“I wish could tie you up in my shoes
Make you feel
I was told I was
But what does that mean to you
Look into the mirror who’s inside there
The one with the
Same old me again today (yeah)
My outsides look cool
My insides are blue…
…I’ve tried different ways
But it’s all the same
At the end of the day
I have myself to blame
I’m just trippin…..
…Maybe get rid of you
And then I’ll get back to me ” ~ TLC
Have you ever been in a situation where you felt so uncomfortable you had to take yourself out of the equation?
I don’t like confrontation or arguments I’ve mentioned it before.
However as I’ve grown older I’ve realised I can’t always avoid them. It’s life.
Some people will pick fights with you, argue with you, aggressively confront you to try and get their point across.
I realised however that walking away or removing myself from an uncomfortable situation was fine if not healthier for me than staying and setting off chain reactions that leads to my mental health breaking down.
I can remember distinct times in the past when I was in an uncomfortable situation with a friend. One particular occasion instead of being considerate she kept pushing me to put on a face and an act to get myself through the night for both our sakes. That moment I realised she didn’t know me well otherwise she would have understood that pushing me would only have a dire effect on me mentally.
After the above and a few more Situations I don’t care to discuss I promised myself years ago I would no longer suffer feeling uncomfortable in a situation to make someone else happy.
Somehow years later I fell into an uncomfortable situation. Again being life you can try your best but sometimes some things can’t be avoided. As soon as I started to feel miserable I knew I had to do something. So I decided to get out of this situation.
When I decided to take action I suddenly felt that maybe I had been rash because the person I tried to leave seemed unhappy. At that point I thought maybe I had misread the situation and tried to communicate with this person.
Have you ever had second thoughts about something or someone and then suddenly realised you should have trusted your first instinct?
This person shut me down completely. When I tried to be open and honest about my feelings they replied with “no”.
I was in disbelief. Have you ever been told the emotions your feeling are untrue? Shut down so many times because that person refuses to listen? Words put into your mouth so forcefully you feel like your choking?
I realised then yet again I was trying engage and communicate with someone who didn’t know me only thought they did.
I broke down. My mind exploded. I was in such a mess I walked out with blurred vision from all the tears and nearly got hit by a car I was in such a mess.
I sat in a public takeaway and cried. Customers and employees looked on in horror but I didn’t care. I phoned my husband and told him all that had happened. He felt so helpless because he was miles away taking care of our children while I was supposed to be enjoying a weekend break.
I so badly wanted to blame this person for bruising my mind, bruising my heart and almost breaking my spirit.
Instead I blame myself. I should have known better. There where signs leading up to this moment but sometimes I relax and let my guard down. I let certain people slip in the crack of my walls and let them start chipping away or even knocking them down.
I recently visited my psychiatrist. The good news I’m not crazy. I’m not depressed and haven’t been for a long time. The bad news I can’t handle stress. The minute the stress becomes unbearable is the minute depression starts knocking at my door.
I cried like a fool in Subway for an hour screaming down the phone to my husband that I am in fact “a fool” isn’t that handling stress?
I got a long way to go aye?
The tale has a happy ending though. I called one of my best friends and she came to the rescue. After crying into her gorgeous, sweet smelling, alluring curls (I felt so bad after her looked gorgeous and here’s me wetting it with all my tears). After getting it out my system and her telling me some home truths we rode off into the sunset…ok ok so we walked found a station in the dark not sunset, caught a train and then her mum came and picked us up and we drove back to her mums.
Being with my best friend. Being in her arms like with any of my best friends I felt like I was home. When the tears stopped, the anger and the emotional self harm we just laughed and laughed and laughed all night until we were exhausted.
We agreed that it was fate an the universe was teaching me a lesson very early on this year and it had to be harsh so I would listen. We agreed that destiny and the universe had put her in my path to neutralise the situation and save me. I’m so grateful for her. Grateful the universe gave me her in my desperate time of need.
Now waking up in her bedroom I feel refreshed and everything bad, uncomfortable and all the wrongs of last night feel like a distant dream.