodbye as we had been in the club since opening hours and had, had enough after 5 or 6 hours.
You picked the club for Tasha’s birthday but she was so drunk by the time she and Chez arrived she could barely enjoy it, I bet she barely remembers it hahahaha.
That was also the last time we hung out as a big group. The night before; you, me, Tasha, Chez, Janice, Chloe and Amy had all been out drinking in weatherspoons trying decide how best to celebrate Tasha’s birthday.
Katie and I teased you all the way back to your car about how you could bring us to a ghetto club in Hounslow. “ALRIGHT!” You said as you had, had enough of the teasing but never one to be angry at me or Katie you still stiffled a giggle afterwards.
That was the last time we officially spent time together doing what we loved the most, enjoying a drink, a dance and chuckles.
Ever since you left for heaven and I hear “Hotline Bling” I either smile hard or burst into tears for the very reasons I have mentioned. It makes me think of you and our time together.
The new love of my life Divya who you sent to me told me recently even if I don’t understand my actions or remember certain things, my body does. She said her body remembers and reacts to certain events and anniversaries. I didn’t understand until this morning when I woke up with a lump in my throat and what felt like bricks on my heart. My body knows our last halloween spent together is coming up.
It was hard to finally put these pictures up. Originally I didnt put them up because my camera game was weak that night, we joked it was because there was nothing to take photos of (the club decorations were the worse but gave us the most laughs).
Putting these up are so painful and as I type I try to tame the anxiety and tears that come with posting them. Our last “usie”.
Breaks my heart all over again. Miss you so much. My everything.