I can’t give up on you doo doo, my Cerise, my everything, my world.I won’t give up on you and now more than ever I know you are not giving up on me either.
I am fighting for you because I feel no one else can and if they cant, I have too!
Everyone is so broken and lost without you.
So am I but the difference is you walk with me.
When your with mum you comfort her the best you can. When you are with me you push me constantly just like you always did in life.
I felt you all weekend as my brain ticked over trying to think about how to take the next step in getting justice for you, how to make you proud.
I constructed some letters and emails and contacted the people I thought might be able to help me in our cause.
Everything up to that moment has been emotionally and mentally draining but for you I would and will do anything.
I saw flickering white lights from the side of my left eye. Everytime I turned to look on the left it wasn’t there and for a moment I thought I was crazy but then I felt you. I paused and the lights flickered and shined again and I embraced it. I wasn’t scared like I admit I was at first and like every other time I have felt you. I know you wanted to be near me so I just let you. So when I turned one more time there the light was, it was beautiful just like you. I smiled and felt a sense of calm come over me for the rest of the evening.
Thats when I suddenly felt the strength everyone has been telling me I had and have.
“I am really really proud of you. I know how crushed you are, and can feel that sometimes you don’t even want to go on.But you fight back the best you can and keep going. Not just for cerise, but for Shaun, the kids, yourself.I am so proud of you xxx”
Mum has told me how proud she is too. Proud of what I am doing for you, proud of my blog, proud of everything I do.
I realised when you came to me that I am proud of me too. I realised I am strong. Strong for the same reason I have always been regardless of you being physically here or not. I am strong because of my sisters. All of my sisters are still here supporting me, loving me and caring for me but most importantly I am strong because of you.
Everything we had been through, everything I had gone through the one constant has always been my sisters. I thank the universe although I sometimes feel away, I thank the universe I still physically have Tasha and Chez with me holding my hand and now I have Evadne too.
When you came to me yesterday I was so happy and felt renewed in strength. Thank you for not giving up on me Cerise.
I was scared I was losing you. Scared I was forgetting you because looking at our physical memories I couldn’t physically recall them. But then I talk about you and I do things that remind me of you. I hear little echoes of your voice (ahhhh so hard to type this with tears in my eyes). My friends remind me how incredible it is to hear stories of you and how I can recall sentences you have said to me. Only then did I realise I am not forgetting you at all and that I carry you in my heart and whole being every single day and I always will.
When you first appeared to me and I felt fear leave me it reminded me of all the times I would hide round corners waiting for ages for you to pass so I could scare you. I remember how shocked you always were, I remember you were shocked and scared but you thought it was hilarious and you would wriggle your ears with delight, your big eyes would sparkle. You always tried to get me back but I said to you I always anticipated your moves. One time you did get me do you remember? You got me good and I didn’t think it was funny and you were like “Now you know how it feels, GOOD! Shame! Shame!” Hahaha oh I miss our stupid times together.