Most people don’t understand.


I know that most people don’t understand what we meant to each other. Most people will never understand our bond or the love we shared for each other and thats ok because I am not asking them to.

They don’t understand that I literally believed when I was little that mummy had you for me. You were the best gift I never asked for.

People will never understand that everyday you were with me or you were with Katie. 

That is when I knew you were missing. If you weren’t with me and you weren’t with Katie then something was seriously wrong.

When you went missing someone asked me “do you feel she is in trouble or do you feel she is ok and will come home?” I said I felt nothing. They took that to mean numb. What I meant was I couldn’t feel you at all anymore.

Your weren’t like just an ordinary sister. You were like my twin. The kind of twin you see on tv or hear about through myths. When someone pinched you I would scream “ouch”.

 

“Twinning”

 
Laura said she never saw you angry or upset you were always so perky. The only time she can think of you ever showing anger is when I was in emotional turmoil. You would get so mad and upset for everything so called friends had done to me and put me through. You wanted to fight for me but you were my baby sister it wasn’t your fight as much as you felt it was your own.

We used to take turns looking after each other.

When I was diagnosed with depression years ago you didn’t flinch, you tried your best to understand and what you didn’t understand didn’t bother you because I was your sister and to you that meant I was still the same person and so we hugged it out.

When you had no money and no motive I would spoil you rotten, we would eat expensive things, stay at expensive hotels and even when I ran out of money I wouldn’t say nothing because getting into debt was worth it for you.

Everyday we lived life as if it was too short and I am so glad because we did so much together.

  
We didn’t understand other families. Didn’t understand why we were so close and other families weren’t. We were everything to one another. In other families people were just a term of endearment, something to use in conversation. 

“This is my brother/sister”. Thats what people do, they can label but are not able to back their words with emotion.

We rarely introduced ourselves as sisters, although we didn’t look alike it was almost always easy to recognise we were sisters. Our aura, the love it shined bright, it engulfed us, we were in our own little bubble.

In all the years you were my baby sister I cant remember falling out with you. I loved you too much to ever stay angry with you. 

I only remember falling out with you twice when you were teenaged I cant remember why or who’s fault it was but like back then to this day I didn’t care who was at fault because within 5 mins I would jump on you, squeeze you and tell you I love you and beg you to talk to me because not talking to you was physically painful for me and still is now. Even if the argument was your fault or you were being stubborn I didn’t care and I would apologise on your behalf because loving you is my oxygen and without it, breathing is near impossible. 

Remember how we were shocked how my husband could carry on life not talking to his brother for years? How they stop talking over a woman?

We just didn’t get it because I would divorce Shaun in a hot second if you told me too because You had been with me my whole life, you loved me more than him and I love you more than him. 

  
People think that is crazy, they don’t understand that you were my everything and living without you is a constant struggle.

I still cry every time I go into the kitchen to make tea. I can hear you laughing at how pathetic I am but every time I make or drink tea in there I see you.

 

only we could be excited about finding mugs to purchase at M&M World

 
I see your perfect hands and nails holding your mug, I see your smile, I hear you start telling me the dumb stories we liked to swap in the kitchen to pass time as our drinks cooled down. 

They will never understand that we were the type of sisters to tell each other we loved each other every time we spoke or saw each other. 

Every movement, every decision, every thought you are there. Every day, every moment, every second, every breath.

People don’t understand. I will never see you get married, never help you push your babies out, never ever see you again, squeeze you again.

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