Another morning. I wake up and realise this is my life now? I look out the window and cars whirr by, the trees sway, the hustle and bustle still goes on. I could have sworn that the world would have stopped by now.I want to look out the window and see the apocalypse has finally arrived.
People keep telling me “remember all the good times” as if thats enough. You were only 21 years old there wasn’t enough good memories, I need more.
Amarie is confused and just wants you back. Sj will never understand. They are too young to have lost you.
Mum is trying hard not to lose her mind. The way she grips here hands its almost like she is physically trying to hold it in place.
Me. I hate you. You left me all alone. Practically every time I saw your big bug eyes, big lips, over grown giant, mudblood self I would squeeze you and tell you despite your obvious deformities, ok your obvious beauty that I envied so much that I loved you and could never live without you.
How dare you not hold on? How dare you not fight? How dare you save me over and over again to eventually leave me, before me, too young, too quick.
Life is not fair. We can all say that and not truly understand what that means until something like this happens.
People keep telling me I am in shock that it will soon wear off. How?
How can I EVER accept that you are gone now and NEVER coming back.
Look at the mess you have left behind! I actually hate you so much right now because I loved you so hard all your life.
All your life. That alone sounds ridiculous. What life? 21 years? Thats not life. Thats a preview.
People want to tell me that God took you home.
They don’t know and understand we are non believers.
We used to believe in the universe. I can’t even believe in that anymore.
What did I do that was so wrong that the universe had to take you away from me?
What did Katy do?
Are you watching us right now? Have you seen Katie? She is almost unrecognisable.
She is broken. It looks as if sellotape is holding her together. Fragile.
Have you seen our sisters? Tasha cried! Cheryl cried! Like you they NEVER cry! They cried and what was left of my heart crumbled and fell to pieces.
Shaun wouldn’t want me to mention him but at this point theres not a lot I care about ‘airs and graces’ Shaun is fragile too. He is trying his best to be my husband but he lost his best friend. His sister in law. His partner in crime.
I will never understand this. No book, google search, therapist, sign; nothing will give me clarity or understanding.
When you saw the light or whatever it was you should have run away from it with all your strength.
If I knew when you waved goodbye from your car that was the last time I was going to see you I would have jumped in and chained myself to you and never let you go.
All I can hear is that stupid song you always listened to in your car ‘No air’ I say stupid because I never quite understood it. Now I do because I can’t breathe without you.
I loved you so much.