Be kinder to yourself


Day 2 of menstrual madness and I woke up feeling a lot like my “normal” self.
Now somewhat refreshed I can delve into my original post intended for yesterday which is about being kinder to yourself; yes the irony after yesterday’s article does not escape me!
For someone like me the importance of being kind to one self can be quite difficult if not challenging most days but the importance of it far outweighs the aforementioned.
However it is not just me that should acknowledge being kinder to oneself it’s every man, woman, child who has ever had a down day, depression, doubts and so on.
The benefits of being kind to yourself are tremendous, it helps you succeed, keeps you mentally strong, helps with both interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships, most importantly for me it keeps me here!
The times in my life where I have been in bad situations, toxic relationships, felt alone is where I began to learn the joy of being kinder to myself. Being kind to myself went hand in hand with falling in love with myself flaws and everything else because I knew I was the only one that ever could and would and that no one could ever take that away from me.
We are all essentially alone in this world so if you don’t learn to like, love, respect and be kind to yourself I truly believe your life will be filled with so much darkness it wont feel like a life worth living at all. I speak from experience.
Unfortunately not everyday is perfect (refer to previous post), people aren’t perfect, I am far from perfect. I still have down days especially being a slave to my hormones. After 33 and a half years I still am terrible at controlling my hormones every month so instead like with my depression I ride the emotional rollercoaster enduring all the highs and lows knowing full well that it will eventually come to a halt and I can get off and enjoy the rest of the fair and all it has to offer.

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Hormonal…men beware!!!


You’re a stay at home mum. When the kids are at nursery/school you clean the house from top to bottom, maybe grab a cup of tea and watch something quick on TV then get ready to do nursery run again 2.5 hours later, because your son is only in nursery 3 hours a day. The reason your son only attends nursery 3 hours a day is because you are unemployed. The reason you are unemployed is because you’re a stay at home mum. The local council pays about 75% of your rent and the rest of the benefits you receive from the government just about cover the bills let alone food.

Some days you wake up miserable. You stare at the ceiling thinking ‘is this my life?’, ‘will this be my life forever?’ you envy your friends that work and can be frivolous with their money; they go on holidays at the drop of a hat, most of them don’t even have kids, they buy shoes and handbags that amount to your monthly benefits in total sometimes even more.

You don’t understand ISA’s and Pensions but have a feeling you need too because surely you will need it when you get older. Older; time has flown by and so much has changed. Once a twenty something without a care in the world now a thirty something worrying about every little thing.

Your body has changed, you hate your entire wardrobe because nothing looks good on you anymore, your curves are not ‘young’ or ‘old’ they are just THERE and you still feel like that awkward giraffe from primary school, your neck is one of your most hated features.

Most people irritate you because you don’t understand why they want to be around you, especially the days you don’t want to be around you, let alone BE YOU!!!

Some days and these are the good ones; you feel empty. You miss the ‘good old days’ when life was simpler and you didn’t have a care in the world.

Welcome Carlita to ‘Period & Hormones 101; Day 1’ being a woman suckssssssss eggs!!!!

The perfect family


People like to comment on things which do not concern them or which they know nothing about, it used to bother me but now I take it with a grain of salt as per one of my earlier posts a few years back its says more of them than me.

People (and this includes a few friends) I have in my circle like to assume and even accuse me of having ‘The Perfect Family’ or even worse yet they claim that I think I am better than them because I think I have the perfect family.

This is so untrue but so common of this “social media generation”. What I mean by that is like pretty much everyone else the most I portray to people is what I want them to see/hear.

Just like their generation I enjoy uploading snippets of my personal life that may “seem perfect” to them while I keep all the gritty things to either myself or only share with my inner circle.

Sure I use this blog from time to time to get “dark” but again I don’t reveal all. Although a very open person I still keep quite a lot to myself or my inner circle which I feel is perfectly fine.

I don’t talk about my husband or kids a lot to people and for some reason it bothers them. Like my home, my husband and children are my ‘Temple’ and so I try to keep them protected as much as possible.

When asked about my private life concerning my husband and kids I swiftly change the subject or give one word answers. My life is no ones business but my own, so again what I choose to share with you and others is completely my choice.

Just a few months back my family had a huge crisis concerning our children. Did I want to jump on my blog and share it with the whole world? To be honest a small part of me did as I was desperately looking for guidance and answers but I didn’t because the whole world did not need to know. So while dealing with this crisis I respectively told certain people, that there was in fact a crisis we were dealing with but chose not to divulge into the details.

I am a gossip, a loud mouth, I discuss my friends with other friends and sometimes I’m a little ashamed but mostly not, as I have come to accept this is who I am and not only do I like me, my friends do too and know what to expect from me having being close in my inner circle for more than 10 years.

My point is; NO! My family isn’t perfect and I don’t pretend they are. I simple keep my family business in the family!! If you don’t know what is going on with my family clearly I feel we are not close enough for you to know.

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My Home aka My Temple aka My Family

Afraid


I have become increasingly afraid of the recent events that I cant escape on the news, social media and the streets.

Some days I am afraid to leave my home and live the life I want to; because I am afraid of all the violence that is increasingly escalating. I have never been a violent or even confrontational type and recently learned the true meaning of the saying “ignorance is bliss”.

Most of my adult life I have tried to avoid the news on TV, in the newspapers, my peers. I didn’t want to hear or see all the negative aspects of the world but unfortunately as social media and modes of communications grow it is getting harder and harder to avoid it.

I will go as far as admitting I have had disturbing thoughts such as ‘Why did I have to be born black?’ and ‘I hate being black’ for the simple fact it feels like we (Black people) never stood a chance and never will. Sure America saw Obama deemed president but then he was immediately replaced with Donald Trump when his time was up?

I am not American but I am black and racism is a worldwide problem that seems to be escalating to the point of us as a human race going backwards and that’s the thing that scares me the most.

Update


I have been neglecting my blog of late. I feel as though I have nothing of interest left to say. It seems the public (mostly social media) only enjoy the negative or depressing posts and I am actually proud to say I haven’t been depressed, angry, or negative enough to write such posts for those people to enjoy.

However for the genuine people that have repeatedly asked me for an “update” or encouraged me to get back to my blog here I am and here is an update.

The truth is almost 2 years after the death of my favorite sister although I am still very much in pain everyday, I have also learned to live with that pain while carrying on living a decent if not happy existence. Somewhere along the grieving I realised my sister would hate to see me living miserably, she would hate to be the cause of my depression, she would laugh at my tears and tell me to “fix up” and so that is exactly what I did.

I stopped moping, I got fit by exercising regularly, I started eating healthy and as a bonus I ditched my medication (4 Months, 1 week and 3 days ago). As I got fitter and healthier I grew happier. I started to do more things that I felt honoured my sisters memory and began reliving our motto of “living life to the fullest with no regrets”.

I have also been carrying on her legacy via activities that she would normally engage in for example for the second year in a row I attended Notting Hill Carnival in her name and felt her with me the whole time. I went with our sisters and this year even her best friend felt compelled to join us because she also felt Cerise  had led her to it (but that’s another story for another time).

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Before entering Notting Hill Carnival

There are still days where I cry and yearn desperately for my sister because of course I am still healing and naturally the pain that comes with those tears are apart of that.

However I am stronger and more resilient for my grief; and more importantly I am still here.