My nearest and dearest the people I expected to be the closest with, the people I expected I would want to be surrounded by, the people who want to help me through this grief; I feel alienated by them all.
I feel most comfortable with strangers. I have always felt comfy with all types of people you know me Cee, I’m a social butterfly but this situation, you leaving, you being gone changes everything.
I smile when every part of me is in pain. I let everyone lean on me because you know my heart is big enough to encompass the whole world twice.
However I am finding it so hard to naturally flow emotionally with the people I love the most, with the people who love me the most. I want to be open but the words don’t seem to leave my mouth, my arms are open but theres no emotion in my embrace.
Why is it with strangers, acquaintances or frenemies I can speak too or just be?
Why do I feel connections, ties and bonds breaking with all those that I love?
I want to remain close with them all so I keep pushing myself. I force myself to keep interacting. I know if I don’t take care of mum you would never forgive me, if I don’t look out for our brother you will shake your head, if I don’t lend an ear to our cousins you will be giving me the ‘eye’. I am here. I am carrying both mine and your work load I am looking after the family the best I can.
Sometimes I even feel away from my own children. I know its bad but I do. I feel like they aren’t a part of me even though they directly came from me. I feel like they will never be a part of me like you were; like you still are. I love our sisters but without you sometimes I feel like they are just these people in my life, people that have become unstuck because you were our glue.
The days don’t get any easier. Echoes of people saying “it will get easier”, “you will move on” come to mind and I roll my eyes as I try and hold back my rage.
Your Chloe took the kids for the day recently. I had the whole day to myself.
I relaxed all day then to top it off I went to my favourite place, Asda.Then it hit me again. The hot tears started and I scolded myself thinking ‘why now?’
After that the rest of the evening the anger and rage was no longer contained. I keep thinking yet again “why me universe? Why did you take Cerise from me?”
It was like on the weekend previous I visited Asda again and I wanted to walk out. They were playing bashment (one of the reasons me, you and our sisters love Park Royal Asda) and not just any bashment they were playing YOUR song “Rum & Red Bull” and then others you loved too. Was it a sign? Was that you?
Mum and I visited a medium the other day. You know what she told me. You hug mum constantly, but me you rub my hands. This is not common knowledge. Not even Shaun knew this about us. No one understand our ways.
We used to pretend we didn’t love each other. We didn’t always hug especially when one of us was in an emotional state. When I would cry you wouldn’t immediately hug me, you would rub my hands and it would soothe me. When the medium told me you were always with me rubbing my hands I cried because how would she know that unless she was channeling you?