Feel like everyone is out to get me. It is true my paranoia has grown immensely since you have gone.

It is hard to trust people without you to guide me.

It used to be so simple.

I would be like “Can I trust them?” And you would reply “Nope she’s a bitch/ he’s a fool”. Now I am just lost. 

Should I trust no one or trust everyone?

I want to say I go with the flow but it doesn’t feel that way. 

Seems simple enough for anyone else but for me I am in zombie mode where I just walk around with no particular emotions following the crowd. If they smile, I smile too. They laugh? Me too. They tell me they trust me I mirror them and say “yeah I trust you too”.

I feel imprisoned in my own mind. Trapped. 

I cant love the same, think the same, be the same.

I will never love anyone as much as I love you and thats what hurts the most. 

I cling and leech off of the nearest person hoping they will love me as much as you did, hoping I can love them, but its always temporary. I will never even come close to having what I had with you. 

Remember how we used to compete for mums affection? I’d tell you I was the favourite because I’m the pretty one and you were trash because your were the ugly one ahahaha. You’d argue you were the favourite because mum always called you her “baby” then I would reply “yeah well, pfft, cha” and then we would just crack up laughing. 


smug look on your face sitting next to mum lol

Wish you were here being the favourite. I wouldn’t care if I was outcast and disowned for you to be the favourite. All I would care about is you being here. Smiling, laughing being dumb.

You were so dumb. I would make up stupid stories and get you hooked because you could never tell whether I was being sarcastic, joking or being real.

On holiday I told you I had to come clean about a secret I had been keeping from you and everyone for years. I told you it was about my hands. At this point you started staring at my hands. Then I said in a serious tone “they are not my real hands” you replied “what do you mean?” So I said “I had a hand transplant years ago, look..” I started moving my hands in circular motions.  


Holiday Grins

We looked into each others eyes and started to crack up laughing. You called me an idiot and I asked “why would you believe such foolishness anyway?”

Ahahaha. Only you and your dumbass would believe whatever came out of my mouth. 

“But you were being so serious” you said between loud roars of laughter.

I miss you, my little idiot. Remember when I replayed that story to everyone at dinner and they didn’t get it, you still laughed and thats all I ever needed. You laughing like I was the funniest comedian in the world.


One thought on “Paranoid

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