Saturday night was Hayley’s Birthday celebration meal.

Hayley & I

On the way I started to become anxious and I felt like I was going to burst into tears on the bus. I wanted to turn around but I was on the 607 express and already halfway to my destination.

I couldn’t breathe, I started getting all hot, gripping my bag trying so hard not to scream. I wanted to vomit as images surrounding your death replayed in my mind.

Then suddenly Daniel Bedingfield ‘I gotta get through this’ played on my phone, one of our favourite songs.

I just gotta get through this,

I just gotta get through this

I gotta get through this,

I gotta get through this,

I gotta make it, gonna make, gonna make it through

Said I’m gonna get through this,

I’m gonna get through this,

I gotta take, gotta take my mind off you…

As I listened it hurt even more. Then I passed a tall ‘Metro’ sign all brand new at the End of Southall beginning of Hayes. Coincidence that, that was your last job before you passed? And then it started to rain; which mum has always said is a blessing from heaven.

After all those things put together I realised you were with me again trying to tell me something.

I messaged a friend and he said “signs mean your on the right path of life and she’s comforting you right now…how close you 2 are her soul is still around you”.

That made a tear bubble so close it threatened to fall. But I pushed it back with all my might and smiled through the pain because even though that comment was beautiful and comforting it also saddened me because your not physically here and I still cant get over that fact.

I managed to get through dinner without tears knowing you had sent me signs

The next day I downloaded a new book to read to help with my grief. I am fascinated with all the signs you have been sending since you left this physical plane. ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul: Messages from Heaven’ is what I am reading alongside a few other books to help with my grief. It is extraordinary and each story within the book gives me chills and brings me feeling closer to you. It makes me feel even more close to you; reading that like me other people have had such experiences and more.

And then you came to me in a dream last night. It is always so good to see you. I won’t go into what was said in this particular one its too personal but I am so glad you came. Always when I am in the most emotional pain.

The books I have been reading all say children are the ones that are most open to spirits. Ever since you passed and even before that Amarie has dreamt of you.

Even before you passed she had dreams of you saying goodbye. When you went missing she told her dad that she already knew you wouldn’t be returning because she had dreamt you had passed away.

Cerise & Amarie; you were always so close

She dreamt of you the other night.

She said you met in an all bright white room. You wore a white dress and white glasses and your head was freshly shaven.

She said you asked how she was, and she replied she was fine and she told you how much she missed you. She said you told her that you have been watching us all and have seen us all missing you and that you missed us too.

You told ama to do well in school.

She also reminded her of the picture she once drew for Ama that she still hasn’t been completed. She told ama to find the picture and to finish it for her she wants to see what ama can do to make it better.

Then there were flashes of brightly coloured lights everywhere and your name ‘CERISE’ appeared in big letters. Then the room went pitch black and you disappeared.

She had a dream previous to that also where she asked you not to go, you held out your hands to her and every time she went to hug you, you disappeared and kept reappearing further and further away trying to hug her.

We miss you so much

Love really does transcend across time, space and the after life.


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