Notice; I am STILL Grieving


I am grieving.

I am a griever. I lost what felt like my whole world when I lost my sister.
I put on a brave face and act one dimensional in certain people’s presence because I know what they expect.
They are made to feel at ease with my smile and thats when they forget that inside I am broken.
Some complain I am closed off. Some are right. I was afraid to be open for fear of the consequence that recently presented itself.
I opened up. I let the “madness” of my thoughts tumble out of my head like a volcano that had been desperate to erupt. Just like hot lava my thoughts made that person run a mile and now I feel even more worthless, confused and in more pain than when this all started.
I was prepared for losing people due to my grief and due to my depression but never could I have guessed it would be the person that so gladly walked then ran away from me.
Never could I have imagined that this person would entice me with their words, trick me with their actions and then leave me when things suddenly got real.

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The words of a beautiful soul…or so I thought. 

I thought I could spot phoneys but either I am getting dumber or they are getting more clever with their disguises?
Or of course my grief is so blinding and I am so lost like I admitted in the previous post that I cant see what is right before my eyes.
I am not perfect. I am not always at 100%. I am not always feeling “normal”. Sometimes I just want to be my miserable self and have people be ok with that because I am grieving.
I just want to be loved. I just don’t want to feel constantly lonely inside.
I know I am asking a lot.
Without my sister I will constantly have this void in my heart forever. But please don’t play with my emotions. Don’t say you will be there if you can’t. Don’t tell me your willing to be here to walk me through this until I get to the other side if you have no intention of even putting on your shoes.
I didn’t ask to be your responsibility. You chose to tell me you love me and you chose to be my shoulder to cry on.
Now that I spiral down deeper into my grief and unintentionally push you away; you hop, skip and run because its convenient for you.
You say you don’t want to hurt people. Well you hurt me. You have added to my pain.
I know I might seem crazy. People hear the word “manic depressive” or “bi polar” and think “yep another one from crazy town”.
I am not crazy. I am depressed and grieving my sister. Thanks to you I am now mourning and grieving our friendship too.
I don’t hate you though. Rest assured I am just disappointed in you.
I have learned a valuable lesson though.

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This lovely girl also reinforced what I thought…people should not take on what they only THINK they can handle.

I learned just because I am grieving it doesn’t stop people acting fake or phoney. People will still enjoy kicking you while you are already down.
The lesson you should learn is when someone tells you their intention to leave this life because of all the pain they are in, you don’t block them and hope for the best.
Unfortunately for you I am still here.

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I am still here and grateful that this lovely is still here for me too. 

Well rested. Stronger. You tried your best to break and humiliate me but I am still here.
I survived my 48 hour hysteria, I lived to tell this tell and to warn others that even in grief you cant always trust the people who claim to care about you.
Be careful of the wolves in sheeps clothing.

~What doesnt kill me, makes me stronger~

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