Night time is so painful. 

Sometimes I just lay awake at night, thinking of you.
I sleep in a bed of tears.
Images flashing in my mind, images of you I will never forget.
Haunted by your face. 
Muffled cries into the baby towel you brought Sj.
Most days I hate my life. This is not life. 
I am a walking shell without you. I feel like a nobody. 
I see our photos and the life we once had. It all looks like a pretty great story. 
A story. It doesn’t look like reality to me anymore. 
When you were here we could reminisce about this or that time. Now you are gone all the sensations are gone. I look at a photo and I cant remember how I felt that day we were together, can’t remember what you smelt like that day, felt like. I feel like I made you up. You didn’t exist, you were my imagination.
How must mum feel? Only two children left. It should be a blessing but it must feel like a living curse. She birthed three. Three children. One lived for 21 years then all of a sudden vanished. Did she dream it? 
Is she apart of the elaborate story in my head? Was you a bedtime story she used to tell me to comfort me? Did she tell me I had a sister who was my very best friend?
Were you my imaginary friend? I feel like I am so confused. Were you here for 21 years or was I dreaming the whole time?
The more important question is; Does either make me feel any better?
No. Either way your gone and I miss you ALL THE TIME. 


3 thoughts on “Night time is so painful. 

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