Tuesday was bad, Wednesday was absolutely dreadful. I cried and screamed so hard and loud all day.I absolutely exhausted myself to the point of collapsing. I went to bed late afternoon and lay there in my tear stained, soaking wet pillow thinking of you.
I upset Sj. He hates to see his mum cry. Hates seeing me in pain. He wipes my tears away and I hug him desperately to my chest trying to feel better.
I calmed down enough to lay him to sleep in his cot.
When he slept I cried some more.
I keep asking “why me” why have you been ripped away from me?
I couldn’t bare to leave the house but Amarie needed picking up from school. You were her emergency contact. You know how painful it was to have you removed from that list? You know how much that hurt?
Mum brought Ama home later that night. I hate school run now.
I now know I will never bump into you on school run again. I used to love running into you making Amarie late, making you late, showing you off to my friends or random other school run mums that I don’t even care for just wanted to brag and show off because I had the most valuable thing and they didn’t; I had you.
When Ama came home I let her entertain Sj in the living room while I went back to misery in my room.
Then the strangest thing happened.
I felt you.
I felt a chill come over me even though it was boiling hot at home; because you know I love that central heating in the winter time. I suddenly felt you all around me and I stopped crying, stopped feeling sad, stopped feeling down. I suddenly felt very calm. I exhaled. Cleaned my face and joined my babies in the living room.
Shaun came home from work and I told him you were here and he hugged me and he was happy you saved me like you always used to from slipping into complete darkness.
Shaun has been so good to me, but then he has always been so good to us. He always took care of us didn’t he Cee? Even though we used to roll our eyes at him, tease him and gang up on him he still looked after us.
He told me when he informed work about your passing he found it almost insulting calling you his “sister-in-law” because you were so much more than that to him and that “sister-in-law” didn’t do you enough justice. He is right. You two were so close. You had more in common with him than I do. I won by the fact his kids are mine hahahaha! But then you always called your niece and nephew your own and hey you helped me bring them both into this world so they practically were yours too.
Shaun misses you so much.
But when you wrapped your arms around me. When you came to hang out on Wednesday. When you soothed me; Shaun & I were happy that you haven’t left after all.
Yesterday I spent the day with mum but you already know that. We felt you all day. No tears were shed all day. We paid for your hall, your flowers and refreshments for your big “after – party” aka your wake.
When we got home to mums we ate pizza our favourite. Ever since you went to sleep mum has been eating pizza like she is you and I. Three times this week she has had pizza!!! Remember when we used to do that and couldn’t fit into our skinny jeans? Ahahaha.
Then I brought your friend Angel home with me and she said she would teach me cards like she taught you. Our sisters Chez and Tash came over and we laughed and laughed until I kicked them out because you know how I do I wanted to watch my program before bed.
The whole time I felt you laughing with us. Enjoying sister time like you used to. I’m so glad your still here with me. I was afraid I had lost you.
Stay with me.