The Government wants me to be a stay at home mum.


I hadn’t worked in 5 years!

I was a proud stay at home for the most part but also I was forced into unemployment by my local council the dredded EALING COUNCIL when my family was homeless and feeling hopeless after we had tried everything we could to secure a home. The council had said to us (and this is a direct quote from my previous housing advisor/officer) that they had washed their hands of us. The social services said the same.

In desperation and as a last resort I countacted every local MP. They gave the council and social services a well deserved kick up the bum to help us.

The social services told me to find a property, any property and they would fund the deposit.

I did as instructed and for once true to their word they paid the deposit and made sure I was too apply for housing benefit to cover the majority of the rent.

Things were great until my husband and I decided to have another baby. My husband got a new job as we had previously planned, to take care of us and the new baby. The housing benefit was adjusted accordingly and we survived just fine.

Fast forward to the present my son (the last baby I had) is turning 4 and soon starting his first year of school (reception). Looking towards the future I decided it was time to go back to work and make my ow contributions towards the household, that and the fact the realisation of being home 6 hours a day while both children were at school scared me. What would I do after all the household chores were done? Sit and watch day time TV all day every day? That is not me. Thats not the person I wanted to become. I wanted to feel useful. I wanted to engage with like minded people and prove to myself that I still had brain cells that could be put towards good use.

I also dreamt I could finally help my husband save enough money to be able to move out of our current flat since our daughter who soon turns 11 is sharing a bedroom with her 3 year old brother while she goes through puberty.

However my dreams were crushed and unfortunately not even instantly. If it was instant I think I would have been able to handle the blow easier.

I returned to work. The week before I started I updated my housing benfit claim online as per instructed by the council. I checked on the claim a week into work. A new award letter soon came stating my benefit had gone up. I thought it strange but was just happy it had been processed. 3 months later I rang to check again as the benefit award was still suspiciously high. The council admitted they had made an error that I WOULD HAVE TO PAY FOR in my ongoing benefit. They sent a new award almost straight away stating I owed £1461.00 and that they would recover the costs through my ongoing entitlement.

My rent is £1575 per month the council pay approximately £1100-1200 towards those costs and my husband makes up the rest. They stated when I started working I needed to contribute towars more which I anticipated and is fair but and its a big BUT they stated my husband and I should be making up a shortfall of £1116 as they were only going to pay £459 a month if I continued to work as according to the government a family of 4 should be able to survive on £266.10 per week which would be fine if we didnt have a huge rent to pay with bills on top of that!

Unfortunatelymy husband and I don’t make enough money combined to be able to cover that amount of rent and care for our children simutaneously and unfortunately Ealing Council doesn’t have a grace period of allowing you to work for a while before fully becoming responsible for your own rent. Their system is also broken where,  even though I gave them plenty notice about me starting a new job they still failed to process my claim accurately in time to stop me going into debt.

I had been here before as well unfortunately which is why I was afraid for so long to go back to work. I didnt want to put my family in debt and ultimately back on the streets where Ealing Council has put us so many times before and then hidden behind their favorite phase ‘YOU MADE YOURSELF INTENTIONALLY HOMELESS BY FAILING TO PAY YOUR RENT’ (rent they had withheld from me or suspended for one reason or another only to pay me at a later date or not at all with no apology just a simple shrug and ‘we have washed our hands of you’.

I am currently fighting the council decision and was recently informend their back log of appeals/complaints is so long I will not hear anything for 6 months! Conveinent for that whole 6 months I will have to pay the overpayment that is their error.

I never understood why some women stayed at home continuously having babies living off the government and I had never wanted a life like that for myself. Alas its the life the government is now forcing on me. I tried to see if a reduction in hours wold help but the government shows I would be worse off. I tried to consider flexible hours same thing.

Not to mention childcare was becoming a nightmare! Although I was offered 30 hours free childcare for going back to work the cost for the other 10 hours I needed while at work was so high I began to realise I was working to pay just rent and childcare alone!

I had to see for myself what it was like, I had to know that I could be more than ‘just a mum’ I learned a lot in the mere 3 months I was able to work again…but I will leave that for another post ciao for now x

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Loyalty…


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Not telling someone something that you know will hurt them, hiding the truth; is still a lie!

I have felt like an outcast most of my life and I have been mostly comfortable with that, then I met my husband I know longer felt so left out in the cold.

Then IQ happened and then my paranoia or as I like to say my ‘intuition’ told me that I was once again on the outside and this time it was hurtful because I was on the outside of my family.

My husband swore to me that it was just ‘paranoia’ when I questioned certain things. That is the worse thing you can do to someone like me. He has first hand experience that 9 times out of 10 I am not paranoid, that I am in fact extremely intuitive.

A lot of people don’t take my PTSD and Anxiety symptoms seriously. That’s ok I know that those people are not for me. However when those people like for example IQ claim they have similar symptoms I expect her to understand a bit more so than other people. My husband has had to live with my symptoms so again I expect him more than anyone to not contribute to my anxiety and PTSD.

However low and behold what do we have here? My husband and IQ in cohorts with each other hiding a lie and in conclusion betraying me. Absolutely fucking perfect!

I expected it from IQ hello I am not that stupid, forgiving her was the first shoe, and she was shocked but I was waiting for the other shoe to drop not mine though…hers!

The truth hurts but I will still rather the truth than a lie. Tell me the truth of course I will be mad, upset etc but I will get over it a lot faster than finding out the truth MYSELF!

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Me and my husband have been in such a good place too that’s the real killer and then add that this is the second time this woman has come in and dropped a bomb in our marriage well….

Five years ago I specifically, laid out to my husband what I needed to move past the whole situation that was ‘FOOL Me Thrice‘ because of the emotional wounds that had cut me from that experience was so deep. I thought he understood. Every year I would relay to him what I needed to the point of his madness! I remember one point he actually held his head in his hands and screamed “Yes Carley, I understand! You don’t have to keep telling me!” but low and behold he clearly lied then too!

In retrospect I know what I asked of my husband could be misconstrued as “crazy” but you know what it wasn’t illegal, morally wrong or even that hard all I asked him was to support me in my choices so that I can keep my mind from mentally breaking. As my husband who took certain vows he should have obliged. He should have been loyal!

Speaking of loyalty that was one of the main things that ended me and IQ’s friendship. She showed that her loyalty lay with her boyfriend instead of me which is perfectly fine I just wish she would have gone about it in a different way. Like I explained to a friend recently, and discussed on my blog and even with my husband in length ‘PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE!’ subtle changes as you grow and mature perhaps but core personality traits don’t change and I firmly believe that. I have been through enough emotional drama and trauma to know this at the age of 33!

IQ wasn’t loyal to me back then, she isn’t loyal to me now and she never will be and that’s ok because that is her. She is more comfortable being loyal to men then women and that is again perfectly fine it is just not for me. We will always clash on that one as I remain loyal to my girlfriends that’s just me.

I don’t know what to do, I really don’t. My heart maybe in tact but my brain is fragmenting like a hard drive. My sister’s anniversary is in 2 weeks and I was already considering going back on my medication as my anxiety has been rising higher and higher as the date closes in and then this. Thanks guys I hope it was worth it.

A Thank you letter for “Aries”


100_0930I had wanted someone I couldn’t have for the longest time. I didn’t realise it until perhaps it was too late? What I thought was lust was actually me desiring and building a fantasy in my head about something that could never be in reality.

When I think of this woman on a rational level I realised not too long ago (as recent as last year) that had we not fallen out when we did we would have eventually; not only because of the nature of our friendship but the nature of her core personality.

As recent as earlier this year when I was informed of her recent breakdown in relationships I realised that everybody who I envied that got to “keep” her eventually left her after discovering exactly what I did; deep down she is not who she appears to be.

At one point she and a few others actually had me believe it was me! Convinced me there was something wrong with me. However when I had a good look at my circle I realised all my true friends have never left and I hope never will.

A while ago I wrote her a letter. We all know the only way I can truly express my feelings is when I put the pen to paper. I never intended to send this letter or even share it but feeling as strong as I do I would like to share it with my readers now.

It is something I have been doing of late. A new writing style I suppose. I have been writing many letters to my past which is helping me in the present and I hope with my future.

“Dear Jodie,

Sometime I get nostalgic and think of the good ol’ days that were ‘us’ although saying that, writing it now reminds me those “good” memories are  fading fast and all I remember is a lot of the “bad”.

This is a “Thank You” letter.

Thank you for being a Tasmanian Devil that you were and no doubt still are.

Thank you for causing me so much pain in our final encounter and then to top it off thank you for spreading lies about me.

That fact that you would spread lies about me, act so childish and bitter shows I hurt you and I am glad I hurt you, because to hurt someone means that person who is hurt  had to have originally cared about the other and you obviously still do otherwise you would not still be acting in such a vicious manner.

You once admitted pride stopped you from admitting your true feelings. well I guess pride also is blocking your feelings again now because you are not able to truly look deep within yourself and admit that after all this time you still care about me.

I wanted your forgiveness. I begged for it at one point and I am not ashamed to admit that. You refused to give it to me instead you chose to hold onto anger.

I have first hand experience in this; the only one you are hurting is  yourself. Granted it hurt me at first but I had an epiphany!

I no longer need your forgiveness. I looked into myself and chose happiness and love over everything else (like I always do). I chose not to carry hate, resentment, or bitterness in my heart.

So from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU.

 

Thank you again for being you! Mostly thank you for hurting, for still caring about me so deeply that it still hurts you to even utter my name let alone speak kind words.

My baggage from our friendship has officially been “checked in” the lost property department. I don’t want it anymore. It is no longer welcome so I will no longer be bringing it to any other friendships.

 

Thank you Jodie. Peace & Love always”

I share this in the hopes it helps someone else. Those who no longer care about you will not give you a second thought let alone bother to get revenge, speak ill of you or even acknowledge your existence if they don’t have to.

I keep a gratitude diary beside my bed along side my normal journal and as I ran out of things to be grateful for or more easily was repeatedly thankful for the obvious I realised I could also be thankful for the unconventional things such as traumas from my past.

To say I am glad to have realised I hurt this woman may seem harsh but the psychological trauma she caused me was so immense that I felt as if this woman never liked me let alone loved me. So when I realised that I hurt her and in turn that meant she not only really did like and love me after all helped a great deal in giving me the closure I needed.

I wish this girl so much happiness and wellness as there is so much more I could say about her but as per above I don’t actually care enough anymore to want to hurt her or speak ill of her. However I will say this. She like so many deserve such happiness once she is more open and honest with herself about what she really wants in life and who she really is.

Stay tuned folks more “thank you letters” coming soon, who knows I may turn this into a little series.

 

Be kinder to yourself


Day 2 of menstrual madness and I woke up feeling a lot like my “normal” self.
Now somewhat refreshed I can delve into my original post intended for yesterday which is about being kinder to yourself; yes the irony after yesterday’s article does not escape me!
For someone like me the importance of being kind to one self can be quite difficult if not challenging most days but the importance of it far outweighs the aforementioned.
However it is not just me that should acknowledge being kinder to oneself it’s every man, woman, child who has ever had a down day, depression, doubts and so on.
The benefits of being kind to yourself are tremendous, it helps you succeed, keeps you mentally strong, helps with both interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships, most importantly for me it keeps me here!
The times in my life where I have been in bad situations, toxic relationships, felt alone is where I began to learn the joy of being kinder to myself. Being kind to myself went hand in hand with falling in love with myself flaws and everything else because I knew I was the only one that ever could and would and that no one could ever take that away from me.
We are all essentially alone in this world so if you don’t learn to like, love, respect and be kind to yourself I truly believe your life will be filled with so much darkness it wont feel like a life worth living at all. I speak from experience.
Unfortunately not everyday is perfect (refer to previous post), people aren’t perfect, I am far from perfect. I still have down days especially being a slave to my hormones. After 33 and a half years I still am terrible at controlling my hormones every month so instead like with my depression I ride the emotional rollercoaster enduring all the highs and lows knowing full well that it will eventually come to a halt and I can get off and enjoy the rest of the fair and all it has to offer.

The perfect family


People like to comment on things which do not concern them or which they know nothing about, it used to bother me but now I take it with a grain of salt as per one of my earlier posts a few years back its says more of them than me.

People (and this includes a few friends) I have in my circle like to assume and even accuse me of having ‘The Perfect Family’ or even worse yet they claim that I think I am better than them because I think I have the perfect family.

This is so untrue but so common of this “social media generation”. What I mean by that is like pretty much everyone else the most I portray to people is what I want them to see/hear.

Just like their generation I enjoy uploading snippets of my personal life that may “seem perfect” to them while I keep all the gritty things to either myself or only share with my inner circle.

Sure I use this blog from time to time to get “dark” but again I don’t reveal all. Although a very open person I still keep quite a lot to myself or my inner circle which I feel is perfectly fine.

I don’t talk about my husband or kids a lot to people and for some reason it bothers them. Like my home, my husband and children are my ‘Temple’ and so I try to keep them protected as much as possible.

When asked about my private life concerning my husband and kids I swiftly change the subject or give one word answers. My life is no ones business but my own, so again what I choose to share with you and others is completely my choice.

Just a few months back my family had a huge crisis concerning our children. Did I want to jump on my blog and share it with the whole world? To be honest a small part of me did as I was desperately looking for guidance and answers but I didn’t because the whole world did not need to know. So while dealing with this crisis I respectively told certain people, that there was in fact a crisis we were dealing with but chose not to divulge into the details.

I am a gossip, a loud mouth, I discuss my friends with other friends and sometimes I’m a little ashamed but mostly not, as I have come to accept this is who I am and not only do I like me, my friends do too and know what to expect from me having being close in my inner circle for more than 10 years.

My point is; NO! My family isn’t perfect and I don’t pretend they are. I simple keep my family business in the family!! If you don’t know what is going on with my family clearly I feel we are not close enough for you to know.

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My Home aka My Temple aka My Family