Another Sunday..


So thats your birthday done, mothers day too. How much more pain can this family endure?

There were celebrations on your birthday even though it pained me to attend I tried my very best to smile and join in because I know how much you hate to see me cry.

Everyone assures me that things will get better but how do they know that?

 Because they lost someone and it was sad and now they feel better?

Well good for them but everyone grieves differently and everyone is effected differently.

Whenever I get a piercing I scream and sometimes you might catch a tear. Piercings hurt me. When I get tattoos done they feel so relaxing I love the sensations of the needles shading my skin. You ask anyone else if they feel like this guaranteed you will get a variety of different answers. 

We are all alike but all so different so I don’t want to hear it gets better.

I have years (I can only assume) to live without you. When will it get better? Next week? Next year? In a few years?

I don’t think it will ever get better. Divya already told me it won’t and I accept that. It has been 6 years for her and she is still in pain. I will live my life of course I have to but inside I will always feel alone in my heart; missing you.
Mothers day was so morbid for every text and message mum got I felt such sorrow. “Happy Mother’s Day” how could she possibly be happy on such a day. I kept thinking wow she is celebrating mothers day with one less child I can’t imagine the pain she must be feeling.

Mum keeps telling me she feels like she has let us all down with you being gone. I feel it too. I was your oldest sister. I would have gladly dy died for you and still would. I was the eldest I should have been able to protect you, save you. Although I have never been in a single fight in my life so far I would have gladly got physical for you. Hurt someone, kill even; for you. But I didn’t. I wasn’t there and I have to carry that around with me every second of every day. 

We talked about you. About what you would be doing on Mother’s Day. We stayed in the living room and every time I turned my head towards your bedroom my heart ached. 

I wanted to see you in there. Soundly sleeping like the lazy bum you were. But instead your sleeping in heaven.

Mother’s day was crap. I waited for the postman to delivery my big card from you but of course it never arrived. 

I should have been happy with my babies, our babies but every time I looked at them I missed you more because you should have been with us. You should have been here giving Amarie piggy backs down the corridor of our flat screaming loudly being the big kid you were. You should have been chasing Sj around making him smile his big wide grin and looking at you funny I don’t think he ever saw you as normal, your weirdo. 
It’s Sunday again and I am crying my eyes and heart out because its yet another Sunday without you here in my bed watching cartoons and horrors with me. I still haven’t watched the little mermaid since you have gone. Its just too painful. I realise I cant be a big kid anymore. I am forced to be the adult I am because I have no excuses now. I have to be a grown up. 

 

Tasha, Me, Cheryl & You

 
I went out this weekend it was hard hearing your songs in the club. I had a lump in my throat each time. However Cheryl & Tasha were with me. I make sure to keep our sister pact going because they are keeping me stronger than they realise. 

 

Cheryl, Me, You, Tasha; group shots are weird without you

 
The first night we went out I cried all my make up off trying to get ready. I cried because when I thought I was ready I suddenly wanted to phone you and ask if your face was on yet and if you were on the way to mine. Looking at my reflection I wanted to smash the mirror. I hate looking at myself without you by my side. Hate looking at myself without you picking on me for my “old skool” clothes choices and “picky hair”.

 

Me & You

 
If my friend hadn’t pulled me together on the phone I wouldn’t have just stayed home crying, I would have just attempted to end my life right there and then. But she let me cry and then she gave me a boost and started again. I reapplied my make up and waited for our sisters to turn up then all was just about ok again. 

 The second night I went out I couldn’t stay in and get ready by myself for a repeat performance so I went to a friend’s and got ready there with a few glasses of wine and “girl talk” I was alot more relaxed and ready to meet our sisters, for our other sister Vad’s Birthday. 

This time I enjoyed myself even more.  

you were dancing with me in spirit

 

Even more of your tunes were played but this time you were there with me so I was fine. Something about being more relaxed and opened to your energy before leaving for the club meant I felt you when I was dancing again. There were tears on a break from the dance floor, they were brief and brought me down for a moment until I met you back upstairs inside the club on the dancefloor. 

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