30 years on this earth…

30 years!!
Wow I’ve been here a little while now.
I recently celebrated my 30th birthday and when people I get asked “how do you feel now you are 30″ I answer the same way I have been answering for the last 14 years…”I still feel 16 years old!”
I honestly do.
I no I look older but I certainly don’t feel it.
It feels like yesterday when I was raving in Greenford Hall at an under 18 clubbing event named Education in Dance. That’s where my love of garage music first began and where I learned most of my troubles and stresses could be danced off in one night.
I celebrated my birthday the same way I did since I was 16, with family and friends.
Although some members were missing they still made it special by wishing me happy birthday a reminder that no matter what I am never forgotten.

One member in particular I appreciated messaging me is the woman who I grew up with as my best friend as a child and who felt like more of my sister than the cousin she actually is.
We have had a turbulent relationship over the years as we grew up and matured into different people but none the less the reminder of love is always there even when it appears to the outside world that we can’t stand one another at times.

This is what I love about my family they never give up on you even when you feel like you want them too or because you deserve it.
My family literally love each other to death and show it.
I have never understood other families that are different to mine because we have always been so close knit.
It has always shocked me how callous other families can treat one another because in my family your simply not allowed to hate each other or exclude one another. You love one another and stick by one another especially when things get rough or you are needed.
So I just want to say a special thank you to my cousin, my foundation my forever little sister Pamela for messaging me happy 30th birthday even though things are not perfect between us at the moment you reminded me why I love being me and being a part of this family.
For my 30th partied with the same friends i have been partying with since I was 16 and some recent additions that have been with me no less than 3-5 years.

I still have have the same best friends I did when I was 16. I still make the silly jokes I did back then and they still make those same friends laugh.

My fashion sense hasn’t changed much, I’m still way behind and I still don’t care.
I’m still that weird, quirky, too friendly kind of girl that loves and has a little too much trust in random people.
However a lot of other things have changed since then.
I left school with only 2 subjects passed. I was more interested in bunking off school to avoid the school bullies rather than ignoring them and getting an education. Although I was disappointed and downtrodden I picked myself up determined to get the grades I knew I deserved. I went to 3 different colleges and worked various jobs to accomplish 9 qualifications including computer building, first aid and business administration so that I could have better opportunities in my life.  Now finally this year I am opening my new business.
Vain as I have always been I found love at 19 and realised I could love someone more than my parents, immediate family and of course myself.
Back at age 16 I was stubborn an adamant I would not settle down and have kids.
Yet at 22 years old I carried a life inside me, birthed that life at 23 years old, raised a baby to a child and now to my surprise at 30 years I am carrying another.
I’ve learnt that being selfless can cause great hurt and pain when shared with the wrong individual but also that being selfless can bring such light within and to others.
I’ve accomplished raising money for charity three years in a row and each time I have felt a part of me grow. The high I have gotten each time after fundraising and walking miles to raise money for Cancer research has been remarkable knowing that in my own little way I have made a difference.
I have loved and lost many people and but realised these were all nothing but life lessons.
I learned I am a good friend. I have such a compassion even when I have been what feels like pushed to my limit with abuse from what are now distant friendships.
I have held one woman’s hand and walked her to emergency services when all she wanted to do was harm herself. I sat with her until she was counselled and sedated.
I sat, listened and cried with one friend as she told me the torture and abuse she had been through all her life from her family, and when she abused me I still held her tight and told her I will love her anyway.
I’ve babysat countless children even when I was sick or had more pressing matters because I knew how much it meant that my friend(s) needed a break.
I have given up my savings to save my friend from debt.
I have done all that and more not for anything in return but friendship. I have learnt that sometimes I am simply not enough because the people I have loved and lost had to find their own way on their journey without all my help.
I’ve made a great deal of mistakes and not only have I learned to take responsibility for them all, I have learned I do not regret any of them because with each mistake I learned something about the people I live amongst in this society and of course learnt about who I was, who I am and who I am destined to be.
I have done things that make people blush, people judge me, look at me different, love me and hate me. Still I regret nothing and will no doubt continue to make mistakes along the way but hopefully less of them as although necessary I haven’t enjoyed the pain that came along with some of them.
At 30 I didn’t expect to be married with 2 children, living in a beautiful apartment and starting a new business.
I never imagined one man could give me so much freedom while giving me so much love, support and encouragement at the same time.
I never imagined although as everyone else does I still have bad days, that I could be this blessed and this happy.
So much has happened in the 30 years I have been lucky enough to have lived on this earth.
That saying ‘No one said life was going to be easy, they just said it would be worth it’ it’s true and I look forward to the next 30 years with the same love from the family and friends that I have now.


~Lady Blaze~


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