I will save your life over and over again (Dear mum)

A letter to my mother in a difficult period in our lives. My mother is my world and a tower of strength to the whole family and because of that I would hate to see her break in any way or form. This is a very honest letter with a lot of raw feelings and honest truths that I want to share with you in the hopes it may inspire something in your hearts in the name of family and friends or whoever. 

Dear Mummy, 

My Mum

 Ever since you gave birth to me, raised from a baby girl to a women I have loved you immensely and looked up to you. I’ve always wanted you to love me me as much as I love you. 

I’ve always wanted you to be proud of me. 

I will never forget the day I once disappointed you so much you couldn’t even look me in the eye, the day I embarrassed you so much I rendered you speechless. That was the day you bailed me out of the police station. 

I was so sad inside I couldn’t believe what I had done to you after everything you had worked so hard to do, to give me, to teach me right from wrong. I felt disgraced and I vowed I would never hurt you like that again because when I feel the cold from you I can’t get the warmth anywhere else. 

The love you provided me from womb up until today (even the day at the police station) and no doubt forever literally gives me life! 

When I’ve hurt you, done you wrong, or disappointed you I know to fight to make you proud again and look upon me with love. 

You have successfully raised three children alone, because let’s face it even when you had support you have always been the one constant person in all 3 of our lives. You have worked hard all your life to make sure we always had what we needed and a lot of the time had things we wanted too. You treated us all equally. We all had lots of toys, sweets, healthy food, homework help, big birthday parties, cuddles, kisses, advice but most of we all had and have consistent love from you. 

The list goes on. The point is i know you are a great mother all your children do and we are lucky to have you. 

You are also the glue that holds the family together or brings them together in times of crisis. Your the one every member turns to for help first! Everyone of us trusts you. Your sisters, my cousins and siblings and I believe the next generation too will still be coming to you too as they grow older. 

In recent times things have been getting harder, emotions higher and situations more complicated. 

Although you are strong everyone deserves a break! I can’t wait till you go to Grenada so you can have this. 

However the reason I write this long letter is because you need to clear your mind and de-clutter your life even before your leave. If you don’t your trip will be a waste as you come back calm and walk back into s*** storm. 

I know it’s hard to let go of someone you love especially when you carried them inside you and shared the same body for almost 10 months. After you have had such great moments and a great although hard at times life raising your only son. 

I know how many times you have tried to save him from himself and help him turn his life around. 

I know you love junior as much as he loves you even though he doesn’t always show it when having one of his ‘episodes’. 

However realise your mistake is not loving him but in trying to help someone, a grown man now who is not yet willing or ready to help himself. It’s like your carrying more of his burden than he is. 

Let him go, leave his troubles to him, let him work on his demons. 

He needs rehab in every way. Not just for drug abuse but for emotional and maybe even physical abuse he claims happened to him. 

Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love even it’s your own child is to turn your back on them so like me when I was younger they fight to get you to look at them with pride. 

He is my brother I love him but he is making you both ill. Your making yourself ill too by hanging on. 

This is the point you have to take your life back and use the admirable strength you have always had to shut him out and cut him off from your life for your health!

Don’t let him drain you any longer, take your strength, your compassion, your hair, energy and so on. 

It doesn’t have to be forever either. 

Just until your either strong enough to deal with him or until he sorts out his mess and gets himself together!

I didn’t want to cut Pamela or Aunty Denise off but dealing with them is too much. I love them both but dealing with Pamela stresses me so much it triggers either unhealthy rage or my depression. Dealing with Aunty Denise at times is too much too especially while I’m pregnant so I had to do what I have done to get some peace and stay in control. 

And look at what Gina and Adrian did to me. Both times I got that painful rash all over my body that was stressed related was due to them. My body was literally telling me to cut them off or suffer more pain. 

My migraines grew worse too. The more I stressed the the more ill I got! 

Just like you with your hair. Your body is telling you it’s stressed, so listen to it before you get more symptoms and become seriously ill. 

Even with junior I was worried and scared that time he was in hospital but his behaviour has been unacceptable since then and I will not tolerate it. 

I avoid most of his calls and avoid having him over on a regular because I can see he is still not well and so I can’t be around him or trust what or when he might do something. 

I decided from late last year that I would not deal with or get involved with anymore drama or stressful situations even if it was family because I can not mentally or physically handle it anymore especially when the problem has nothing to do with me. I leave people to themselves. I can honestly say I’ve been much happier and my bipolar is easier to handle without the need for drugs or therapy. But this Junior situation is so bad and now involves me because of his aggression and violence towards you. That’s why I am saying this to you now. 

Carry on and suffer his misery and angry rein or cut him loose and live a happier more stress free life. 

Your life your choice but I just don’t want to see you waste the next few years, withering away emotionally and physically trying to help someone who needs to first help himself, by seeing what he is doing to himself and family then seek professional help. 

I was appalled and horrified to hear what he tried to do with the cutlass. How do you come back from that? How can you look your own mother in the eye after doing such things?

Extremely disgraceful. 

I’ve said my piece and all because I’m worried about the person I love most in the world, you my mother. 

You don’t have to take my advice just think about it. 

I love you mummy xxxx


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