Its always the one you least expect…

I am so grateful for the good friends that I have.
I can’t believe the anniversary of my sister passing is fast approaching and if it weren’t through the love and support of my closest friends and family I honestly wouldn’t have pushed through.

I am not going to lie some people have really surprised me. In the most beautiful and loving of ways.

For instance ‘My friend Chloe’.

Chloe & I

It has taken me quite sometime to call Chloe my friend. I have known her for more than 5 years now and we have always got along. We have always had a laugh. She has always been kind to me, we have hung out on many occasions, clubbed together, chilled together and even been on holiday together. Yet somehow I always found it hard to say the words “My friend” concerning Chloe.

The reason being I met her through one of my sisters. So whenever I would lovingly speak of her I would always describe her or even introduce her as “my sisters friend’. I have even done it numerous times here on my blog.

Chloe, My sister Cheryl & I

However it suddenly hit me one afternoon while I was reflecting on the past year of events that Chloe is one of my closest friends. She isn’t just my sister’s friend, she is a genuine friend of mine.I guess with everything I have been through especially with ‘so-called friends’ it was hard to admit what was right before me the whole time.

What made things even more apparent is how much Chloe has been here for me not just this past year but always.

Cerise & Chloe

Although Cerise and I knew Chloe was Cheryl’s best friend we would joke she was in fact Cerise’s best friend as them two were always seen to be chatting incessantly like they were in their own world together, had the most “selfies” together and always ignored the rest of the group when we were out. But I was never jealous of Cerise and Chloe because, Chloe’s sister Amy is “my wife” and we have our thing (lol).

Me & Amy

However as I was reflecting on this past year and the blur of faces that have come and gone with empty promises and gestures, Chloe has remained true not only to her word and to me but to herself and I love that quality in her.

Chloe & Cerise

Although like the rest of the world she has her own problems, her own life to deal with she has made a remarkable balance of juggling being a friend to me, an aunt to my children and all the other roles she so graciously carries out when she is not with me.

My daughter and Chloe. one of the many occassions she has taken her out for the day.

So many people said they would be here for me when Cerise left this earth but not many acted upon those words. I am not judging or pointing fingers.

Chloe & my son. One of their many bonding sessions.

I know for whatever reasons it has probably not been possible to act on the promises made. I am just making it a point to address who has been here. I don’t know if they meant well and forgot, was offering sympathetic words for the sake of it or just down right broke their promise all I know is before Chloe even said anything she had already contributed to paying for Cerise’s funeral, made me horrible food (she can’t cook! Kidding!!) but she made me multiple dishes when I could barely look after myself let alone my family when everything was still so raw, she would constantly check in with me via text messages or late night phone conversations; the best part not in an invasive or forceful way, she took my children out regularly and became a sounding board for my daughter who had lost her best friend in Cerise and desperately needed another “cool adult chick/Aunty” to look up too, helped me with school runs, treated me to lunches, (thankfully because she cant cook! Sorry I am joking…kinda ahahaha) unknowingly reminded me of who I am and who I still can be .

These are just a few of the things she has done for me and yet only recently had it occurred to me that she is one of my very special friends. Not just my sister’s friend she is my friend also.

Cerise, me & Chloe

I don’t know why but she was one of the people that surprised me, she was one of the people I least expected to step up in my time of immense pain. Yet here she is and here she has always been it just unfortunately took my sister’s passing to realise that.

I love you so much Chloe that I am now holding back tears as i finish up this piece. I wanted to write this to let you know I am so grateful for everything you have done since Cerise left and I am so happy you are in my life.

I am so blessed to call you MY friend.

I am so happy to have you in my children’s life. I am so glad that I and they can depend on you. I am so happy you have never lied to me, judged me or treated me less than I deserve.

I want to thank you despite not being myself, being broken and all over the place with my roller coaster emotions, medication changes, down days, tears and tantrums that you are still hear, still MY friend, still true, still beautiful, still keeping your promise still helping to hold me and my family together through your love and light.

You are truly an angel.

Even if our friendship doesn’t last forever I will never forget everything you have done for me and my family.

Karptie, Chloe & Cerise

I also want to say a special thank you to Isis who I invited out on a night out with my mum and her friend last night. We danced the night away. Although Isis is my God-Sister we have never really spent anytime together as adults.

Me & Isis

She is another beautiful, strong, woman who has been there for me through everything I have been unfortunately going through and it surprised me also in the most beautiful way.

She too has been going through her own inner turmoil yet not at any point did she let that stop her from checking on me, seeing if I was OK, making promises that she has undoubtedly kept by being there whenever I have needed an ear or shoulder.

She is remarkable in so many ways I can only hope our friendship and bond increase over time and I can somehow repay her for all she has inadvertently helped me with.

I would also like to thank Etta one of “Cerise’s friends” who again is someone who has constantly been here for me since losing Cerise. Never pushing for information, never judging me but always being open and honest enough to make me feel at ease.

Day with Etta and kids

She invited me into her family home, I met her children, she met mine and I truly adore her.

Always a snapchat or whatsapp away she never ignores me and always handles me and my feelings with care.

Etta and I

Another person who has helped me in so many ways without her even realising.

There are so many of these people in my life that only now as clarity kicks in and the anniversary of Cerise’s passing arrives; that I am truly grateful for.

Mummy, Dad, Eroll, Vadz, Jasmine, Janice (insert eye roll lol), Katie, Bilen, Laura, Carol, Simone, Shayna, Jaymi, Caz, Jodan, Angel, Juicy Lucie, Div, Vidya, Priya, Kaye Lena-Louise, Ari Metos, Christal, Jada, Shinel, Claire…the list goes on.

So many of you that I can’t even mention because this post would turn into a list of names as long as the ones at the beginning of the bible lol. 

Hopefully you all know who you are. I know it may sound stupid to you guys but I am the kind of person that has to show and verbalise her gratitude because life is too short not too. To let you all go on wondering “Was she grateful?’, “Does she know I am her friend?” “Is she okay?”.

I am the kind of person that thrives off making other people happy by spreading my love and light as far and as long as possible.

I need my people, my support system, my friends, my family to know how and why I feel the way I do; and for me as most of you know even though to a select few I can verbalise it orally, my platform is through written word. So thank you I love you all.


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