Giving up & Giving in

The stats show you guys are constantly checking my page for new material. It surprises me to say the least.

I have given up on humanity. A natural optimist I have let people beat me down and force me to join the land of pessimists.

My mum has always said I have a big heart and too often I manage to see the good in people where most would write them off.

The truth is that stranger who quickly became my friend (and I now use that term loosely) really hurt me by walking away, taking a step back, blocking me out of her life after my grieving process was no longer “cool” and things turned dark and “got real”.

After that post about her I got an overflow of emails, texts, snapchats; you name it telling me “her loss”, “she’s a fake b*^%#”, “she isn’t worth it”, “she was in it for the glory”. As much as I appreciated the love and support I was and still in very much pain. Pain made worse by the fact I cant go and whine to my baby sister who would throw her head back and laugh, who would offer me a bottle not a glass of Rośe and tell me to forget about it. 

yuuum white zifandel aka my fav rośe

I have mostly wonderful friends and great family but it will never be enough because now my soulmate is no longer physically here. 

Furthermore to that I have other people who I once knew convince me what happened to my sister is my karma (as if the thought hadn’t already crossed my mind), convince me and try and convince others that I am a bad person therefore I deserve this and the windfall that comes with and after it.

I’ve had people roll their eyes at the mere sound of me bringing up my sisters name yet again, backs physically turned on me and noses turned up.

People are so sick of my grief. I am so sick of people. 

I am sick of my grief too! Do they not think that I don’t want to be stuck in this place called grief? Do they think I enjoy being the victim of a crime? Do they think I am putting it on?

I don’t know because these people are brave and rude enough to physically shun me me yet not as brave to be truthful enough to tell me why. 

I could do with taking a shot right now!

Cowards. Pitiful people. They pity me but I pity them even more so. 

It wasn’t enough that I was robbed of my sister, wasn’t enough that part of me died and my whole being is now mostly so lost, it wasn’t enough that my family has been through this big thing and are all hurting.

No! They thought let me see what happens when I push her to the edge?

Hell if there was a ledge or a cliff they are the kind that would push me right off without a second thought. 

This is where I am at the moment. I mostly replay the events surrounding my sisters death, replay the horrible people I have allowed in because of my grief, replayed how they have treated me disgustingly and skipped away happy and smiling, constantly contemplating suicide to the point I have now been forced to be reassessed for medication. 

Blaming myself for her death, excepting God took her to teach me a lesson, took her because I am or was a unashamed sinner just living my life almost recklessly in the name of “fun” buying my ticket to eternal torment when I bypass heaven and my sister and go straight to hell. God did this to make me pay attention. To remind me he is all powerful, to remind me “what he giveth, he taketh” I understand now.

I was robbed of my life when Cerise’s ended thats what it feels like. Robbed of my passion for writing, crippled in my PTSD because what these people keep doing to me.

I had been to the doctor again recently. I had been in 7 weeks of extreme pain. 

The doctor told me I had injured my coccyx aka my tailbone. She said I had either had a hard fall or it can happen when you sit at a desk 8 hours a day. I didn’t do either. I told her of my grief and we worked out that I have been so depressed that excluding school run I have stopped being as physical as usual. I stopped taking my son playgroups, I stopped dancing, I stopped exercising. I mainly did nothing. 

Trapped in my grief and despair I was not only emotionally in pain I was now physically in pain too. 

However relaxing back into yoga and a good night out “shaking my tailbone” I am physically repairing and able to actually sit in a position longer than 15 mins. 

(Giving that coccyx a work out lol)

The more I relax the more I hear and feel Cerise, the more I take on her mannerisms and feel comforted by it.

Then the most beautiful thing happened last night a graphic designer who goes by the name ‘RXIII‘ on instagram reached out to me with a beautiful picture he made of Cerise and words of encouragement regarding my blog and to keep writing. Dammit Cerise you just wont give it up will you? Sending a messenger in form of this artist?

I stared at the pic all night until I fell asleep and heard Cerise call my name. 


3 thoughts on “Giving up & Giving in

  1. Grief has its own timeline and everyone’s experience or process is different. People get impatient with us, the grievers, I think because it makes them uncomfortable or they just don’t want us to be sad anymore. People in my life seem to think I should just be suddenly okay. But we can’t just stop grieving. We can’t just not be sad! It’s not realistic or healthy and I don’t know why people expect that. Grief takes its time and I think we have to honor it, honor ourselves, honor what we’ve lost. We will be okay eventually, though the loss will always be there, and it just takes its own time. Sending you lots of support! Keep shaking your tailbone!


    • Thank you so much for your message its very comforting and made me smile. I think your right people do get uncomfortable and dont want us to be sad anymore but it doesnt hurt any less you know? Yh I feel like its going to be a long drawn out process and it will be interesting to see who is left. Thanks so much for your support sending you the same and I am sorry for your loss. Xx


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