It’s sibling season! Remember how funny we thought it was how mum managed to have us in January, February & March?!
Junior’s birthday was yesterday. As we always come together to celebrate our birthdays now that you are gone things will not change.
We went to visit you.
I was glad your nephew had fallen asleep because I didn’t want to get out of the car anyway. Seeing your mound of earth with dying flowers and mess all over the place and looking so disorderly it made me think of your room.
I didn’t want to get out and stand by your grave, I let Junior and mum have their time and speak with you.
Even when Sj was knocked out enough for me to remove him from my lap to the car seat to lay down I didn’t budge.
Every time I look at the site where you sleep all I can think about is your beautiful face, beautiful body being in the ground. I see you rotting. I realise your not sleeping. You are dead. I had cried enough that morning and afternoon as it is. I was too drained to let my body feel sorrow again.
God. I feel angry because all I want is you.
The pastor kept saying two is better than one. When one falls the other is there to catch them. I wasn’t there to catch you, and now you are not here to catch me. He was talking about God but of course I only thought of you.
He said people pray in crisis, people pray when it is too late it is true I have seen it. He made me feel like God took you because I didn’t pray.
I felt even more guilty and punished.
Because we believed in the universe and mother nature I am being punished?
I didn’t deserve you.
You were taken from me because I don’t live my life according to some book? Because I live my life my way?
Our cousin found God. He loves him. He believes that pray is working for him and I am happy for him. We all need some sort of peace in our hearts and if thats what brings him comfort then so be it.
He deserves to be happy. He has been tested and put through so much.
That women is still trying to bring him down, trying to destroy him.
She is best friends with Satan now, she must be why else is she so evil?
You know when she found out you had passed she showed him no respect? When she came face to face with me she showed me no respect either. Well I will give her one thing; at least she didn’t try and be fake she never cared for our family anyway.
Hopefully our cousin is in God’s hands now and he will protect him.
Otherwise surely Karma will get her?
Church was painful but none of that matters because no matter what I no you are in heaven and no one can take that away from me.
So I sat in the car and meditated. You know I will back. Its my birthday in 6 days so I will be back to share a drink with you and let you know all the latest gossip.
Speaking of gossip.
Remember we used to have deep conversations in the strangest of places?
I remember one of our favourites were the bus stops with seats around West Acton.
We used to talk about things we didn’t want mum to hear or judge or be upset about.
Remember when I fell in love with a girl for the first time? I started to tell you, but you already knew! You told me I was in love with my best friend.
It is one of my happiest memories because when you said it, you looked me in the eye with the same eyes you had always looked at me with; with love.
Your tone hadn’t changed, your smile hadn’t wavered and your voice didn’t break.
I think I loved you even more that day. I couldn’t have been more proud.
I was so afraid you would look or treat me differently. I wouldn’t be your role model anymore.
Instead you later told me you looked up to me and loved me more for being free and being open. You always admired my big heart even if it always got me into trouble.
Butterfly she is still here. Can you believe she has had another baby?! She’s still beautiful, still a loner and I still love her to the moon and back; always will even though we lead different lives now. She told me she still loves me too and I am glad because too many people give up on love or waste it.
She drives me crazy because she is annoying hahahaha and yes you know I told her that, you know I can rarely control this mouth. She acknowledged it and were still best friends because she knows me so well.
I know because we have been through so much including not talking for a year, I know you will roll your eyes like you always did when I was having some issue with butterfly but then I know you would understand like you always did that I cant help the people that I love and so me and butterfly and close once again.
Another thing I recall on one of our bus stop talks is when I told you even though I had escaped that emotionally abusive friendship with “Jungle Jane” (I know our sisters are gonna read that and laugh just as you are probably laughing in heaven) I decided to befriend her again. Remember how you screamed so loud all the birds flew out of West Acton Park?! That was so funny. Then you wagged your finger in my face so menacingly and told me “No, Noooooo Carley she is bad news”.
It took me 2 years to get out of that friendship. 2 years to walk away from her and on her birthday of all days remember how we laughed about that (we were such mean girls, but she deserved it and more after everything she put me through and even mum!)
Well guess what “Jungle Jane” did when she heard of your passing? She sent mum a long text message about how she is sorry to hear the news and to remind mum she is always there for her like she has always been. What a FAKE BITCH! I so wish you were here! We would laugh our heads off, run out of breath, regain it then laugh even harder! What is wrong with people? How did she even get her number? As psycho and obsessive as she is she probably kept it all these years!
Oh Cerise if only you were here with me, with us right now.
I often think I am being tested but mostly I don’t even care because at the end of the day, end of the test whether I pass or fail I still wont have you.