A good friend messaged me. She told me when she endured her own loss she was told to remember to do three things; eat, wash and get out of bed.
Cerise you know how we roll; eating is easy. Ever since you left its all I do. When people aren’t asking “if there is anything I can do” they bring food.
You know Janice brought over her famous lasagne? Wait for it…she also brought over her famous “Ice-Cream Cake” too. Girl you missed out. This time she topped it with chocolate on top! Even if you were here you know I wasn’t going to share that for s***.
My Amy and your Chloe brought over sooooo much food. They brought over, Shepherd’s Pie, Bolognese and Chicken Pasta Bake. They brought treats for Amarie and Sj too. They stayed and reminisced about Ayia F’ing Napa haha. I smiled but its hard to laugh without your infectious laugh starting me off.
Cerise you never told me about Laura’s mum’s cooking. Oh my goodness. Wooooow. Niiiiiiiiice. Even with all of Sj’s allergies he still ate her food. His face swelled up so bad because I couldn’t stop him from eating her food with his hands you know what he is like.
I haven’t had a problem with eating. I can eat just fine. Sometimes I cry when I eat because I think of you but I can still eat.
I wash everyday, I hate to toot my horn here (yeah I know, I love tooting my own horn) but I still look pretty good on the outside. Hair clean, skin smelling sweet, and my eyebrows are on fleeeek (they aren’t really but saying that always reminds me of you). However you catch my drift. I am keeping myself clean.
Getting out of bed is hard everyday but I can do it. I have been doing it. I get out of bed so that I can eat and wash. I get out of bed to check on your niece and nephew. I get out of bed to look out the window, let the morning light hit me and wake me and help me get ready for the day.
Thats not the problem.
The problem is my good friend forget to mention one other thing.
REMEMBER TO BREATHE.
I catch myself throughout the day holding my breath. I can’t breathe. I feel like my lungs don’t work properly or that my heart isn’t pumping enough blood around my body.
I find myself staring into space thinking about you and before long I realise I cant breathe. I am holding my breath, sometimes holding my tears, mostly trying to reject my thoughts.
Thinking of you stops everything except time.
I stop, I exhale and its already been 19 days since I last saw you.
16 days since they “pronounced you” I can’t even say the word. 16 days since you fell asleep forever.
I feel like I am on life support. I have to keep forcing myself to breathe. Breathing without you is so hard. Breathing without you is surreal. I didn’t think it was possible. How am I breathing without you; my heart, my lungs, my love my everything.
People keep telling me this will get easier. When Cerise? When?
It’s already been almost 3 weeks since I last joked with you, since I last saw you smile.
I can barely finish this post because yet again I have to force myself to focus on breathing.