I started this journey lost. This year I have been desperately trying to find my way back to me. I knew when I first lost myself but I couldn’t remember how. It was only when I started to find myself again I realised what had happened.
No more “Mr. Nice Guy”
I got played by someone. I got played so good I let the rage take over me and decided I didn’t want to be “nice” anymore. I made a conscious decision that I would be a much more “horrible” person. I thought if I became this person people would stop taking me for granted. I hoped people would think twice about using me as a door mat.
Dishing out their own medicine
I thought it’s time I gave the people I thought I hated way back when, a piece of their own medicine.
I became the one person I despised I started turning into icequeen.
Play them by their own game
Everything she had done to me or had, had done to me I decided I wasn’t going to be a victim anymore but instead become a bigger, better, evil, icequeen than she ever was in order to punish her.
Realisation & Revelation
Later rather than sooner I realised I had accomplished this I had become a more pitiful person than her, and a pity party is something I didn’t want to attend for myself.
I suddenly thought I had the right to be her and others judge and juror.
I became this person I didn’t recognise and felt so uncomfortable in my skin. That’s when I realised I still hadn’t completely let go of everything that had happened almost 17 months ago.
Although it took me a long time to realise because of the anger and bitterness I was once blinded by, I was halfway there with choosing not to be taken advantage of but was going about it the wrong way.
I felt like I had taken one step forward and two steps back.
It occurred to me trying to be like her was not making me happy in anyway. Trying to act like her was filling me with a black smog so thick I was suffocating from the inside.
When I looked in the mirror I wanted to see the queen I was before. Warm and loving to everyone. Happy and smiling, spreading my positivity to everyone I come into contact with.
I’ve said it once before I hate the cold I don’t do well in it. It’s not what my core is made of. I have always come from love and have always gladly shared it with everyone. Love is who I am.
Friends & Family
Thankfully people in my life surrounded me with such positivity & love they unknowingly pulled me out of what I could have possibly been lost in forever. They reminded me of who I am to them, how I lift them up, how they look to me for positivity and how they always feel warm and safe in my company because they always know what to expect in way of love & affection.
Now I don’t cringe, raise up my shoulders in hostility, get angry or shudder when I think of everything that happened back in the summer of 2013.
I’m over it and I wanna scream it from the roof tops because of how free those three words make me feel!
One special friend has me doing a challenge at the moment a “selfie journey challenge”. Take a selfie everyday and add meaning to them via her daily prompts.
I love a good selfie and I love it more that I get to put meanings to them. As I’m doing the journey I’m learning more about myself, understanding more of my emotions and feel even more motivated than before to keep hold of this happiness I have rediscovered in finding myself again.