Unfortunately as the days elapse the reality is starting to settle in.
It is getting harder and harder to keep up this facade.
I smile, I laugh, I still make banter. All the while the darkness inside is feeding off the sorrow and grief I am really feeling.
I can’t stop the rain cloud from chasing me, from getting comfortable above my head, from the heavy downpour predicted.
I have a feeling there will be thunder and there will most definetly be lightening because I can’t contain this pain much longer.
The pain is bigger than me.
I am slowly drowning because the memory of how to swim escapes me.
Today Amarie caught me daydreaming. She looked so worried. She said “mummy are you ok?”, shouldn’t I be asking her that.
Everyone is talking Cerise. Everyone knows. School run is suffocating. I bump into random people who tell me “I’m sorry” I just want to run. Today I did.
I keep thinking your the first person I always turn to when I start getting down but now…
It is settling in.
The weight of everyone else on my shoulders is physically and mentally crippling. But I cant show them Cerise, they all want me to be strong.
In the last two weeks the priest, the fineral director even the local shop vendor told me “you dont look a day over 21” I don’t feel 21 or even 31. I feel after all is said and done I will look and feel 101.
Life is scary without you, its boring too. Who will finish our bucket list now. We were supposed to bungee jump, jump out of a plane, feed the homeless at Christmas and so much more.
Where do I go from here?
It is settling in and I feel so low.