Wanted: Some appreciation! 


Sometimes I feel as though being a woman and being under appreciated go hand in hand.I clean, I cook, I scrub, I wash, I fold, I work, I cuddle, I kiss, I sleep (sometimes) and then the process starts all over again the next day, and the next day, and the next week, the following month and the year after that.

Would it kill you to randomly say “thanks for that”,”I appreciate that”, “well done!”, “good job!”

Even when I am tired, my back is aching, my head is aching, my soul is screaming for some R&R I carry on, I push through,  I keep moving forward.

The straw that broke the camels back, that phrase comes to mind when you look at me perplexed at why I am crying again, why my mind starts breaking, why I whisk myself away on last minute “me time weekends”. What you analyse as “OTT Behavior” is just a woman fed up, pushed to the edge, a woman deserving of appreciation that you have yet again failed to produce.

Women have become so good at witholding, so good at silence, and finally at accepting that our validation only need come from ourselves, love starts with ourselves and you know what so does appreciation!

Why do we do the things we do for the people who are either clueless, stupid or plain ignorant (or all three) to our needs?

Its no secret I love women, women are strong, women are beautiful,  we are magic.

However you get women tearing other women down a whole lot now and I’m starting to wonder did it all begin with the under appreciation we get from just being born female?

Just thoughts on a lazy Sunday….

Insomnia


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Me and my prince x

One of the symptoms of my depression is insomnia.
Recently I miscalculated the amount of tablets (anti depressants) I had left. Since Monday I have been without medication.

It is amazing yet heartbreaking how reliant I have become on my medication. As soon as I go one night without “popping a pill” for that night and the following day I will not be able to sleep until I get “my next fix”.

I almost feel like a drug addict. Anti depressants can become highly addictive.
I have been feeling so good on them these recent months that I feel I can come off them now, although sadly I understand the reality and that is when I feel this way I still have a little further to go.

There are many downsides to being an insomniac as you can probably imagine. Its almost 3am as I write this very post and I am very much awake.

However the upside? Surprisingly for me personally there is an upside and that is that my son, my mini hero, my prince is wide awake with me.

We share such a bond him and I. Ever since I became an insomniac its like he did too; of course he isn’t really an insomniac, almost 3 years old he has a natural energy all children have.
On nights (or mornings) like this he keeps me company. Huddled on the sofa quietly watching his YT KIDS on his kindle while I watch Netflix well into the wee hours.
Every time I look at him I feel blessed to call him my son and on nights like this even more so because he is so well behaved.

Times like this going into day 3 without medication I try my best to be positive and look on the bright side, its not hard though with a baby boy like mine and it helps my medication will be ready to collect finally later today.

You will be tested repeatedly until you learn the lesson intended!


 I saw this post on Instagram. I love posts that make you think. 

This one spoke to me because something recently happened to me the weekend just gone that made my husband question me in a similar fashion to this post.

He was upset about what happened and asked me if I was angered or upset by this particular incident.

I will not be going into detail about what happened (I know so unlike me hahahaha) but I will say the reason I was unaffected by what happened.

I’ve reached a point in my life where most people and most situations can’t effect me negatively. Too much has happened in my life to let the negative actions and behaviour of others bring me down.

I know that I am responsible for my own happiness and in knowing this not only does it give me a great sense of strength it has helped me grow immensely.

Not so many years ago I would have let the situation make me angry, bitter, resentful but not anymore. I gave myself roughly 5 minutes maybe less to mourn the experience or to let out the anger then I put all the negative energy in a balloon and let it go (one of my favourite metaphors and favourite things to do when im angry). 

Once that balloon was gone, so where all the emotions inside it. It was that easy. Granted it wasn’t always that easy it took years of training but was certainly worth it.

Thankfully no longer the “victim” of my own circumstances or life, this “victor” always has a plan b and the weekend turned into the perfect weekend filled with such love, laughter and happiness that I forgot to write this post until I was reminded this morning by that very Instagram post.

Every day I’m tested by something or someone new and finally after years of losing, I’m winning! They say the universe will repeatedly put us in the same situation or will give us the same test over and over again until we finally learn the lesson intended.

Needless to say…lesson learnt!

Writing is my fortay…


I’m back because lets face it oral communication has never been a strength of mine and I’m more than ok with that.With writing I can express so much more of what I am feeling and connect to people better too. It is the second year of grief and to my surprise after listening to my much loved friends and strangers too, the grief has not gotten any easier. After research I found I am not alone in my feeling of increased sadness the second year on. 

The first year was in fact the easiest for me for the simple fact I lived in denial the whole year. My heart had over ridden my head the whole year refusing to let my sister go.

However the beginning of this year it finally hit home for me and the pain grew immensely. The pain grew so fast and so heavy I had to have my medication increased twice just to keep me neutral. The good news is now stable on my meds, I feel more like myself than I have since the whole grief started, I would go as far as saying I can’t remember the last time I felt this good.

Another huge help has been from the one only Divya. I’m so grateful that I have this girl by my side. No one will ever replace my sister but this weirdo comes pretty close, hahaha. The love I feel whether I am with her in person or just talking to her on the phone is so great I feel like my sister’s soul shines through her. I don’t remember the last time I have made such a good friend with someone so fast that has lasted past the awkward first hiccups of getting to know one another. I am so happy that despite the ones who left after my grief was too much for them, this girl is still around always bringing me sunshine on cloudy days.​

Divya & I

I am thankful for all my good friends who have survived the hurricane of emotions I have been on, in this journey of grief. It is hard to deal with and so hard to understand unless you have been through it yourself and even then it is different for everyone. 

My news years resolution December 2016 was to honor my sister the way she would have wanted by regaining the woman I was before I lost her. By living life to the fullest the way I did when she was still with me.

Since the beginning of this year I have been going out of my way visiting all the people dearest to me who had supported me through my grief but I had slowly withdrawn from as the grief started to weigh me down.​

Katie and I

I went out of my way to visit the friends that I dont normally get to see because they live far and I dont always have money or time, the list goes on. However in the spirit of me and my sisters favorite motto “life is short” I have been making my rounds up and down London and outside London spreading the love.

Nikko and I

My travelling has been successful in that I found what I was looking for. I was reminded that I enjoying making people happy. I enjoy making people laugh, smile and building them up. I had forgotten how much it makes me smile, how much it makes me feel like me. Most importantly I had forgotten how much love there still is for me even though my sister is no longer here.