I’ve lost many a friend to controlling relationships. Where a once wild, care-free, bubbly friend would end up timid, quiet and so submissive they become a shell of who they once were.
I can understand that some people enjoy being submissive and told what to do. I understand because I am the opposite, I like to be the dominate one in my marriage but can also admit when I am being too forceful and listen to my husband’s direction when absolutely necessary.
In my relationship with my husband there can sometimes be a power struggle for “who wears the trousers”. I am feisty and rebellious and although this can sometimes rub my husband up the wrong way, it’s also one of the reasons he married me. He has never been interested in the submissive quite type. My loud and wild side is what attracted him to me in the first place.
My husband doesn’t try to control me. He knows there is no point. He knows trying to control someone like me will back fire in the worse way because I not only enjoy but embrace my rebellious side. If he tells me to “jump” he knows I will tell him to “jump first” and then instead of waiting for a reply I would probably push him!
Lioness was fierce, she stood tall, she was a leader amongst her peers and her intelligence so extraordinary I know she will soon become the doctor she is training to be if not sooner than she thinks.
The thing about Lioness, she had a weakness that held her back; her Lion aka her husband.
Her husband was an ok guy from what I knew of him on the odd occasions that I met him but something always struck me as a little odd about him.
Lioness and I were allowed to be friends as long as Lion knew what we were doing every part of the day and night; where we were, who we were with, what Lioness was wearing, when Lioness would be home.
At first I thought this was cute. He obviously worried about her. Although I am not an advocate for obsessiveness I thought it was sweet that she had someone who obviously loved that fact she was his and vice versa.
However I quickly tired of this behaviour. Lioness and I would be out enjoying ourselves and she would be acting like a free spirit, then she would suddenly get the “dreaded text” from Lion. It didn’t matter what it said it always changed the mood to sombre and I would know that our time together was about to be cut short.
She was so alive when she was with me and then when we were back at her home with her husband her whole demeanour would change. She would be this ‘stepford wife’ change her clothes, her hair, cater to his every need. She would bring him his slippers, cook his food, and watch the programs he wanted to watch, run his baths.
Now I Know most of it doesn’t sound that bad but the fact he would call her home after “letting her have the night off” and the fact she would immediately obey this instruction was very controlling on his part and very strange for me to watch her do after getting to know a different side of her.
When she was with me she would explain she wanted her relationship with him to change, she felt stifled with him. She said there were times she wanted to leave but she felt obligated to stay as he had once saved her from a horrible situation, taken her away and then married her. She felt that she owed him her life. She even convinced herself that feeling scared in a relationship was normal.
I remember one time she came to visit me, we went to one of my nieces birthday parties. It was the first time she had met all my family and she was enjoying herself so much. After that we got something to eat then went back to mine to get changed and go to a friend of mines birthday party.
I had brought tickets for both Lioness and I just as we had reached the venue and then…the “dreaded text” displayed on her phone and her husband as usual wanted to know all the details of what we were up to. He said he had an emergency and urgently required her home. When she asked what had happened he explained his friend had, had an accident and was getting treatment in hospital. He said it wasn’t serious but his friend’s arms needed a few stitches, but he would like her to come and be by his side.
I was furious! Lion’s friend was in need and he was by his side. Why on earth did Lioness need to be there too? I asked Lioness if this friend was a ‘mutual’ one to which she replied ‘no’. So it angered me further.
I asked if she could call her husband back and ask if there was any way she could stay. She looked and sounded afraid and that’s when I knew there must be more to their relationship behind closed doors than I had even thought about.
I dropped her halfway home sadly and from that point our friendship diminished. Every time we tried to arrange a meet up it got cancelled because her husband had decided he didn’t want her to leave because he “needed” her.
Every time we even tried to converse on the phone she would indicate her husband was around so she would have to keep it short.
It was clear Lion thought I was the bad influence. He once emailed me to tell me so. He admitted what we both knew that Lioness acted differently around me, she was different. He blamed me and said he didn’t like it.
This is something I am accustomed to. Not only can I be quite rebellious but I encourage others to be rebellious with me. I feel good when I successfully do it to because I feel it gets people out of their comfort zone, out of the norm, having a good time, one to remember when they have to return back to their everyday lives of normalcy. Which in Lioness’ case was being a slave to her husband.
Once or twice a year we still manage to get a sneak conversation in on ‘whatsapp messenger’ and have a little giggle. It’s a shame with all her qualities the one person she cannot or won’t stand up too is him. If not for a friendship then for her bright future. When she finally gets her qualifications complete to become a GP what next? A career like that will surely take up so much of her time that she won’t be able to deal with such a controlling husband?
My darling Lioness, I hope you find the courage you have lost. Find it, use it and move on because you are destined for greater things.
Love you always, forever your crazy, rebellious friend Carlitamay xxx