I am still waiting…


My mind refuses to acknowledge your passing. My body accepts it because I can not physically hug you anymore, touch you lovingly, playfully. My mind is ripping apart trying to process the information but it just wont stick. I tell my brain that you are no longer here. It registers for a moment and then not? It just wont accept it. 

My mind rejects the even mere thought of you not being here. My mind is confused. My mind won’t give up. I am in this constant battle.

“Cerise is gone” I tell myself but my brain tells me “Look out the window, wait a little longer she is coming home”.

I am insane. I must be insane. What is wrong with me?

It is getting harder and harder to stay here, to stay in one piece. Nothing is important to me anymore, no one is important. Just you.

I want to go over mums house and hit you in the head to wake you up, or plank on you when your trying to sleep and get rest for work because you know how I like to annoy the hell out of you.

Hell.

I am still in Hell while you look down on me from Heaven.

Feel good? Your officially the bigger sister looking down on me.

It hurts all the time. So much pain. One extreme to the other. Its either extreme pain that is so unbearable that even focusing on trying to breathe is a chore or nothing; just complete numbness with a fake smile on top.

I cant deal.

These last few days have been rough.

Fighting for you. Liaising with people trying to get things done while all the while I am battling my demons within.

I know I am loved. I know I have people but in those deep darkest moments when I am alone I have to fight everything inside me not to give up and join you.

What is this life without you? Nothing.

I know I should be grateful I have so many blessings; so many things to live for but I can’t.

Loosing you is loosing everything. 

The grief is so much. It gets heavier everyday. Its beating me down. Pulling me apart. Dragging me. Burning me. Sucking the life and soul out of me.

I want to be the same but I am not. I won’t be.

I hate you. Why couldn’t you have been the miracle? Why couldn’t you have lived? I hate me. Why couldn’t I save your life.

I hate the universe. Why did the universe do this to me. Why did the Universe take you away from me? Why? Why? Why? Endless “Why’s”

I cried on the bus again all the way from Asda to home. Man Asda without you is getting really depressing. I cried on my neighbours shoulder when I got home. Then I cried some more when she left and screamed, and moaned and contemplated suicide.

Sj cried too. He hates seeing mummy cry. I hate having him see mummy cry too.

What is the point in getting answers? Juicy was right when she said it is not going to bring you back. What is the point in staying here anyway? We are all going to die some day you proved that, so why wait? I live for you, but living for you is lonely and painful. Why should I be here if I don’t have to be?

Your still echoing in my head. Whispers when I make tea, whispers when I dance, whispers and that contagious laughter when I look in the mirror.

Remember when we were sad or bored even, we used to have fake laughing competitions. Who could do the most ridiculous, loudest and annoying laugh. Every time we played we never got far because our mood would lift and soon enough we were laughing for real.

Remember how shaun used to shake his head because he just didn’t get it, he thought we were being weird. We were weird. I am weird. Weird and alone.

Hey guess what? The tears have stopped. 

I couldn’t stop crying and screaming for thinking about you. When I started this post I was letting tears roll onto the keyboard. 

I was lost and hurting so much then Jaymi told me to write. Now I am almost numb again with a little tingle of warmth for remembering our dumb antics in the laughing competitions.

No doubt the tears will be back again later but for now there is calm.

And breathe.

Thanks Jaymi.

I love you Cerise.

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