Merry Christmas?

Everything and everyone is so quiet now. The rush, panic and noise has all died down.

They say that when someone passes its not who is there before the funeral, or during, its after.

It has been a 2 weeks since you were left to sleep eternally.

Booty and mum have visited you. I am still afraid to go alone. 

The incessant calls, texts and emails have finally stopped. I’m almost happy about it but at the same time annoyed people dare act a certain way leading up to your funeral and then after zip?! It is shocking.

My circle hasn’t changed aka “The usual suspects” they have always been here and thankfully always will be. Janice is still bringing over her home-cooked meals and pastries. You know I will milk her for all she got to give haha, good old Jan. 

Its Christmas Eve Day and it feels like any other day, well almost. Its more just a sad, gloomy day and the British weather is so fitting.

Thanks to all the love you left behind, I paid the Funeral Director today with all the generous donations. 

The people I do run into and are unfortunate enough to speak to still don’t know what to say so instead you know what they dare say to me? “Merry Christmas” or “Have a good Christmas”.

Are they serious?

It is Christmas Eve and I woke up alone; without you. 

I woke up and made tea instead of caking on the make up while listening to you waste my damn hot water with your your 2 hour long showers.

I woke up and walked to the kitchen alone instead of jumping on the sofa bed to wake you up because it is Christmas and time to party.

Every year this is the one thing our family get most excited about even more so than the kids because lets face it we are the kids!

I stirred in my milk thinking you should be drinking rum and I should be drinking vodka, we love using christmas eve as an excuse to start drinking “because its Christmas”.

Thank the universe (as we both used to love saying) for your chloe, my amy and our sisters who spoil our babies every year because this year I couldn’t even bring myself to shop for one present, not even christmas food. Its just a normal day to me now so what is the point?

What have I got to look forward to? You brought all the good presents anyway?

It is a hard day, going to be a hard evening and tomorrow I will be a wreck having to wake yet again without you.

Without you…Soca won’t sound the same, drinks don’t taste the same, dancing doesn’t feel as good. But I am going to carry on. I have to. You wont let me stop.

You keep pushing me, your my annoying sister like that.

Ever since you went away my landline which has no power keeps on ringing. I know it is you. I miss you too and want you home. I know that is why you are ringing. I know you feel my pain and want to take it away.

Christmas will never be the same again without you.

Amarie still cries, its hardest on her this Christmas. What is Christmas to her without games with Aunty C? It’s not the same with me I am just her mum, you were the cool one.

The day is as grey as my mood and I don’t think it is letting up anytime soon.

No one knows, no one understands. I am just that girl with the dead sister now.

Just alone in my heart at Christmas. Waiting for my best friend, my baby sister to come home.

All I want for Christmas is you.


9 thoughts on “Merry Christmas?

  1. There were lots of references here that I could recognize from those days. But it was the last line for me that echoed:
    Mom used to take me to see Santa when I was small. She liked the Christmas photos, she got them annually…at least 4-5. My sister took her son & me to visit Santa. This just following her funeral. I was 15 yrs old. I couldn’t think of anything I wanted. Well, yeah…I could. I sat on his lap wanting to ask him for Mom back, but I never got the nerve. I don’t remember what I asked for; but material things seemed unimportant.
    I think it was then I recognized that Santa’s bag of presents didn’t include the miracle of resurrection or eternal life; and My world view was about to change.

    I wouldn’t get to have her back, but I yearned to see her again.

    Thank you for sharing

    Liked by 1 person

      • Carley, I remember the sadness. The sadness won’t last forever but it can’t be ignored. You need to grieve & mourn. If you can’t cry, write or blog, sing, walk. If you have one, pick up a bible. Crazy as it sounds it can work.
        My FIL has been agnostic (not a believer) his whole life. After MILs death he is now struggling to keep going.
        He’s opening the word (Book of John & New Testament) finding hope.
        In the midst of our loneliness & grief we need HOPE & PEACE. Keeping you in thought…may the peace of God that transcends understanding fill your mind & spirit.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I do cry. I cry, dance, blog and talk. I not interested in the bible its lovely your FIL found faith but its not my thing hun, thank you for your kind words and suggestions though 🙂


      • I’m not sure where FIL is faith wise, Carley. That’s between him & God.
        It’s tough for people to open scripture. It’s hard to believe what we can’t see.
        All I can do is remain hopeful. No one needs to live in darkness or depair because of death.
        As President Snow said in the Hunger Games, “the only emotion stronger than fear, is Hope.”


      • Don’t know why people find it hard. I like bible stories. I have read the bible many times I just dont believe in God. No offense to you or any of your family members hun. I have hope though, hope that justice will prevail and I wont rest until it does. Hehe I love the Hunger Games. 🙂


      • No offense taken. The decision to believe is a personal one. I think people say they find it hard to read when it’s more than likely they don’t take the time to bother.
        It’s good that you have. I tried too many times when I was a kid and gave up cause I didn’t know it doesn’t work without guidance from the Holy Spirit,

        You mention you “hope justice will prevail”….can you clarify what that means?


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