8 months into 2014.
I wanted to write this 6 months in but then as you all know my little prince arrived.
So far so good.
I still live on a rollercoaster of highs and lows but the dips are not only few and far between but less severe I am finding.
A big part of this is being more open about my condition and letting the people who truly know me and love me, help!
Unfortunately I learned some people no matter how hard I wanted them to understand and how hard I wanted to believe they understood they didn’t and wouldn’t because honestly they were too selfish, and funny enough I realise now that is absolutely fine because not everyone I meet is going to be kind, caring or understanding.
However the people who have stood by me are absolutely amazing! They make me feel “normal” whatever that word means. Despite the NHS pushing drugs on me I have not accepted any medications for my condition because my friends and family provide the strongest drug there is; LOVE.
They all have provided me with everything a woman could possibly want and need. They have helped me emotionally, mentally, physically, financially.
They have partied with me like a single girl, advised me when I was lost and fed up, comforted me when I was sad, threw me a baby shower when I didn’t know where to start and made my new addition feel so loved he never stops smiling.
I mention all this because although I have always known I have been blessed I didn’t really see it because my depression, toxic people I used to have around me and drama had blinded me.
This year I have finally seen my life for what it is.
Ex friends would always comment on how popular I was because I had so many friends. I would shrug it off and tell them stop comparing my life to theirs and that as long as you have one good friend it’s all you need.
This year I realised yes I am popular and yes I do have a lot of friends and support. So much so I think the midwives, health visitors, social services and psychiatrist’s are disappointed. They are disappointed because they can’t say they ‘helped’, disappointed because they know I don’t need Sertraline and I won’t take it anyway, disappointed I’m not as ‘crazy’ as I look on paper, disappointed I have support from my husband, friends and family so much that I don’t need “professional help”.
They were secretly hoping they could pump me full of drugs and shut the case but unfortunately I’m far more complicated and stronger than ever this year and all the professionals have to put the head down in shame and walk away cause they can’t reach quota with this chick!
I’ve also learned chasing butterflies only make them flutter away further. I’m not a hunter I’m a mother of two and a wife, I don’t have time or the energy to chase butterflies let alone people.
It used to bother me when certain people pushed me away but these days I have extra responsibilities and after tending to those, I only have energy for the creatures who have time and energy for me. My good friends go out of their way to contact me, make sure I am well and constantly communicate with me and I love and appreciate that so much. There was a time I admit I wouldn’t realise how much these people would go out of their way for me because I was too busy chasing butterflies or worse lions, tigers and leopards.
The lions & tigers I have walked away from or was previously ripped to shreds by are now long gone. So I missed one particularly feisty leopard and I was her weak prey for thinking of her but hey I’m only human and now since recently I have come to realise its time I stop thinking of her as so high up in the animal kingdom and for her to move down in the hierarchy that is my heart.
The traumatic experiences I had to go through last year that left me in a lot of emotional pain and dare I say extremely bitter has left the building.
It occurred to me the people in my life that I had once loved very dearly clearly didn’t feel the same way about me let alone know me and that’s why they chose to hurt me.
I thought I had lost so much but I was looking at things the wrong way round…the mirror will do that distort your image and turn it backwards. The people who hurt me lost a hell of a lot…me.
I thought I was so angry back in beginning but what made it all slip away earlier this year was the realisation that I needn’t be. I apologised for whatever had happened in certain circumstances and then I made peace with myself. The people who hurt me are very different from me and we do not mix well. We have different values, opinions and religions and that’s ok.
I also learned that for some of them their pride is so big they will never apologise because they refuse to see the error of their ways and this was brought to light when one of them felt to preach to me how much of a bigger and better person they are compared to me which is again fine as I am so comfortable in myself I didn’t need to retaliate or prove anything.
I realised that after certain things have been said and done there is no going back and I am grateful because it’s a big and hard lesson I will never forget and it gives me strength.
I’m happy to have found real love and happy endings do exist and this has given me hope.
This year so far has had its downfalls of course because this is life after all but mainly there has been so many highs and I am so happy and grateful to the universe for such happiness. I love my life, my friends, my family, the trees…(yes I’m a total hippie lol) me I’m doing just fine.