A year ago today you were still here…


A memory came up on facebook. The last time we ran for charity. The last time I will do race for life with my sister. 
As I look at the photo I can recall all the special moments of that day.

I remember waking you up. You looking like crap and me telling you “you look like shit” and us laughing. 

You raiding my wardrobe desperately looking for some last minute pink because this year we couldn’t decide on a costume and then ran out of time, so last minute wardrobe change to the rescue! 

I remember asking you if you were going to do your face, you blowing your nose and itching your eyes telling me your allergies were playing up again because of my stuffy flat. You said “f&@* it I’m not wearing make up today its only race for life, its hot, were gonna sweat and no one will notice anyway” and we laughed again.

I remember taking the pictures and laughing. I remember posing with you and feeling so happy, so joyous. 

A year ago today…


I remember feeling excited that I got to spend all this time with you alone, my favourite thing to do in the whole world. Being with you. Laughing and joking. Even the moments where there was silence (rare) I loved those too because I was with you.

We have always been so unfit. We tried to run the last 100 metres and was puffing like we had run the whole thing backward, on our hands! We ran about what? 25 ft? Then stopped and laughed at how pathetic we were. Then came the last 50ft you waved at me and said “bye bitch” and ran to the finish line you sneaky cow. It was ok though I walked proudly behind and caught up eventually.

I remember us looking for our medals in our goody bags we were so happy they had designed dog tags that year, we said we were going to wear them everywhere proudly.

We had finished the race earlier than any other time we had participated. We were so proud. To celebrate and according to tradition we went to get our “big tasty” at McDonalds straight after but to our shock and horror that year it wasn’t even on the menu. Our faces as we held up the queue you think we had witnessed a crime (To us it was a bloody crime!). We were so surprised. We wanted to kick up a fuss. We were like “well what are we supposed to eat now?” We kept looking at each other in disbelief.

We finally settled on something and sat down to eat.

It was a great day. It always was with you.

Like I say I remember that day, I remember it as clear as yesterday. Yet somehow when I look at the photographs I feel nothing. I look at our smiling faces and don’t recognise either of us. 

For neither of those girls exist anymore. I will never smile the way I smiled with you, laugh the way I laughed or feel so full of joy again the way I did with you.

I just look at these photos waiting for those girls to return but I know its not even a possibility and that hurts so much.

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