I went to see the doctor recently.
I’ve been suffering. I’ve been in so much pain. The pain is in my heart and my chest.
Remember I said I couldn’t breathe without you? It wasn’t a metaphor.
I cant breathe.
Sometimes when I think of you my heart races so fast I take long deep breaths to try and slow it down to a steady pace.
Sometimes I feel pressure on my chest like someone put a ton of bricks on me and I cant move. So I lay there struggling to breathe in and out.
Then sometimes I just feel like I am suffocating. I feel like there is no air left in my lungs. I try to breathe but I only get short breaths. My oxygen level feels depleted and I am living off a compact tank.
So I went to see the doctors. I thought for sure she would listen to my chest and hear shards of my heart grating against each other, because surely my heart is broken. It surely feels like that. No, she said it was beating just fine. Maybe I had, had another stroke. No it wasn’t that either. Maybe I have asthma? Allergies? The flu?
None of the above.
I finally have a handle on my bi polar after all these years. I know the stressors and how to handle the triggers, I’m still working on my C-PTSD but it is not as bad as it used to be as I learned to avoid the triggers for this too. However I now have another mental affliction; the doctor said I am having panic attacks. Panic attacks since you left me. Anxiety because I miss you, I yearn for you to be with me again.
The other night Amarie returned from school. She was in a foul mood. I remember you always used to phone her when she had a bad day at school. That couldn’t happen this time and she went into a rage. She was so angry and upset that she couldn’t talk to you. She kept screaming ‘WHY’ I tried hard to keep composed as I watched my broken little girl cry for her aunty, her best friend. We always used to say “it doesn’t matter if you have no friends at school because Cerise is your best friend”. I heard her scream “why did you leave me Cerise? Mummy and Daddy are liars, your not gone, you cant be gone”.
I left the doctors unsatisfied. Amarie thinks I am a liar for telling her you are gone, the doctor; she is a liar. I don’t have panic attacks I have a broken heart. I felt glum when I left but then something happened. I looked up to the sky and I saw you in the skyline. It was bright pink. It was the shade of cerise. It was beautiful just like you. I took a deep, long breathe. I breathed you into me. Your never here but at the same time you are always here. I love you. Xx