Another day, another battle


photoForgiveness is not hard only when you make it hard.
I try so hard to not let it get to me and get me down but let’s face it, fighting manic depression is often a loosing battle.
Takes so much energy to keep up this pretence every second of the day.
Smiling, laughing and interacting.
All I want to do is cry. Hold my heavy head in my hands and cry.
I reached out only to get rejection.
I wasn’t expecting anything so then to be rejected like this hurts.
I thought the dust had settled and although things weren’t ever going to go back to what they were. I hoped for forgiveness.
It’s all my fault really.
Weakness! That’s what has triggered today’s episode of self-doubt, self-hatred and loathing.
I keep thinking if I hold my head tight enough the racing thoughts will come to a halt but of course that’s not working.
Horrible, horrible thoughts.
Stop pitying yourself Carley, pick yourself up before you fall to deep.
Sign number one uncontrollable, inconsolable crying. Cry it out and be done with it!
Sign number two thoughts racing so fast and hard you’re not sure which is your own and which is that of your demons. You get lost and start projectile vomiting your words.
Weak. I’m weak.
I thought I knew better but I can never control this stupid big heart of mine. It keeps jumping out on my sleeve for all to see and for all to damage.
Stop it! Stop that sadness right now.
Aries is not worth it. Maybe 4-5 years ago but not anymore.
Don’t let her keep pulling that trigger.
She’s bitter.


It’s my fault. I turned her that way.
No! She needs to take responsibility for her actions for once!
Ahhhh my mind is coming apart.
Help me.
Breathe.
Keep typing.
Distract yourself by letting the words flow and the keys take over.
Don’t let her do this to you.
Don’t let your mind twist and amp the situation.
You are in control.
Huff.
My face is wet…oh the tears have started again.
Head down.

 

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