Last night I went to bed with the worst feeling of dread I have had in a long time.
I woke up with it too. I think I have made a big mistake.
My husband, my biggest supporter of my blog and upcoming book tried to reassure me that I could have made a mistake but I haven’t.
Let me explain…
A lot of my previous posts under the category ‘ICEQUEEN’ and my upcoming book about ‘GERALDINE’ are one in the same.
My posts and book is ultimately about how a very sick and twisted individual tried to ruin my life.
Once friends she only become this sick and twisted individual we spoke of when I realised her true colours…or at least I thought.
I had been so angry and hurt by everything she had done and by everything she had deliberately put me through I forgot that actually this woman is in fact SICK and I don’t mean in the name calling sense she has actually been diagnosed, medicated and is still in therapy for her disorder.
As recent as a few months ago she told me my worst trait was that I like to make assumptions and she was right to a certain level. I do make assumptions especially when people don’t want to share information, my mind works over time and I make huge assumptions.
I assumed because we both share a similar illness that we were one in the same but I was so wrong and I am so ashamed for making that assumption about a mental illness because I hate when other people do it.
Someone made me realise how severe her illness is and pointed out that’s exactly why she is the way she is and she may never recover.
It also occurred to me yesterday when I was discharged from the mental health team that has been taking care of me; how mild my illness is compared to hers and furthermore because her is so severe and so different to mine it can’t be compared at all.
It also dawned on me…(gosh I will never hear the end of this tonight) that my husband was RIGHT about her all along.
The whole time she knew exactly what she was doing. She is ill yes, she is aware of that and has played on that fact her whole life. She is manipulative and is proud of this trait. Although her and her partner enjoyed taunting me and calling me someone who ‘likes to play victim’ it is her who has continuously played victim to keep hold of her previous partners and now current fiancé.
She has struggled with this illness for a very long time from what I can remember her telling me. She has had multiple medications switched up to tailor her unstable moods and every so often she purposefully comes off them so that she can have what she likes to call ‘fun’ aka a manic episode.
My point is because I didn’t understand how severely ill she was before I labelled her countless things and hated her for some time. I posted articles about her, I mocked her. I even wished her dead at one point because that’s how much I couldn’t stand her and her antics.
However now that someone has opened my eyes up to how severe she is I feel even more sorry for her than I did when I let everything go. I feel bad for her, it must be so hard to function day-to-day something I take for granted with my illness being so much more milder than hers.
I feel like I have made a big mistake. I humiliated her with my posts, my rants, my loud mouth and my soon to be published book.
Don’t get me wrong I don’t excuse any of her behaviour because she is a grown woman who has support and love around her. she has family and friends and plenty of doctors as she pointed out to me a few months back. Its her responsibility to take care of herself or at the very least her fiancé. The way she carried on could have been avoided if someone, anyone would have taken responsibility for her but they didn’t and her madness not only triggered mine it nearly destroyed me.
I’m having second thoughts about publishing my book…although like I explained to my proof reader and to my husband what initially started out as a revenge book turned more into a therapeutic experience of self discovery.
It was no longer about ‘look what this bitch done to me and my family’ its more about ‘this is who I was back then, how I got here and who I am now’.
hmmmm so undecided now and I have so many people supporting me and waiting for this book!