Everything and everyone is so quiet now. The rush, panic and noise has all died down.
They say that when someone passes its not who is there before the funeral, or during, its after.
It has been a 2 weeks since you were left to sleep eternally.
Booty and mum have visited you. I am still afraid to go alone.
The incessant calls, texts and emails have finally stopped. I’m almost happy about it but at the same time annoyed people dare act a certain way leading up to your funeral and then after zip?! It is shocking.
My circle hasn’t changed aka “The usual suspects” they have always been here and thankfully always will be. Janice is still bringing over her home-cooked meals and pastries. You know I will milk her for all she got to give haha, good old Jan.
Its Christmas Eve Day and it feels like any other day, well almost. Its more just a sad, gloomy day and the British weather is so fitting.
The people I do run into and are unfortunate enough to speak to still don’t know what to say so instead you know what they dare say to me? “Merry Christmas” or “Have a good Christmas”.
Are they serious?
It is Christmas Eve and I woke up alone; without you.
I woke up and made tea instead of caking on the make up while listening to you waste my damn hot water with your your 2 hour long showers.
I woke up and walked to the kitchen alone instead of jumping on the sofa bed to wake you up because it is Christmas and time to party.
Every year this is the one thing our family get most excited about even more so than the kids because lets face it we are the kids!
I stirred in my milk thinking you should be drinking rum and I should be drinking vodka, we love using christmas eve as an excuse to start drinking “because its Christmas”.
Thank the universe (as we both used to love saying) for your chloe, my amy and our sisters who spoil our babies every year because this year I couldn’t even bring myself to shop for one present, not even christmas food. Its just a normal day to me now so what is the point?
What have I got to look forward to? You brought all the good presents anyway?
It is a hard day, going to be a hard evening and tomorrow I will be a wreck having to wake yet again without you.
Without you…Soca won’t sound the same, drinks don’t taste the same, dancing doesn’t feel as good. But I am going to carry on. I have to. You wont let me stop.
You keep pushing me, your my annoying sister like that.
Ever since you went away my landline which has no power keeps on ringing. I know it is you. I miss you too and want you home. I know that is why you are ringing. I know you feel my pain and want to take it away.
Amarie still cries, its hardest on her this Christmas. What is Christmas to her without games with Aunty C? It’s not the same with me I am just her mum, you were the cool one.
The day is as grey as my mood and I don’t think it is letting up anytime soon.
No one knows, no one understands. I am just that girl with the dead sister now.
Just alone in my heart at Christmas. Waiting for my best friend, my baby sister to come home.
All I want for Christmas is you.