I visited your new home. I came to see you with your 2 best friends and one of our sisters. It was a surreal experience. What do you say to a patch of earth? What do you say to a mound of mud and flowers?
What I couldn’t say out loud I said in my head. I hope you heard me.
We had a giggle didn’t we. You were watching down on us all staring at this patch of grass talking to this spot where what is left of only your physical body.
Watching over us laughing because in your waking life not even you would have done this but I know you appreciated the gesture.
I feel more comfortable when I am alone with you in my kitchen where we drink tea and just laugh and laugh. Sometimes I cry but you don’t mind. You sip your tea, comfort me, I wipe my eyes and carry on the day the best way I know how.
The flowers are browning and wilting now. Its a mess. Fitting because thats how you used to live at mums. Messy child. Organised mess, but messy none the less.
We toasted to you on New Years Eve. I could feel you there. I was afraid of dancing, terrified of how it would feel without you but ever since you passed, every single time I dance I feel you instantly. I visited your new home.
I was afraid dancing like everything else I do to lift my mood would not be the same but it is the one constant in my life. Now that I know you are here dancing each time I bust a move I dance even more.
Remember how my last pregnancy disabled my body for months and I cried and complained not about the fact I couldn’t walk, but about the fact I couldn’t dance and was scared I never would again. You and my sisters refused to dance too. You all had faith and believed I would be dancing again so you all took care of me, motivated and waited until the time came again and when it did we danced all night! We danced until my body hurt and others told me to slow down but I refused. You slowed down and even sat down I said “No! You promised you would dance as long as I dance” so you was up and we danced the night away.
Most people wouldn’t of understood but thats why we chose the “lord of the dance” to sing at your funeral because you are dancing “wherever you may be”.
I will visit you again and next time I will bring our music and we will have a dance because I cant talk, wont talk to the ground its not for us. We party, we dance, we sing! I can hear you laughing right now because of our sick sense of humour; I know what you are thinking.
“No Cerise, I am not going to dance ON your grave hahahaha just you know…beside it. You’re so dumb! Love you doo doo. See you again soon”