A lot of things have been changing already this year it’s almost March and not only am i growing with the new year I see people around me growing too.
Conversations I have had with friends and family, things I have seen with my own eyes has got me thinking about how much people are growing and changing and how they came to the point they are at now.
Lately I have seen a lot of break downs or break ups in relationships and friendships, its hard to watch let alone experience for myself.
I envy the people who walk through these situations apparently unharmed, unscathed and untouched.
I often wonder was there a bond? was there ever love? was what they had real? I ponder these things because if there was even one of the things mentioned how can they so easily walk on and never look back.
Its something I have often struggled with.
I love hard and when there is relationship trouble with a partner or friendship strife I take things really hard.
I once fell deeply in love with an Aries.
I remember the first night we met like it was yesterday when in fact it was 6 years ago. After speaking with one another over the net for more than 6 months we decided to meet up. There was an instant connection and bond between us. We had shared so much over the net it was like we had known each other for years.
When we met up we decided to go dancing at the place she would normally work out. We thought it best since she knew we would get in free and wouldn’t have to pay for drinks either, just that suggestion alone made me like her even more! We danced, we teased, we caused quite a stir in that nightclub and I didn’t want the night to end.
I remember her manager being quite excited at seeing the both of us together and asking if we were just friends or more. She told him we were “really good friends” and then we showed him how much but sharing a kiss, an action that seemed to make the men outside in the queue who were watching line up even more eagerly to get into the club.
Both excitable we did not want our night to end after this club and we ended up going on to another nightclub to carry on our night and danced till our poor toes couldn’t take it any more and then took the long journey home on night bus, but with her I felt like we had flown by private jet, because being with her was like being in a bubble and the time just flew past with constant excited chatter between us.
She stayed the night at mine and I made her scrambled eggs on brown toast. I remember being so eager to please and nervous at the same time because in the time that I had gotten to know her I knew she was a “health freak” and me being a lover of junk food rarely kept anything healthy in my fridge. She was polite and ate it. I introduced her to my daughter for the first time and she instantly fell in love with her. She told me how she was desperate to have a baby of her own as she simply adored children.
I joked and said she could have my daughter. She was so good with her. She kept making my daughter giggle and was so entertained by her she stayed more time than she intended and was late for work.
I walked her to the station and we said our ‘goodbyes’. We said we would be in contact via the net and arrange a time to soon meet again. I smiled the whole walk home and for the rest of that week. I was under her spell she was absolutely magical.
We kept in contact via messenger on the internet as agreed and regularly met up to go out or hang out after that. Every moment spent with her was like being a kid at Disney World. It was so thrilling, exciting and of course magical.
She was so intelligent, she knew more than a little about everything. And her knowledge on everything health was amazing. She inspired me so much I started cutting down on my junk food because I wanted to be just as clean, pure and beautiful as she was. She was one of the most caring people I had ever met. She was always making an effort to make me smile, feel comfortable and most of all she always made me feel loved.
She invited me to attend all sorts of different places and inspired me to be courageous.
I remember she invited me out to a comedy club once we had such a wonderful time we made it a regular occurrence. The very first show someone asked us if we were best friends because we look very close. she replied ‘She’s my lesbian lover’ I giggled she did not care what people thought about her or us and that made me fall for her even deeper. Later that night some interested men tried to entice us she grabbed my hand pulled me away and shouted to them ‘were not interested!’ they were in shock and asked if we were ‘partners or something’ she replied with a devilish grin ‘she is my girlfriend’ I laughed and we walked away.
I loved being out with her (in every sense of the word) she made me feel like it was ‘ok’ to be me and that I was in fact the fascinating one. She once told me “you are so beautiful, you should model, you have the perfect symmetry in your face” to this day I still don’t know what she was talking about because I can see all the flaws in why that isn’t true. However the fact that she said it and meant it made me feel special. She often said things like that to me. So open and freely. I loved that about her too. She was never embarrassed to tell me how she felt about me or any situation.
She was overly affectionate, sometimes to the point she was possessive. Funny enough this never bothered me. I was too in love to care to care. I loved when she was randomly jealous and loved she would openly admit it. It meant I could deal with the situation at hand and stop her from feeling insecure because I only had love for one female so strongly and that was her. She was always touching me; rubbing my back, my thigh, laying sweet kisses on my cheek and giving me cuddles, I could literally live off her love like oxygen.
I never felt insecure with her, I knew she was into me just as much as I was into her. She regularly told me she loved me and I believed her every time.
I’m not one for jealousy. It takes something very deliberate to make me see green.
However there was a time I felt we were drifting apart, she became emotionally and physically distance. I felt like we were just acquaintances at one point. Never the less I didn’t give up on her, I gave her space when she needed it and loved her from a distance. When a party I really wanted to go to came up I invited her hoping that what ever she was going through I could lighten her mood but getting her mind off of it for one night.
This was the first and only time I felt jealous. That is when I knew how much I cared about her and how deep I was in love with her. For the most part of the night she spent it sitting and talking to another woman while I danced away. She got up a few times to dance with me and we shared a little kiss but then she was back to sitting with this woman she hardly knew having giggles and what looked like an intimate conversation.
I didn’t act on my jealous emotions however just calmly told her how I felt once she revealed to me why she was in fact wrapped up in this other woman so much. It turned out she had a suspicion she was pregnant! I was so happy for her and sad a little at the same time because I wasn’t sure what this meant for us.
I was so happy I could share this moment with her, just like other special things we had shared together, but this had to be one of the most top moments.
Unfortunately things did not progress as positively as we had both hoped and my heart cracked as hers broke when she received some sad news.
She cried on the phone to me and I had never heard her sound so horribly broken. I wanted to comfort her but she grew cold and distant. She just wanted to be left alone, and having been there once before I knew I had to leave her be until she was ready.
We continued to have wild nights out of fun and grow closer.
However they say ‘all good things must come to an end’ unfortunately for a while it did.
I made a new friend and grew a whole new infatuation for her, not realising I was leaving my poor Aries out. As usual she expressed how she felt about this new friend and I didn’t want to hear it, I was stubborn. We were also in conflict over her new male lover and she did not want hear what I had to say either.
We broke up in the most aggressive and nastiest fight we had ever had. She called me names, turned all her positiveness about me into negativity, made me feel insignificant. I knew she had always had a temper but it was rarely directed at me, and when it was never with this much force and rage!
I was heart-broken, I couldn’t believe all the horrible things she was saying. She was like a different person. She said and done things with such force that I believed everything she had to say about me even though I knew it was in anger.
I didn’t retaliate, even then I loved her too much to say anything to hurt her even though I knew I could of I really wanted too.
When all was said and done I knew back then that she had only been in such a rage because of how much she loved me and how much i had frustrated and upset her.
However our story did not end there, as we both embarked on a new chapter we were soon destined to cross paths again.
While I thought it was fate and destiny, some would say I was being tested and miserably failed.
A few years after our horrible break up we reconnected on Facebook. I found out she was going through hell with a recent pregnancy and after swapping a few emails we decided to meet up.
It was like time had never passed. She was still as radiant, beautiful and as enticing as ever. She greeted me with one of her infamous hugs and I was once again under her magical spell. We caught up over lunch and laughed about our past falling out and continued where we left off.
We hung out together, went shopping, out to eat it was like nothing bad had ever happened between us. She was still the loving affectionate Aries I had remembered except there was a new maturity to her.
I realised I was still in love with her and that the feelings had never left and she admitted it was why she was so affectionate towards me she said ‘I cant help touching you it’s what I do when I’m in love with someone’ that warmed me so; and temporarily repaired the broken heart she had once left me with.
Unfortunately as fate would have it, our destiny was not meant to be. We broke up once more once I realised she was still the fiery tempered Aries I had always known and brought her temper to my doorstep where it was not welcomed. She smashed my heart back into pieces leaving me trying to repair it like a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle. Being older I gave as good as I got and hurt her right back. I was angry and hurting so badly so I taunted her with a blog post that didn’t have all the facts I admit. I called her fake, I called her a bitch I made sure I hurt her as much as she hurt me with her accusations. Unfortunately for her I was tired at that point of being everyone’s doormat.
She was angry understandably and messaged me to express this. Although by the time she had done this I had since calmed down and already removed the post. I knew she didn’t deserve to be treated like that and I had already forgiven her outburst and rage against me and my family, which is why I had deleted the trashy post and replaced it with a more accurate account of events.
I loved her so much back when we first embarked on our friendship. I never stopped loving her and although things did not work at how I would have liked the second time I don’t regret it.
Aries was one of the greatest loves of my life, I told her so even though she didn’t believe me. She showed me so many wonderful things. She made me feel beautiful and interesting. She taught me its ok to be me and be free. And even though not appreciated by everyone she taught me to stand up for myself in an argument and express that anger instead of hold it in.
I loved her, lost her but I don’t regret it at all. Without our experiences my life would be very different indeed.
Don’t regret your past friendships or relationships embrace them, they help mould who you are and where you end up.