Book Snippet, Diary Entry Aug 2012

21 Aug 2012

Left Janice’s after staying 4 weeks. Junior (my brother) now officially stores everything I own.

I think it was weird for Janice to realise I had gotten so low that all I wanted to do was disappear. The shock and surprise she must have felt to return home and to see me distraught with 2 police officers trying to calm me down, while we waited for an ambulance.

I feel like I have disappointed her so much.

She is a true friend. I can’t believe after everything she still came to pick me up from hospital after I was discharged.

I’m staying with Shinel and Miyah now.

After all the friendships I’ve lost and after closing up to so many I finally let Geraldine in and she broke my heart.

I didn’t think it would go like this at all.

Her loving Aaron so much that our friendship was a low priority if anything.

Aaron hating me to the point he attacks me verbally with hurtful comments such as ‘I don’t care’ when I told him of my suicide attempt.

I didn’t realise how hurt, lonely and sad I felt until now.

My emotions and life is so messed up right now.

Everything is weighing so hard on me right now.

How could Geraldine do this to me?

I thought she was the loyalist girl I’d ever met. I really thought she loved me and she was using Aaron for convenience. Turns out it was the other way around.

How could I get it so wrong? Love is blind? Loves makes you crazy?

I’m also scared I have broken Shaun beyond repair. I tried to take my life and while I know it was wrong having a husband and daughter rely on me, I still feel like doing it till I succeed.

Such racing thoughts…

Disclaimer: These events, locales and conversations are directly from my journal/ memories of them. In order to maintain their anonymity in some instances I have changed the names of individuals, I may have changed some identifying characteristics and details such as physical properties.


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