I’m afraid to be happy


A lot of the time I’m afraid to be happy or rather my happiness scares me.

When I’m happy I fear it won’t last long and it never truly does because the universe must have balance.

Sometimes I fear if I get too happy someone will seek me out or sense my happiness and try to destroy it. Worse still I fear I’ll do it to myself as I have a tendency to be self destructive.

However at times I wonder if I’m really happy or just having another manic episode. I get confused with am I treating myself or being reckless?

I’m so happy right now. I’ve put so much behind me and I’m emotionally pain free again, it feels so good to finally be free again.

It feels good to laugh out loud without masking a burning pain underneath. It feels good to talk freely without being bitter. It feels great being reminded that things happen for a reason and that I have learned so much from my life adventures.

So happy right now with everything and everyone I have. Even happier with everything and everyone I have lost. My baggage was so heavy it was not only holding me back it had me stuck in one spot, then when I thought I was moving on I realised I was actually going round and round coming back to the same spot like a broken record.

I couldn’t truly break free until now. Until I understood certain things, situations and people.

I found me again.

Deep down in my broken heart, the cracks were healing slowly. The more I pushed myself to move on quickly I overworked my weak little heart and it kept on breaking further. I had to take things in my stride. I had to feel every inch of pain before releasing it all.

I’m back “I’m saved” and “I’m healed” my heart is mended!

I’m so happy and I’m embracing this moment.

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